My Daughter!

This kid challenges me with every interaction, every single morsel of time we spend together. Her latest is taking her clothes off. And then her diaper. One would think, hmmm....is she telling me something? Does she want to potty train? The answer to that obvious question is a big fat NO!! She just wants to piss all over the house. She hasn't taken a poopy diaper off yet, THANK HEAVEN for small miracles but I know that it is going to happen sooner or later. Now we are keeping underwear on over her diaper because it keeps the diaper on when she's feeling particularly lazy.

She's a moody little nugget too. For instance, this morning I was nursing baby on the couch when she wailed from her bedroom to announce that she had woken up. I had O (young girl I babysit) go and grab her from her room since I have to gate her to keep her in there for bedtime and keep her from prowling at night. She came whining to the living room and threw her blanket at me and shoved her face in her hands to cry in protest that her mother was busy with the *gasp* other baby. The end of the world as she knows it. She often gets angry at me nursing A or holding her and will just walk up and slap her upside the head to let her know she's invading her territory. Such a tyrant that one.

She is cutting her eye teeth right now and that makes her a bit crankier than usual if that is even possible. It makes her night sleeping unbearable as well. I've been letting her cry this past week because her father has allowed a nasty habit of waking up for three or four hours at NIGHT get out of control. She's getting better but it's hard to let her cry. And I have to do double duty with A and E because she will refuse to get back in bed for her father and that kind of argument and test of wills just isn't something any of us wants to deal with at 2 am. So I do it. At least A only gets up once around 4 am and I just plop her in bed with me to nurse and sleep until we get up. It's frequent that she sleeps right through but right now she's hitting her three month growth spurt a little early and wants to nurse a bit more. I enjoy the cuddles to be honest and listening to her tiny breath as she sleeps. It's adorable. Oh and the little sighs? I love those.

Back to the bad kid. How funny is it when you get this little challenge and your heart grows bigger and bigger every day. You are frustrated but amused with their independence. I am so thankful to have her as my daughter. I am growing in big ways with this one. She teaches me of patience and how it will grow when life calls for it. She teaches me of endurance and just how much we can take and even when we feel like our well is dry there is always another drop to squeeze out. She teaches me to love when the limits are being pushed. And she teaches me that life is about curiosity and learning and getting all you can out of it.

And most importantly, how each and every single moment is a gift.

Sometimes you're given a gift...

and it's quickly taken away.

It's been a few weeks since it happened but my sister lost her baby. It was a shock to find out she had a miracle coming her way, but the more time went by, the more she wanted to see what the future had in store for her family. Unfortunately it wasn't what she had hoped.

She is doing okay but of course she is sad. Something happens to you when you find out your family is growing. You start picturing your life with someone else in it and when that changes suddenly, I can only imagine the sadness that follows. Planned or not, she wanted this baby. We all did.

I hate it when gifts are taken away.

It ain't all bad.

It really isn't. I feel crappy a lot. I have bad hours in most every single day here lately. It has loads to do with hormones and a little to do with draining children and a laid back hubby who needs to relax and not worry about getting his doctorate sometimes. Who can I really fault for those things? It is merely reality. I just need some kid glove treatment and there just isn't the time or resources available for that to happen.

But I do have to share with you a very special piece of joy that came into my life just over two months ago. TWO MONTHS AGO?! Can you believe my wee girl is two months old already? Oh people she is scrumptious. Cute beyond words with her chunky thighs and her tiny little belly button. The only one of my girls with an innie and I find it so adorable and sweet I could eat a scoop of ice cream right out of it.

She is heaven in a onsie. Really. So quiet and sleepy ALL DAY AND NIGHT!!! WOOT WOOT!! When she is awake she is always happy to see my face and gives me the sweetest smiles that are reserved only for the one who holds the key to her heart. ME! She is just starting to give up her 2 am feeding. Can I tell you how awesome that feels? She doesn't skip every night and her schedule does seem to be changing a bit as her bed time is finally starting to establish. That has her waking a bit more at night but she goes back to sleep easily and is really quick about her business. I'm at least getting 3 or 4 hour stretches twice a night. I haven't had that consistently for a long time.

Then there is E. My tantrum throwing, teeth cutting, mud slinging screecher with her hand always cocked and ready to bitch slap your ass should you need it. Or even if you don't. OH MY WORD she is difficult. Naughty, naughty, naughty. But then you look at her mischievous smile, curls dangling in her face while listening to her babbles and non-sense and you trip over yourself trying to get a hug and kiss from her. I am going to have to work hard at teaching this child manners and reminding her of boundaries.

