I'd fix all those typos below...

but it makes a lot more sense when you're drunk on Christmas to just let it go. I'm not sloshed....just a little bit on the side of tipsy.

I LOVE NEIL YOUNG!!

On Christmas and Neil Young

Christmas was good. The same story a different year. I'm never really jovial at Christmas. I guess I tend to live on the lonely side of life when there are special times when you should be surrounded by family. I have my kids and I have my man but I can't help but want those that came long before they ever entered the picture. It's been a good just the same. We made it happen by texting and chatting it up with each other practically all day. It's been a good one and although we're all far apart. Now if only the damn kids would finally get to sleep. Ugh!!

I got a little drunk tonight.

Sue me.

And in other news. I love Neil Young. Never really listened closely before. I need to pay more attention.

Merry Christmas, folks. And a Happy New Year!

Oops!

It has become clear to me that my lack of self love in the area of eating well and exercising beyond Zumba has taken it's toll. In February I will celebrate my one year Zumbaversary. Can you believe that I started this business almost a year ago? It's done well and I've concentrated a lot of time into nurturing it. I've had lots of people come, some have stayed, some have not. One of my ladies has lost over 70 lbs and has become licensed to instruct classes herself - which she does on Saturdays with me and our ZumbAtomic class (for kids). But in the middle of this venture I somehow lost sight of my own journey to be better, to challenge myself and set goals that I wanted to reach for me.

This week I have taken the time to run a little bit. A little bit of interval training, a fast two mile run, some weight training and ab work. It feels good to push myself and to expect more. I need to keep doing this or I'll never make it through winter without medication.

**gulp, gulp, gulp***

That was me sipping more water. I'm trying to get back in the habit of a lot of things that I've let slide. This place being one of them. I promise to keep boring the shit out of you as long as you keep needing me.

*gulp*

No wonder I always feel like dog crap

I'm not eating well these days and it's getting to me. My sugar content is much higher than it needs to be and my vegetable count is much, much lower than I am used to. I am normally a salad muncher but nothing is tasting good to me lately. Nothing except for melted cheese, fried crap and sugary treats.

I'm drinking a third of the water I normally drink and I'm feeling crappy as ever.

I need a detox. I think after the holidays are over some serious consideration and effort to revamp my diet and water intake needs to happen. Thank goodness that I exercise like crazy - but even that isn't with the same intensity I had before I became a Zumba instructor. Don't get me wrong, I knock it out in class but an hour of Zumba feels like nothing to me anymore and if I go any harder in class I hurt myself in a non-muscle type way.

Wednesday nights I am taking a total body conditioning class - which I am happy to participate in. My body needs a good ass kicking. I should start doing short runs on my treadmill every morning. Even just 15 minutes of interval training would help kick start my day. I'm having a tough time motivating myself for me anymore. I have to find a better balance.

Okay, game plan... I'll get on the green tea wagon right this minute and try to get my fluids up today. I'll make a salad with fish for lunch, and venison chili with spaghetti squash for dinner. I could also make a more valiant effort to keep away from the snack foods. I think if I could get one day under my belt - maybe pre-cut things so I can just throw salads together for a couple of days I would feel tons better.

No one is going to take care of me except for me - I have to make better choices! No excuses!! (I have a loooong list that I am trying hard not to bore you with)

Okay - water is on. Green tea and 15 minutes on the treadmill. I can do this.

Dammit!

***Update to this morning - I immediately took my ass down stairs and did 15 minutes of interval training on my beloved treadmill (I missed her!) followed by a few strength training exercises. I didn't eat as awesome as I'd hoped but I did drink 3 large mugs of green tea, and will continue on this evening as well as about 30 oz of water. Not nearly the 90 plus oz I was drinking daily but it's a step in the right direction. Venison chili on the stove.....spaghetti squash is getting popped into the microwave soon. Progress...not perfection.

Happy Pieces

I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I make the best damn cookies and I think it's because now I have Jamie's grandmother's old Sunmaid upright mixer. I don't bake anything without it anymore and the mixing is definitely the key to baking moist and delicious. I have Snickerdoodle dough in the fridge waiting to be baked. They're Jamie's favorite, or at least what he requested this Christmas.

