In a fog.

The past week has come and gone so quickly that I find it hard to remember the order in which it all happened. Holidays, especially Christmas, tend to be one big blur regardless of what is going on. Add to that a new baby, add thrush and a double ear infection the week before and you've got yourself a confused mama complete with crying baby.

The thrush I think has been mild since the c-section to be completely honest. My body reacts to antibiotics the same way every time. I had so many other things going on throughout recovery that it took a few weeks to figure out that there were a few ailments sticking around. At one point I thought I had thrush and as soon as I made that conclusion the symptoms disappeared completely. Only to return at full force the minute I went a little crazy with the sugar cookies and gave it enough gas to show its ugly head once more. We've both been treated and hopefully will not have to deal with that again. Yuck!!

The ear infection came two days after I was at the Dr. for thrush. The very same day I started taking diflucan the baby started screaming in the middle of the night. Looking back, all signs led to ear infection, but I was so confused because I thought it may have been an adverse reaction to the new medication. The poor thing had an ear infection in BOTH ears and wasn't even two months old. I felt so horrible, like the worst mother in the world. They had to draw her blood from veins that are barely the size of the needle they are sticking into her little arms (and legs because it took three tries!!!). What a nightmare. Luckily, they finally got enough blood for a culture, otherwise I would have had to drive to the hospital lab to have it drawn there and start the horrific process all over, just to drive back there so they could give her a shot of antibiotic. After the blood came the shot anyway, but at least we didn't have to drive all over town adding stress to an already stressful situation. Needless to say the hubby and I fought that night because I was an irritable bitch and he didn't feel like helping me be nice. (Am I the only one who needs to be talked out of bitchiness?)

All of the craziness gave me a weight loss boost that I was wicked stoked about for about a whole day. I gave myself permission to act like I hadn't eaten in years over the holiday and immediately put all the weight plus a pound or two back on. A week of discipline should put me back where I was before the extra weight loss but it's hard to get back on track after a naughty binge.

Christmas was quiet, relaxing and enjoyable despite all the chaos prior. We all ate Christmas dinner in the clothes we woke up in. A little lazy, but what the hay. S was delighted with all her goodies and E was asleep the entire time we opened gifts. I threw the tree out the house yesterday evening and will be packing up the rest of the holiday decor next week. I love this time of year but am always happy to see it come to a close.

Now, all I want to know is, is it spring yet?

She is kinda cute.....

Today

I'm losing my mind.

Another growth spurt, three other kids to run after and voices shouting Mama, Aropa, Bapa, WAAAAAAAAH and woof woof (effing dog)!!!! ALL at the same time.

Are you sure it's not safe to douse yourself in alcohol while breastfeeding?

Right now there is one pre-toddler fighting a nap in my room because they finally took her bink away, two girls in S's room bickering over who gets to make the rules to whatever house game they are playing this hour and one sleeping baby on the couch.

Deep breath.

It's 3:00 pm and I am finally eating lunch. Light and fit yogurt with a handful of walnuts sprinkled in and a handful of carrots. Not the caloric intake I need but some days there just isn't time to make yourself a sandwich. Today is one of those days. I'll probably end the afternoon with an unhealthy binge because that is what happens when I get too hungry.

I'm sure in 7 minutes the babe will wake up and feed again. Hourly seems to be her gig today. Bless her little wailing heart. She is truly adorable yet stubborn in her own little way. She loves her some mama and will not settle for anything but the woman with the huge babas attached to her front. So cute.....but so frustrating. Mama loves her some baby too, though. I can't imagine what my life would be like without her now and the breastfeeding bonding thing we've got goin' on totally rocks even on the hardest days.

Funny question of the day.

"What will you be using for birth control?" the Dr. asks.

Silence.

Um.....abstinence?

I'm not so sure that's the answer the hubby wants to hear but a girl has to have some recuperation time after growing a live human being for heaven's sake. So maybe I told a little white lie....eventually I'm sure I'll give in to his begging. Just not so sure when.

Maybe by the approaching holiday. I'm going to need a bigger bow this year, though.

I love being the woman.

And the award goes to.....

my man for being the brightest husband EVER.



Thank-you very much for unloading an entire dishwasher full of DIRTY dishes. How thoughtful of you and economical, too. I wish I had only half the great ideas you have in one day.



I never thought I'd be saying this....but next time, I'll put the dishes away. K?

I stole this.....

from another blog but having just had a baby I couldn't help but wonder what her little thoughts are. How does she feel outside of Mother?

In the beginning, I was.
I was for a long time.

Then things began to happen.
Inside me, something was beating fast,and outside, something was beating slower.
For a long time, that was all I knew.

There was something soft and warm beside me.
Food came from it.
My angel was there.But I did not know that.

"Who are you?" I asked my angel.
"You will know," said my angel.
"Eat now."

Then I could hear, and see.
I saw dark, and sometimes less dark.
I heard the beating inside me, and the slow beating outside.I heard other things, but I did not know what they were.

"Where am I?" I asked my angel.
"Mother," said the angel.
Mother was dark and full of water.
There was room to swim.
There were bumps on my hands.
They grew larger and longer.I could move them.
I put one in my mouth.It felt good.I put it there often.