My eldest princess is ever the light of joy that she's always been with a hint of pain in the ass. What kid doesn't push their parent's buttons every now and again? She's growing up so fast and becoming a little lady more and more every day. She had her first pedicure this summer at Mimi's house. She's going to be a girly girl that one. She will be starting 3rd grade in just about a month. It feels like last week I put her hair in braids for her first day of kindergarten.

J is looking for JOBS!! We have a year left here but it is never too soon to sniff around, fine tune the resume and get a picture in mind of where he wants to go. I am praying for Maine. I want to go home. Not home home but rather a different version of it. I want the comfort of being in Maine and the independence of a three hour drive to separate me from the riff raff. There's a lot of it where I grew up. And they are all related to me.

Rambling.

I'm feeling rather lost lately. I am getting a handle on the newborn/three kid juggle but I'm still lost. I get this way when it's time to go home. Or maybe I just am this way. I don't know really. I find it more noticeable when I am ready for the long haul up to Maine because I'm aware of how sensitive I am to the loneliness I am overwhelmed with at times here in NY. I almost dread seeing friends and family because I have to turn around and go home. The visit is never long enough nor is it short enough because let's face it, packing three kids, husband and dog isn't easy. It all falls on my shoulders and I get really tired and stressed by the end of it. Vacation is far more work than I want or need it to be.

Another thing that is really chaffing my ass lately is the in-laws inferring constantly that S has suddenly had to take the hard road at home. Poor S, she probably never gets time blah blah blah blah. Like giving her sisters, friends for life, has somehow damaged her childhood and made life unbearable. It bothers me that we are still having this conversation two years later. It bothers me that my MIL won't spend too much time building bonds with her other two grand-daughters because of what S might think or feel. So of course she feeds off this because the notion hasn't been guarded from her. She knows what they think and feel and plays them all like a quiet melody. They don't even know she's manipulating every single moment of their time, innocently mind you, but manipulating none the less. She's 8. She's a kid. Kids do that. And everyone gasps at her neediness and her reluctance to leave. Like she wasn't the same exact way before all this baby business even began. Give me a break.

Can I just talk about one more thing I have been yearning to address? Call me selfish if you must, but I am drowning. Drowning over in the sidelines by myself and there isn't a hand in sight to pull me out. At least one that I don't have to fight for. I mentioned the loneliness here earlier. Let me just say that it is downright crippling me right now. I am at the bottom of the list of things to take care of, not just my own list but everyone's list. I don't believe that I should be first or even that I mind being last, I just hate that all the gas has run out when my turn comes. I expect a certain amount of neglect with small kids at home and I give my man props all the time for his dedication to family and all that. I just feel that every morsel I get I have to beg the kids for and seize every opportunity to exploit alone time. I'd settle for anything as long as I didn't have to compete with tv or some other distraction.

I know a lot of my issues are exaggerated because I think I'm dealing with some post-partum issues and I know that in time I will feel a little more comfortable in my own skin and more like myself. I just haven't felt that way in a long, looooong time. Over two years. I often wonder how I'm going to make it through these times and I just tell myself one day. One day you will get there and only one day at a time. It's unimaginable what a date might actually feel like. Or going to the movies. Or chewing my food. Or sleeping. Or fitting into my old jeans.

Just so we're clear. I love my babies and my husband and my life. I will get through all this because of that love. But sometimes you lose yourself and it's hard to get it back because demands are many. I'm slowly feeling my way around and will manage to find a happy medium. Eventually I will be able to go for more than one or two days without feeling hopelessly helpless. I'll let you know when that happens.

What I call payback.

When I found out I was pregnant with Baby A I was taken by surprise. Everyone was. I had just had a baby 9 months prior and while that isn't uncommon it wasn't something I thought would happen. There were chuckles shared and "don't worry" said more times than I can count. We all agreed it would be a positive thing and that in 2 or 3 years. YEARS. My life would resume some sort of normalcy.

My big sister, acting the smart ass that she is, asked several times throughout my pregnancy if I had gotten my period yet. Even right down to the last day or two before A's birth she would ask. She found my predicament rather amusing I guess. I told her what goes around comes around and to be careful. There was that one time she made fun of me for having a cold sore on my nose and soon after she had a breakout so bad her whole mouth was covered.

What goes around comes around.

And that it does. So......I'm going to call her like I always do and once or twice a month for the next, oh say, 9 months I'm going to ask her if by any chance she has gotten her period yet.

What goes around comes around.