Maybe I'm just a dork who messes around on New Year's making cheesy movies of her kids......but I'll own that title all year long.
May 2009 bring us all the joys and wonders of 2008 and more.....Happy Freaking New Year everyone. Happy Freaking New Year.
I'm happy for the short visit I had with my uncle last night and this morning. A trip down my way as a favor to the Amish folk in my home town to grab their snow plows built for horse wagons. They are going to put up the trusses on his new house he's building at his pond in return. I love the barter system they've got going on with one another. Makes for a tight community and a more satisfying relationship when it's two sided.
:)
I enjoyed making home made waffles for the girls' breakfast this morning, and a little one on one time with Sydney playing games.
I'm not very good at faking the lose....but I did it anyway.
:)
I am thinking about my inside thoughts a lot lately (and the outside ones, too) and how to put the good out front and let go of the bad before it really makes any kind of impression on my mood/day/week. It's not easy because, admittedly, I stress a lot. As would a lot of people if their days were filled to the brim with shitty diapers. Today? FIVE. Not counting the number of shitty asses I wiped but I'm trying to keep the details to a minimum.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
Okay.
Anyway. The point of this post is I'm thinking of changing the way I write in this blog. I want to bring the Happy out and shine the light on it. I think if I start little proclamations of victories and special moments in my day there will be less opportunity for the black to peak through.
Today my happiness is watching Emily's sweet side shine through and the naughty side fade somewhat. She has started to throw less tantrums and begin to respond to short bouts of discipline. She is learning, albeit slowly, to share even when it hurts her little heart to do so. She might even have to sit in a time out chair screaming for two straight minutes, but when she's released from her prison, she moves on. Most of the time.
Progress people, progress.
She has been showing a lot of love lately to her sisters in the form of hugs and hugs and hugs. Occasionally a kiss sneaks in there with it. She has also started to say "I love you, MAMA!".
These are my little victories today.
That's going to be ME if I have to listen to another day of the whining, whining, whining from the toddler, toddler, toddler. DUDE - SHUT UP ALREADY! I heard you, I know you're mad but for crying out loud would you put a damn cork in it?
You're driving us ALL INSANE!!!!!
Each month flipped over on the calendar, each day that passes by, is one more minute closer to the move. Put all the stress aside of getting a job, selling a house, getting a new home to live in and you suddenly remember this little girl who's whole world is all wrapped up in her third grader self. Her friends. The school play. Mr. E. Times tables. Chorus. The list goes on and on. She's a girl with places to go and people to see and in a few short months we're going to rip the carpet right out from underneath her footing.
I have to ask her to leave her life behind. Her friends. Her school. Her future as she knows isn't really known at all. I have the talks and go all fortune cookie on her...blah, blah, blah. The world is a big place, look at what you're going to gain, not what you'll lose sort of talk. But it doesn't make it better.
She cries. The silent cry where the eyes well up and tears fall down her face but she knows she can't change it so she doesn't make a sound. She just lets the sadness in and cries. I have to continue with the talks and face the heartache and help her through it because she's soft. She's so soft that I have to prepare her gently and let her feel the emotion slowly, months in advance, so that she doesn't seize up with sadness when the time comes to say good bye.
She'll be 9 and she'll have to say good-bye to her other half. Her best friend. The kind of best friend you share a necklace with and tell secrets to. The kind of best friend that you argue with daily because you're cool like that. You can fight and still love each other a few moments later. Like sisters.
I hate to ask this of her. This hurts more than any other good bye I've ever had to say because it's not my hurt. It's hers. And it's not her choice to do this. It's ours. It's a choice that we made before we even came here. Moving was always inevitable, even knowing full well that our little baby's world would change in the process.
I'm not sorry that we made this decision. Jamie's PhD is a big investment in our future and Cornell is a part of that investment. It doesn't change the consequences of our decision though. Her consequences. This move is going to shape her in some small way, for the better I believe, but growth sometimes calls for sacrifice.
Sacrifices I wish she didn't have to make.
I'm sorry, kid. Mama loves you and will hold your hand the whole way.
Promise.
