It's just that time of year.

The time when I crawl into a hole and try to get through 28 days of hell, this year it was 29. February is one mean bitch and kicks my ass every year. It's no coincidence that I celebrate Valentine's Day, wedding anniversary, and my birthday all within those four short (loooooooong) weeks. It kinda sucks to have it all piled on top of the other and usually I'd say that I get the big old jiparooni but when I think hard about it...what would happen to me otherwise. The cake, the flowers, the cards, the presents....probably keep me from the funny farm. When I am independently wealthy, I am heading to Jamaica for February hell.

So you're wondering if my mom passed away, right? She is still hanging on by a thread, almost as if her suffering has to be drawn out so her family is okay with her heading into the Great Beyond. And we are all ready for her to be over the suffering and the pointless existence of her death bed. I just want her to be free. I could cry a river for myself but that isn't what this is about. Finally, at long last, I am at peace with losing my mother. My selfish ego, who refuses to quiet down is shouting otherwise but I'm trying not to feel pity for myself because it isn't productive or even fair to have that emotion given all that she's suffered and endured through her entire life.

I am grateful to her for loving me and keeping me safe even though she was my grandmother, not my mother. For raising me and clothing me and keeping me warm at night. I love her more than any other person on this earth sans my own children. Through that love, my grieving will be about saying good bye and letting go, not wishing for the outcome to be different. I take comfort knowing that I'll be able to talk to her when she's gone. She'll really hear me and know that I learned a lot from her. That all I ever wanted to do was make her proud of me, not to show off or be some sort of fancy pants that I often felt she thought I was doing when I tried to buy her a gift, or cook her a meal. I just wanted her to know that although I was not perfect or everything she would have liked me to be, I had paid attention to her and when I try to curb my less desirable habits, I try to be more like her in many ways. I'll never have the strength and incredible generosity that she had. She never complains even though she is always in considerable amounts of pain. She always gave even though she wasn't by any means wealthy enough to do so. I am forever in her debt.

I never know where I'm going when I write you know. I don't have a plan, or a structure, rhyme or reason. I just barf it all out on blogspot for the world to read if they choose. And I am terrified that someone I know will read it, except for a very select few people whom I trust with these incredibly vulnerable moments. It's okay for them to look in my window because I don't care what their going to think because I know they won't mock me and I wouldn't do it to them. And I love them for that.

So it's March now and I feel pretty happy this week. I'm coming out of my winter fog and it feels great. I've had a really productive couple of weeks which has been great for me. I needed to lift myself up in the worst way. I don't know where the shift came from but I have secret ideas, ideas I won't write about because my daughter now knows I have a blog and I'm terrified that she'll read it and find out her mother is crazy.

Speaking of, I have never considered her learning about things I have lived through and why I might be the person I am, some of which I've written in here. Let's hope I bore the living shit out of her before she searches too far into the archives.

Let's hope.

I'll try to get back here soon. I'm sorry for the long pause. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't. I appreciate that you come back though, considering it's such a bunch of crappy writing about the most random shit anyone could ever think of writing about. I can't believe anyone would even give it their time in the day but who am I to say what one person relates to. And with that I say.....catch ya later homies.