I'm here

Just distracted and busy with kids.

The baby isn't at a stage where I can sit and write much right now and night time is bed time for me.

I'm just so danged tired lately. One of the kids I take care of has needed a babysitter more regularly lately and he comes at 6 am. And when he arrives he is 100% on for the day. Usually once he gets here the rest of the house wakes up in spite of my desperate attempts to keep him from running, shouting, singing, or whatever else strikes his fancy at 6 O'CLOCK IN THE EFFIN' MORNING!! Another little girl I take care of doesn't come until 1 pm but stays until 7:30 pm. Those are the long days....I babysit for 13 hours total with 5 kids throughout certain parts of the day for $50.00. It hardly seems worth it when I'm 2 seconds from mental break down for an entire day...but it is what needs to be done to keep us afloat while J is in graduate school, so I do it.

And did I mention I make a lot of babies? Because I do.

I'm 11 weeks now; almost through the first trimester. Everyone swears this is our boy except for one of my smart, intuitive friends. I am leaning towards her feeling because I just know I'm going to have three girls. I have also been dreaming of boys and that has happened with every single pregnancy. I don't know. Maybe I don't have a damn clue what the sex is but my gut is saying girl. I guess we'll all know soon enough. For J, I would love a boy. He would be a great father to a son.

Another distraction has kept me silent because I don't know enough about it. I know that I'm worried and my gut is telling me for good reason. My birth mother is in the hospital in Halifax as we speak with a tracheotomy and a biopsy waiting for results. She's sick again and it doesn't look promising. They are going to take her voice box this time, her vocal chords will remain in tact so her "voice" will sound as close to hers as possible but she will no longer be able to talk in the way that all of us talk. This is the good news.

I don't know what her test results will show. They are going to do biopsies to see if its cancer again (I'm sure it is) and they are going to do some body scans to see if she doesn't have it elsewhere. I'm worried because she has had a lung infection for 8 months or more. Maybe I'm reading into things but the big warning sign of her cancer early on was her voice. She had "laryngitis" for a year before they finally concluded she had cancer.

So this is what I know to be true. In a couple of weeks I'll know if it is worse than that. All I can think is if she doesn't survive this both of my parents will be dead. I am not ready for that reality. But I'm not burying her just yet. She is a tough woman. I know what she is made of, that Tompkins' blood may be tainted with a little wild...but with that comes a will stronger than nails and if anyone can make it through it is her. If this cancer is beatable, she will beat it. I have no question.

So that's my status and I will try to write more when I get a chance. Those are just few and far between right now.