Up and at 'em!

How annoying to be woken up at 2:45 am by your brother who has found himself in jail once again. I sassed him and told him he was a dink for calling me in the middle of the night. What couldn't wait for the morning? Nothing. He just needed to be validated that he was still a good person even though he continuously makes poor decisions for himself. It's everyone's fault but his own. At one point, well, the last time he was in jail, I tried to reach out to him and be honest. I told him to get help and to better himself while he had the chance to do it, and had the chance to think. Within months of being released from jail he was up to his same old tricks and trades. All he ever does is make excuses and lie. It's sad and it makes it hard on all of us worrying if he's going to be okay. Just another alcoholic who won't face up to their problems in my family. How many we up to now?

I feel bad that he's having such a hard time kicking addiction. It doesn't have to be alcohol, it can be any substance that takes away the misery that is his reality. The pain he refuses to deal with. I wrote about this before. He's struggled, that's been taken into consideration by everyone. Haven't we all? I have climbed tough mountains in my day, only to reign queen on high once more several times. That's at least 40 times more than I care to think about. I struggle all the time with guilt from past mistakes and sadness from what was lost and cannot be restored. I struggle with substance abuse and keeping myself clear so I can make good choices. What other choice do we have but to learn from our mistakes and live in a better direction.

I love you Mike but now is the time. GET HELP!!

So he's back in jail and will stay there I imagine. He broke his probation this past December after going through a year's worth of unnoticed bad behavior. It's caught up with him because he can only run for so long.

I'll be so happy and relieved, as will we ALL when he stops running and faces his problems head on. He's a good person and deserves good things like anyone else. Just choose a better life Michael. We're all waiting for you.

So here I am at 5:20 am. It's almost time for my alarm and I was tired of spinning my wheels so I thought I'd share the latest crazy thoughts.

In other news, I have not called my aunt all week and I have not heard from her. I guess that would mean that mom is still waiting for her light. I feel guilty not to be more present in that situation but it's so difficult to face. I am not turning a blind eye, she's on my mind daily but I can't live in constant grief, I don't think she'd want me to.

I am going to have a long ass day. I'm yawning like crazy but of course can't shut my mind off. I made coffee and I hope that helps. I have a 5 mile hike planned for my friend and I this morning to start her day off right. It's her birthday!! I am looking forward to making it a good one.

Have a good day my friends. Chat again later.