How am I supposed to feel?

Emily is weaning, not from "milk" entirely, just from me. She is now drinking formula and lots of it.

She's hit her 6th month spurt recently and I am having supply issues, have been for the last month or so. No matter the length of time nursing or the frequency, my ability to make extra is failing me. So, after a screaming fit at 11:00 pm the other night and my inability to calm her, I made a bottle. She drank 3 oz in 3 seconds flat and passed out. The next day I had J pick up a can of the same formula just for supplementing purposes. I wanted to see if this was a one time deal or am I going to be able to give her one of these regularly to give myself a break. Turns out she'd rather the bottle now. And I don't know how to feel about this.

She's still kinda nursing a bit, but not really. Not for lack of trying, though. Oh, I imagine I could just not make the bottles and let her be satisfied with my meager supply and listen to her wail all day long like I have been for the last month. Or I could just let it happen.

Why am I so ridiculously sad? Tears are welling in my eyes right now because I know in my heart that our nursing relationship is coming to an end. And so fast. A week ago I was in for the long ride, my new goal was 1 year. I felt like I had come a long way since my initial thinking of 3 months. Now all of the sudden she's setting the pace and I'm not ready for this. It's not supposed to happen yet.

Then again, I am ready. I am ready to allow her a tighter bond with her father. Our bond is cemented and now it's his turn to strengthen his while I sit back and watch her gain independence and expand her boundaries.

Pros of forcing the issue are the health benefits, obviously. All the information available on breastfeeding stresses 1 year, or more, if you can. The convenience of having her food always ready all the time is huge. I never need to carry anything but myself, a change of clothes and a diaper or two. That's it.

The pros of allowing this change is my own independence. A little bit of me can resurface. Maybe I can start to get more sleep. I'm to the point right now that I can't sleep when I am supposed to. I'm so tired at the end of the day but when I turn in for the night there is no sleep going on. I can't leave her for any length of time. Not that I'm ready to take off for the night but if I want to take S to check out the yard sales on Saturday morning and take her to lunch, I can do so without watching the clock. She could use a little more time with her mom and a little less I'm sorry, but your sister needs me home.

I can't help but feel such a strong emotional pull to continue nursing and get back on track. I am hesitant to let this time pass us by so quickly. I'm just sad, sad, sad.

I don't feel holding her back will work, so I am going to let her wean because I think she's ready and I think deep down so am I, at least on a physical level. She's happier, she's sleeping better and she'll still be healthy regardless of our breastfeeding status. But it's hard on poor mama. My eyelids are heavy from crying. Something I haven't been able to do in months. Not sure why I couldn't ever let the tears flow, I know on many occasion I sure needed a good bawl over the last 6 months, it just wouldn't ever come. Perhaps I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop once I got started, I don't know.

Anyway, that's the news here at the house of the crazy lady. I'm sure I'll get through this with my sanity still in tact. It's just hard saying goodbye. I was the only one available to provide her with such comfort and sustenance and now that time is coming to a close. It's just the beginning of the inevitable whirlwind...your children grow up in what seems like an instant. Before I know it she'll be walking and talking and this time will be a old, but precious memory. :-(