All good things come to an end.
Which, in my opinion, is the really shitty part of life. But in this deep pile of shit there are lessons to be had. Lessons about our hearts, lessons about our weaknesses, and even lessons about our strengths.
I learned of someone's passing yesterday morning on Facebook. Strange, I know, but I will be honest in saying that social networks are my lifeline to the rest of the world. I would be so lonely without them, and I would also have a much cleaner house, but I digress.
Tears started to trickle down my face in disbelief because I live in the world where no one dies and we all get to live happily ever after, my rose colored glasses and I are like peas and carrots, you see. Luckily, the last decade of my life has been free of loss, free of the reality that life is a circle and not an infinite line. I was happy there, but it is not real life. I was painfully reminded of that yesterday.
I surely loved the man that passed, a father of an old friend. A father figure to an entire generation of small town kids. We all flocked to their home, my friends and I, because they were the cool parents that let kids be kids. They gave us their home as a haven to do the things we would have been sneaking off to do anyway. Instead we did it at their house, where they were watching and most definitely keeping an eye out, making sure we had a safe place to find ourselves. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. What a open heart, how extraordinarily generous this was of them to do. Maybe it was so their own kids would be safe under their roof, but whatever the reason I think at the end of the day they cared about all of us more than they meant to. And I am eternally grateful to them for their open door.
I wept for him. I wept for my friend, knowing the daunting task ahead. As one friend put it, he put the sun in the sky for his baby girl, and now she has to lay him to rest. Never to be heard from again on this earth, only memories will keep her safe at night from this day on. My heart broke for her sadness, for her mother's sadness and for the loss of the grandchildren he bounced gleefully on his knee.
And then I started to feel other sadness, the sadness ahead of myself and all of my friends. I felt the heaviness of the years ahead. We will all lose our parents and loved ones near and dear, of that I am certain. I started to get mad and wonder why this has to be a part of life. What is the point of this? What is the point of life at all? Why are we even here........to love so fiercely just to have it taken away? I just don't understand what good comes of this.
I am still not sure. But I know as life progresses, as I move forward with my days, it will all come into focus. There is a pattern to life in general. We all have cycles to live out - some cut short and others too long. I don't understand it, I don't always like it, but darn it all the good stuff is worth it.
I woke up with Abby in my arms this am. I woke up to Emily's laughter (read dramatic cries of injustice!), and Sydney's sleepy saunter into the living room to get her morning dose of toons. I woke up to coffee brewing and the gentle touch of Jamie's arms around me. I am enveloped in love every day I am blessed with a beating heart. Life is so good to me and always gives me what I need and when I need it. I need only to be patient and trust in it.
We do not get to choose when we die, but we do get to choose when we live. I will choose today just like I always do.
RIP James. You touched so many lives without even know it, I imagine. Your angel wings are surely made of gold.
