Wow!

Well last week was a zinger, no?  It's insane the emotions I go through on a daily basis and I wonder, what in the hell is wrong with me?  Does everyone internalize like this or am I a sick bastard?  I am kinda sick but I have to say that I'd rather be me, here growing and changing, learning and loving, rather than anyone else.  I am me, and I am enough. 

I know it's okay to feel things and that I will go through many emotions as I go through this process.  I lost my mom this year and that isn't easy no matter what age you are, or how long you had her around to be a constant in your life.  Your relationship with this unique and special individual shapes and molds you in many intricate ways.  My family, and it's many generations are evolving and I'm proud to say I'm part of that process.  My year of therapy helped me see that my family wasn't as bad as they seem on paper, that we are/were a culture, and I am no less of a human because of my experience.  But that isn't to say that I can't grow and see the bad points, and hone and sharpen the good points. 

 So you wanna here some things about the girls?  I promise that I am raising them in this process of being one huge cluster fuck.  I'm also still a dedicated and loving Zumba instructor with a new Toning class that people are very excited and happy with.  So that feels good.  But here I am digressing again.

Abby started school this fall.  Can you imagine my elation of having all three of my daughters in full time school?  It's like a big fat Christmas present every morning.  And I love her teacher.  Abby just loves being busy and having fun, she is very happy and well adjusted.  I am doing a good job :D  That's not to say I never lose my cool, or forget important shit.  I do far too often but I have to say that I have a great balance between love and chaos.  I am not a perfect mum, but I am a great mum.  And I know that someday there will be such a great reward in this journey when my girls are mothers and I can watch them do me, but better.  

Emily is playing soccer this year.  She whines and complains on game days that it's too hard without fail, then she gets on the field and starts having a good time learning to navigate a game she's born to play.  She's going to be an athlete as she grows and it's going to be a natural gift that she has.  I am going to really enjoy her in this area and I'm so excited to think about what's to come for her as she gets older.  First grade agrees well with her and she's just beginning to get this reading thing.  Mostly whats lacking is confidence and I'm working on that, practice is what will help her grow.  It won't be long now and she'll be blazing through books.  She has a readers mind and I know she'll enjoy the escape a good book can bring. 

Sydney is in 7th grade.  Oh boy, this year is going to be full on roller coaster I think.  Her emotions are all over the place (who's kid is she anyway).  But all in all she has a heart to be coveted and when push comes to shove she does the right thing.  She's bright and full of promise.  I would very much like to keep her that way.  Hopefully the boys will stay the hell away from her.  I'm hoping she takes on the persona of cool, angry chick that boys are afraid of because she's smart and powerful.  So far she's heading in that direction.  She wears my old Army camo to school and my jungle boots.  I don't discourage it at all.  She's also pretty as a princess.  Best blue eyes ever. 

The big man of the house has now become a hunter and also loves to play Frisbee golf.  I just cater to him and try to make him feel special because he lives with a house full of women and that has got to be hard.  I hope he gets his deer this year, he'll cry like a little bitch if he doesn't and we don't like him to be disappointed.  HE IS SO SPOILED!!  But in a very humble kind of way that's endearing.  In a few months we will celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary.  I have never been happier in my marriage. 

The calm after the storm....

Or is it the eye?  I've had another difficult day.  No sleep last night to speak of really, lots of crying and truths this morning talking with a friend.  Just sharing and getting to the heart of the matter.  I want to say this out loud before it becomes an afterthought.

Lessons and who's to blame, I am not trying to place anything.  I am my own person, I take responsibility for how I feel and certainly don't blame my mom for everything.  It takes a village to raise a child, this I know because Jamie and I are raising three on our own without the support of family, it's just us.  We struggle and it's not easy.  My mother raised 10 kids single handed and with little to no means.  She worked her fingers to the damn bone and I know that couldn't have been easy.   She did the absolute best she could and I love her so much for the strength she held onto in her heart.  It was her hard shell that allowed her to persevere and keep going no matter what.  It was her tough exterior that gave her the courage to live for years with immeasurable pain and never complain, not once.  I love her beyond words and although my insecurities stem from my childhood, it is now MY responsibility to stand up to that voice in my head and kick its ass.  I am who I am today because of my mom, and there are so many more good qualities that far outweigh the bad.  It's just sometimes they creep in, my fear, my pain....demons summoning me to give up and lose sight of my goal.

Doubt kills....but I am my mother's daughter, and I will keep going and persevere because she taught me that.  To keep trying, to believe in the positive things people bring to our lives and help anyone along the way that could benefit from something I have to offer.  But most of all I will feel happiness for their gain even though I'm still waiting for my day.  Mine will come to me when I learn to just feel joy even when my hand isn't as great as another.  We all have a story unique to ourselves and none of us know each others journey and what it's all about.  All in good time and I truly believe my day will come and all of this growth will come into focus.  I have a great life ahead of me.     

