Move complete!

We made it into our new house and Abigail's 6th birthday party with decent results.  I won't say I was a walking cloud of calm the entire time, but I kept moving forward each day.  I've unpacked and sorted (again) about 85% of our household belongings.  Some of our things were still packed from the previous move last November.  Some of it is packed into storage still. 

I had a dream about moving last night.  I know this uncertainty and lack of control has been a huge factor in my ability to handle every day stresses.  This rock has been sitting on our back ever since Dee was diagnosed with cancer a year ago.  It's been heavy since then. 

I decided the best thing for me to do right now is figure out meds, focus on family, and workout with something different most days of the week to learn.  Then a dash of Zumba classes to get my name exposed to people.  Patience has never been a virtue of mine and maybe that's why I'm always faced with situations that keep me immobile, or have me take steps backwards because the first round was a training for what's to come.  It's not my job to figure it all out today.  Let's just call this planning mode since I don't feel stable enough in my day to day to take on any more than what's in front of me. 

I've been told that I'm not here for the sprint, it's the marathon that's going to really matter.

On a more uplifting note, I could live here forever.  I chose this place a long time ago. While it's a different home for me now, I'm grateful to be back in the arms of the Maine coast.  Soaking in the energy of all that is attracted to this place.  I didn't see a cardinal all winter long, but the first day we moved into our new (AMAZING) rental, there were a pair sitting right on the bushes by the driveway, unaffected by my showing up to bask in their sun.  I was so happy in that moment. 

I've been happy in many moments though.  I haven't been writing here since we left the other house but this was a great move.  We are paying more for this house but having it located in town is a blessing.  Lots and lots of walking, bike riding, park visiting, library, shops, good restaurants, post office, therapy, yoga, school....the list could be larger but you get the idea.  It's an old meets new Victorian house with lots of space and charm.  Everyone has settled in nicely, even me. 

I managed a really nice family dinner and home made dessert for Abby's birthday.  We had a great gathering last Sunday afternoon.  It was the first time both sisters and their families came to my home for a meal and in THAT moment, I felt normal.  Like I wasn't on the outside looking in. 

Though the beginning has been rocky, I realize that it's the beginning.  Just like a flower that closed in the darkness...I will bloom in my own timing and in my own way.  Hopefully into a more beautiful one with each new coming moment. 

Seriously though, having my bipolar disorder fully express itself was something I didn't see coming until it happened.  Even the name of this blog that's been in circulation on and off for only knows how long, indicated a flash.  I wonder how this will be used in my life?  All is our guru and if I'm lucky, I'll be able to use it as a positive to help others.  This is my intention, to manage this as best I know how and live the best life I absolutely can.  But it won't happen overnight I don't think.

A blessing for today.

It seems like having a really good, but non manic day is the gift I'm hoping for each day when I get up.  We are moving into a new rental this weekend.  I've been running back and forth all day getting things, cleaning, unpacking boxes that have been sealed for months, organizing Jim's mess from bringing stuff over last weekend, and trying not to look at the shambles all around because I know that this too shall pass. 

Yesterday was so sad.  I try to explain how I feel to Jim and he's a no go with emotion.  I need to hear he wants to take this on together.  It feels like he doesn't even realize the seriousness of needing to know exactly how much he needs me.  I worry about this, it's real and can consume me if I let it.  He's said a few things this year that hit hard.  One was the money thing I wrote about yesterday.  The other was when we first moved and I was having a fun party night with my sister. 

"I should leave you."

I have abandonment issues that stem all the way back to when my mom chose to raise my siblings but graciously gave me to her mother so it could be easier on us both.  That had to of not been easy.  I acknowledge the reasons, but the scars remain and whenever faced with a situation that mimics any thing remotely like abandonment before I'm ready for a separation....I fall into depression. 

Those words haven't left me yet.  *sigh*

I'm pretty level today but that's kind of the way I roll.  When duty calls I can ignore all the craziness that sits inside of my brain and focus on life that needs to be lived.  I'm assuming for this weekend I should be okay. 

Another ride.

Life can certainly change in a moment.  One day you think your path is clear before you, and another minute it's like everything you ever thought you were is completely different.

I had a really hard Friday.  The paranoia and panic attacks were so unbearable that I absolutely had to drink a few and smoke half a pack of cigarettes just to get by.  I lost a total of 5 hours of sleep in just two days and was borderline psychotic.  Again.

I'm happy to say that I reached out for help from Jamie.  Attempting suicide is only a few missteps away.  One moment of resolve is all it will take, one time when my courage is greater than my fear of death.  My delusions are so out of control in my manic phases that I can't function or see anything but signs about the coming of Jesus and my apparent role in this all going down.  The hero, the right hand of the one true King.  It's very heavy to carry this load and it's not even just the delusions that are heavy.  It's put my family in a good bit of financial hard ship that is all my fault.

I sometimes feel like everyone would be safer without me and their lives better.  Jim's reaction to my emergency room visit when I first went in this last episode was "do you know how much this is going to cost?"  I wouldn't talk because I felt in my delusions that talking would spoil the master plan and I didn't think it was safe to talk.  We are still paying off the last stay of $1500.00.  This new one comes with a large deductible and 20% of the costs of hospital stay for 7 days.  Two days in emergency care, a CT scan, and 6 days inpatient at Acadia.

It's not easy for me to find myself worthy of a pedicure, much less thousands of dollars because I'm nuts.

Where did the good feelings go?

I'm not sure Jim loves me enough to take this on.  I know he loves me, he wants the best for his kids.  But I'm not sure he can do this long term.  I've always been the rock and he's been able to go to work and feel safe that our home was run somewhat smoothly.  Just getting kids to school and supper on the table is a major event.  My classes are doing awful, I'm not making any money at all and I feel like a waste of space.  I'm a fine instructor with good things to offer but that has to take limited space since managing this illness has to take priority. 

Sometimes it's not so hard to find value, but when I think of all the trouble this new illness is causing I find it very tiresome.  Who is going to want to put up with this?  Even on medication I'm all over the place.  My kids need their mom.  If I didn't have my kids I probably would already have succeeded in just 6 short months of having this disease. 

I'm lost today. 

I don't want to give up at all, but I'm having a moment where I wonder if I'm worth it.