This year I had it in me to let Jamie take on a new hobby. How selfish is it of me that I've made him slave to our family aside from his job? It's awful, but I couldn't handle any other scenario for a long time because staying home with our tiny tots was not easy. When we left Maine, Sydney started school. The following winter I was preggers with Emily...then came Abby. It was just too much to stay home for 12 plus hours by myself. But now that I'm working out of the house in the evenings I have a lot more patience and time to give. So he's a hunter now and I'm proud of him. He hasn't gotten any game this year but it doesn't matter. He's doing something he wants to do outside of work and that makes me happy as a clam for him.


Emily is 5 now and in school full time. She flourishes there and is growing by leaps and bounds socially, physically, mentally...all of it. I love seeing this happen and I'm saddened that her babyhood somehow passed my by so quickly. She was/is a tyrant child. I miss the special parts, the cuddles, the soft baby curls, the dresses....but the sleep deprivation damn near killed me so I'm happy we're in a different place.

Abigail is a miracle child. Not in the true sense of the word, she's perfectly healthy and nothing crazy has ever happened that would threaten her existence....but she is a miracle. She is light and fluffy, loving and affectionate, smart and pretty....all of these things and so much more. I am really enjoying my alone time with her and appreciate the gift that she really is to our family.

Sydney is my teacher. I'm learning as I go with her. I was impatient and not a very good parent when she was little. I'm much better doing this the second and third time around. I'm trying to carry my new skills into parenting her as a tween. So far so good....I'm getting better and better as I go but I'm still learning on the job and I hope that she understands that one day. I never hide behind my mistakes or stand proud when I screw it up (or at least that's my goal). I let her know when I'm being unreasonable or immature and she is the most forgiving and loving daughter that any mother could hope for.

Jamie is a great companion in my journey. I chose well the first time. There are no greener pastures, just different ones. I've struggled to learn this over the last decade and a half we have shared together. I have made some pretty bad mistakes in our marriage and continue to have issues that need to be ironed but we mesh well. We are the family that neither of us ever had. One where there was a mum and a dad and love between them. I hope that makes a difference for my kids.

I'm still going strong with Zumba. My fitness journey is taking a back seat since most of my time is spent putting together great routines and teaching classes - 7 per week to be exact. But I'm helping people reach goals and giving women a place to gather, exercise and laugh all in one place. It's really a good thing for this town and the financial benefits have been great for Jamie and I. It's been a blessing beyond what I could have hoped for.

I had to write some good on here. I have an amazing life but I struggle with mild depression and sometimes the light doesn't shine through the dark. But I needed to say it out loud - there's a lot of light here in my world too. A lot of good and a lot of light. Thank you for reading.

Busy Living

I love writing. It feels cathartic to write my worries and even to share my triumphs. But I sound like a broken record and I get sick of listening to myself spew out the same old crap on a different day. Is anyone really that interested that they want to read the ins and outs of my simple complex life?

Yesterday, I read about a woman who lost her life birthing twins. It seems so unfair that this bright star gets snuffed out in the beginning of her journey through motherhood. It was all she ever wanted, to become a mother. All those two tiny beings will ever want is a mother. She's gone. She was loved by many and admired by even more with her music and loving light that she showed the world regardless of her troubles. Why her? Why someone who spreads goodness where ever they go? I don't get it.

As life goes on, I get more and more confused. It is indescribable to me the amazement of it all, the pain of it all. I suppose the one job we have is to live only in the present so we don't waste another minute. We worry, we rehash every mistake made in our lives over and over, define ourselves by them even.

I am lucky enough to still have my ticket with time left on it. I know there's no guarantee in life and I should be more involved in the moment I'm living right now. But where do you start? In this very moment I guess. I have done a lot of good, I've done a lot of bad. Impulsive and remorseful. I'd rather be mindful and grateful. One day at a time.

My family is special. My marriage with Jamie isn't perfect but it's made of something stronger than I sometimes give us credit for. We have ebbs and flows just like a marriage should. But at the end of the day we cleave to each other for support and love. I am safe in his house and I don't want to build another. We were given three daughters to protect and guide through all of the obstacles that childhood presents and we're doing a great job. I put one foot in front of the other like I have it all together but on the inside.....the inside sometimes feels like a whole different world.

I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm living. All I can say is wow. My story isn't clean cut, it has jagged edges and rough surfaces. Is it like that for everyone? Is there such a thing as contentment? And how do you achieve this state of mind? I think maybe I over think it all. Too much, too little. Never just enough.