Mom, I hear you loud and clear and I know you loved me, that you were proud of me.  It's just painful losing you and I miss you.  Sometimes it feels like I'm alone in this just like I always felt alone in it with you as a child.  It's hard for anyone else to understand my pain of losing you, but we all have our sufferings and miss you in ways each of us cannot understand.  A mother's love is complex and different for each of her children, yet the same.  I regret the time I wasted not sitting by your side and trying to probe things out of you that you might have wanted to say.  I wish you would have shared more with me but the quiet lessons you taught to me through your daily walk, I remember well.  Every day I think of you and that will never change.  I miss you so much. 

This complicated life....

I have been neglecting this blog again and I have to wonder if it has anything to do with the neglect I've also given to myself.  So much has happened since the last post and yet everything has stayed the same.  I guess I'm just working and doing my thing but at the same time I need this place for the outlet, to write down my thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears.  Helps me sort it all out if that makes sense.  I can place the good in front of me and let the bad fall behind me and hopefully, move on for just a while.  Funny thing about life's lessons and karma.....the idea that we keep living and learning the same lessons over and over until we have evolved into a more enlightened place.  A comfortable place.  This is where my lessons can be thought out and hopefully learned.  But life get's busy and people need you, so unless you become very adept with implementing those lessons, the problem areas can slowly creep in.  Or maybe something will happen that reminds you that your work isn't complete, there's still more growth to be had and even though you've made progress....you're not done by a long shot. 

I've missed mom a lot lately.  It feels like a very lonely place.  Everyone misses her, I know that, but I have come to realize that I wasn't ready for her to be gone even though I had accepted it and tried to be okay with her passing because there was no other choice.  I wanted her resting time to come because she was tired and her body and mind was no longer here to hold my hand through this complicated walk that life can sometimes be.

This blog is full of my insecurities and feelings of not being enough, not loving myself enough, blacking out my good points and focusing on my bad even though I'm capable of knowing otherwise.  How long does it take for your heart to catch up with your mind?  Is that why they say life begins at 40?  Because it takes that long to overcome and untie the ego and feelings of inadequacy? 

I've often thought about my craving for approval I have towards my mother, this need for her to be proud of me.  Look at me mom, look what I can do!!  I just wanted to do better by her and to show her that I was good, but I had to make a lot of mistakes in the process of becoming enough.  In my quest to get this I've often met her disapproval, or so I felt.  I made bad choices, I didn't go to church, I didn't teach my kids about God, I was impatient and sometimes had a sharp tongue with my kids, I was a selfish wife, I wasn't a hard enough worker.  Oh my word, the list goes on and on about what I do that's wrong.  I guess I felt like no matter how hard I showed her my good points, it always ended up feeling like I was boastful or a show off and she hated that part too.  I just wanted her to be proud of me.  I wanted her to say it to me, and hug me and tell me that I was a good girl despite my mistakes. 

This is quite a revelation actually.  I've always know that I felt this way, but I had no idea how deep seeded it was until she passed, and more specifically, this week.  It's connected to my insecurities as a grown woman and as much as I know that wasn't her intention to make me feel this way, I am being forced to honor it in my daily walk.  The voice in my head is screaming it at me actually.   It comes to me in the form of jealousy towards certain people in my life.  I get bummed out when good things come their way, and the funniest part of it all is.....it was me that held their hand and encouraged them to get where they are today.  Instead of being proud of my selfless act, I feel sorry for myself that I succeeded in lifting them up to a higher place.  And why?  Because I am insecure and can't seem to believe that I would be good enough to still be loved by the people around me that now find inspiration in my friend.  RIDICULOUS!  I'm so mad at myself for not being able to feel happy for her that I end up feeling even worse about myself.

I had a dream last night about mom.  In that dream mom was having me go through papers that were sort of like a hand written will.  There was a paper that had the bequeathed written out by the owner that had passed and apparently was causing a misunderstanding or argument amongst family or something about who was supposed to get a boat.  Weird, I know.  Anyway, while shuffling through papers I saw little notes she had written and one of them was for me telling me that she loved me and was proud of me.  That she loved me unconditionally and understood that life is about making mistakes and learning along the way.  I woke up crying and with a heavy heart.  I'm still crying now.  Apparently this is a lot deeper than I thought.  Perhaps she came to me for a reason, to place a stone at my feet.  A stone that is begging me to take a step forward and remember that even though she wasn't good at saying it, she felt it.  A stone that's calling me to put it behind me and be who I'm supposed to be, a helper.....a healer.  That I am good enough and if I can just unlock my mind, my journey can take an even greater shape and I can start to unleash my power within.

I'm really good at helping others see their potential, why is it so hard to see my own?   

Deep, I know.  Thanks for listening.