Rambling.

I'm feeling rather lost lately. I am getting a handle on the newborn/three kid juggle but I'm still lost. I get this way when it's time to go home. Or maybe I just am this way. I don't know really. I find it more noticeable when I am ready for the long haul up to Maine because I'm aware of how sensitive I am to the loneliness I am overwhelmed with at times here in NY. I almost dread seeing friends and family because I have to turn around and go home. The visit is never long enough nor is it short enough because let's face it, packing three kids, husband and dog isn't easy. It all falls on my shoulders and I get really tired and stressed by the end of it. Vacation is far more work than I want or need it to be.

Another thing that is really chaffing my ass lately is the in-laws inferring constantly that S has suddenly had to take the hard road at home. Poor S, she probably never gets time blah blah blah blah. Like giving her sisters, friends for life, has somehow damaged her childhood and made life unbearable. It bothers me that we are still having this conversation two years later. It bothers me that my MIL won't spend too much time building bonds with her other two grand-daughters because of what S might think or feel. So of course she feeds off this because the notion hasn't been guarded from her. She knows what they think and feel and plays them all like a quiet melody. They don't even know she's manipulating every single moment of their time, innocently mind you, but manipulating none the less. She's 8. She's a kid. Kids do that. And everyone gasps at her neediness and her reluctance to leave. Like she wasn't the same exact way before all this baby business even began. Give me a break.

Can I just talk about one more thing I have been yearning to address? Call me selfish if you must, but I am drowning. Drowning over in the sidelines by myself and there isn't a hand in sight to pull me out. At least one that I don't have to fight for. I mentioned the loneliness here earlier. Let me just say that it is downright crippling me right now. I am at the bottom of the list of things to take care of, not just my own list but everyone's list. I don't believe that I should be first or even that I mind being last, I just hate that all the gas has run out when my turn comes. I expect a certain amount of neglect with small kids at home and I give my man props all the time for his dedication to family and all that. I just feel that every morsel I get I have to beg the kids for and seize every opportunity to exploit alone time. I'd settle for anything as long as I didn't have to compete with tv or some other distraction.

I know a lot of my issues are exaggerated because I think I'm dealing with some post-partum issues and I know that in time I will feel a little more comfortable in my own skin and more like myself. I just haven't felt that way in a long, looooong time. Over two years. I often wonder how I'm going to make it through these times and I just tell myself one day. One day you will get there and only one day at a time. It's unimaginable what a date might actually feel like. Or going to the movies. Or chewing my food. Or sleeping. Or fitting into my old jeans.

Just so we're clear. I love my babies and my husband and my life. I will get through all this because of that love. But sometimes you lose yourself and it's hard to get it back because demands are many. I'm slowly feeling my way around and will manage to find a happy medium. Eventually I will be able to go for more than one or two days without feeling hopelessly helpless. I'll let you know when that happens.