Ten days in
and I'm feeling okay. I've made it through a couple of rough patches, to include this morning. I stood outside waiting for S's school bus and suddenly it hit me. I miss her. I miss the alone time we normally have. The last ten days have been so crammed together as if it were one long day and I've forgotten to breathe and enjoy the few moments I've stolen with her. I cried when I walked through the door and could cry if I tried to talk about it out loud even now.
The baby blues are here and I hope they leave soon. I'm so emotional and cry so easily and I know it's driving the hubby a little insane. Men just don't understand the roller coaster of emotions a woman feels after giving birth to her child. It's an amazing and wonderful experience, giving birth, but often causes us to lose our heads briefly throughout the day for a while. I try to explain the need for him to be sensitive to what I'm going through and how I need comfort when I'm dealing with the emotional upheaval but he doesn't know what to say. Not knowing what to say often ends in him saying something really stupid and only agitates the feelings even further into the black hole. It's getting better, though. I know it will pass once routine sets in and I can juggle this new life that's totally dependant on me. She is too cute to give back and although life will never be the same again, it's a different kind of different. A happy different, a good different.
My milk is overflowing, leaking from the spout as if I had an army to feed. Why are some women blessed with an abundance while others are skimped on supply? Last night I brought out a torture device otherwise known as a hand pump because the little bugger, despite all her efforts could not empty my bosom. I pumped off 9 oz. and by morning they were full. The kid can eat, for sure. She started screaming for food just as I started browning some ground beef for taco night. I broke down and thought I'd give her a taste of what I had pumped. She ate 5 oz. I couldn't believe the appetite on her. I remember S at the newborn stage. She, too, was a large baby and I was lucky to get her to down 3 oz at this age. I guess I don't have to worry much about her weight gain this week. She's getting her fair share. My favorite part.....little hands cupping my breast while she's sucking away as if there weren't a care in the world. The innocence is beautiful and it almost makes me cry to think that one day it will be gone. For now, I'm cherishing her unknown and basking myself in the simplicity of it all (after I have a good cry and dig out the lansinoh cream that is).
All crazy new baby turmoil aside, it's been a wonderful 10 days. I really do feel full of love, and even though it can be difficult at times, and even though I feel undeserving once in a while, I know that somewhere in the cosmos I had one coming to me. I laugh with the hubby (he is a hottie, huh!) about my life now and we both agree that since my childhood was not so childlike I get to have a good time being a grown up and my blessings abound because I survived adolescence. Funny how that works out.
3 comments:
Very well put. I don't envy you of the newborn stage, but the fun part is right around the corner. As far as S goes, just reassure her (as much as yourself) that everything will find its own balance in time. Keep pumping off some of that goody goody milk and hand the little one off to Daddy every now and then for some quality time with the bigger one. You'll both appreciate it. Keep it up! You can do it!
How are you doing? Hopefully those initial post-partum blues should have lessened. Is she letting you sleep much? Remember, the newborn stage is totally consuming and although you may feel that you'll be stuck in this mire of constant feedings and night-wakings, it passes. You may have a less time for S for a little while, but that's where your husband can pick up the slack. They can have some extra time together while you sleep with the baby. If you want an ear to cry into or need some bf'ing help, I'm here. xo
It is going well. There is always so much anticipation involving your new baby. What will she look like, what will she be like, will I be able to survive breast feeding's initial torture? So many questions, then when they're here you have no time to even think about what the answers really are. I'm lucky,though, she's a doll. She is so good I'm afraid to pinch myself. Feeding can be time consuming but she sleeps so well and eats so efficiently and because she's a big baby she can handle the bountiful supply I'm managing right now. I'm tired...but I'm used to that. I forget what it's like to sleep through the night.
She's growing so fast....three weeks old already :-( I know she'll be turning one before I know it. Time flies way too fast anymore.
Hope you guys had a great holiday.
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