Sometimes it was dark, and sometimes it was less dark.
I liked the less dark better than the dark.
Sounds came from there.

Sometimes something came, pushing.
I touched it with my hand, but it always went away.
"What is it?" I asked my angel.
"That is the other world," said the angel."Someday you will go there."
"What is the other world like?" I asked my angel.
"It is not like this world," said the angel.
"When you go there, you will find out."

Food always came, and I ate it.
I slept with the angel close to me.
The angel was always there, in the dark and warm.

There were sounds I liked and some sounds I did not like as well.
I heard more and more.
I listened more and more.S
ometimes things moved,and sometimes things did not move.
When things did not move, I did.

There was one thing I did not understand.
Mother got smaller and smaller.
There was a time when I could swim,and touch Mother only if I wanted to.
But now Mother was everywhere.
It became harder and harder to move.

"What is happening?" I asked my angel.
"You are growing," said my angel.
But I did not know what 'growing' meant.

I slept and dreamt of swimming.
Then, when I was moving, I suddenly found a bit more room.
Room for my head.It felt odd, but I kept it there.
I did not know why.

"Something is going to happen," I said to my angel.
"That is right," said the angel.
"It is time for you to go soon. There is not enough room for you here."
"When I go to the other world, where will you be?" I asked my angel.
"I will be there," said the angel.
"I will always be with you.You may not see me or hear me.In the other world there are many things to see and hear,but I will always be with you."

I did not want to go to the other world.
But I knew I had to.
For now, I slept.
I waited with my angel
and I looked at the less dark.

"She wants you to come out," the angel said.
"Who?""Mother," said the angel.
"But I thought Mother was a place."
"She is more than a place," the angel said.
"You will find out soon."

It was dark, and then less dark.
I needed room for my head.
I decided to go.

Then everything moved.Things pushed me.
The waters began to leave.
I tried to hold on to them, but they left.
I was sad, but there was no room to swim anyway.
There was a long time, everything moving.
There were sounds - sad sounds, loud sounds.
I did not want to move, but I was moving.
Moving.
Moving.

Then there was light.And nothing else.
No Mother. No angel. Nothing.

Sounds came out of me.Oh! Loud sounds!
Nothing was anywhere!
And then something new was around me, warm and soft.I knew it was Mother, but different.
I was less cold.I saw someone.I was quiet.
It was Mother, but not all around me.

There were sounds that were new and not new.
Then I slept.I woke up.
I was cold.I was alone.
Where was my angel?Oh, where was my angel?

Sounds came out of me.Mother came.
She was all around me, just about.I felt warm.
Things were better.But I missed the waters.I missed my angel.
It was quiet. All was quiet.
I looked and saw my angel.
It was not warm. It was much less dark.But my angel was there.

"I will always be with you," said my angel.
"There are many things in this world to hear.
There are many things to see. You will not always hear me. You will not always see me, but I will always be here."
"How will I know you are here?" I asked.
"When you are quiet, you will know," said my angel.
"But I like to see you and hear you and feel you," I said.
"I don't like this world. It is too cold. It is too big."
"It is very big, but you will grow big. It will feel better and warmer when you are bigger.
But there is another, bigger world outside this one.
Someday I will take you there."

"When?" I asked my angel.
"When it is time," said my angel.
It has now been many days since I left the waters.
There is much to see, and much to learn.
I like many things.

Sometimes when I am in my bath, I remember the waters, and swimming.
And my angel is always there.

Growth spurt?!

It has to be. Either that or I'm the ultimate human pacifier.

I may have a little problem scheduling her, or should I say, a problem with HER schedule. There is no such thing as scheduling a breast fed baby just yet. Or if there is, no one is sharing the secret.

I'm tired. As I should be with a 4 week old baby. Sometimes, when I am alone inside of my head, I am wondering what the HELL I did to myself. A few hours later I look down at my peaceful, sleeping babe and it is all perfectly clear what my plans were when we kinda tried to get pregnant.

Lately she has been doing a nightly awake period from 9 to 12:30 with a constant need to nurse. She also does this from 2:30 - 6:00 pm. There is no point in putting her down when she falls asleep because a few minutes later she will wake up and frantically search for her soft place. That being me and my bare chest full of warm, yummy milky milk, which I have lots of, but after three hours of near constant nursing I barely have anything left to give and she gets frustrated at having to work so hard for few drops of good stuff. Hopefully my supply catches up with her hunger soon. Just when you think you've got it all figured out and your supply is actually doable and the engorgement phase has dwindled they throw a curve ball at you.

Any mother who has nursed their child has gone through all these frustrations, knowing this is what keeps me going, but I have to admit at midnight there may be thoughts of formula racing through my head. I don't do it because I've set a goal for myself and I don't want to give up (at least three months; a little is better than none). I don't want to mess with my milk supply by supplementing during these trying times and most importantly, and I want my daughter to get the very best.

I know bottle fed babies thrive and turn out to be beautiful, smart, healthy strong children. S was a bottle fed baby and is healthy and strong as any breast fed child. Even healthier than some. I always felt as though I missed out by not nursing her and hope for better with this little one.

Anyway, that is the struggle as of late. I'm tired and she's hungry. We're doing the best we can I guess and this too shall pass. Eventually things will be different and I'll long for the days when she needed me the most. :-(