What was I thinking?

Reading the blog of a grieving mother who just lost her newborn baby back in June? I must be absolutely nuts. I'm not freaking out majorly or anything like that. I'm also not the paranoid type that waits for something bad to happen to me. I would like to think that I'm an optimistic with a dash of complainer. Sometimes more one than the other depending on my day. It's just amazingly sad reading about this woman's pain from losing her child. I can't seem to stop dipping into the past 6 months of her life.

Two weeks before the birth of her baby she was feeling much like I am right now, exhausted, irritated, slightly irrational and a tad sick of being pregnant. One entry ended with the comment "How am I going to manage a pre-schooler AND a baby?" My heart broke for her at that moment because I was peeking into her past; there is no baby to juggle. How sad for her that she went through the entire pregnancy and birth just to have her baby die in an ambulance on the way to the nearest NICU after living a brief 7 hours. She wasn't even with her when she died. There wasn't even a reasonable explanation for her death. Something about the umbilical cord being compressed for too long and the baby suffered severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen.

The mom chose a home birth and is a midwife in training. Most women choosing a home birth end up having the experience they dreamed of. Having their beautiful child placed into their arms, breastfeeding the minute the child finds the sustenance and lying comfortably in bed an hour later with their lover and baby between them connecting the love they share for a lifetime. This home birth did not work out that way. It just doesn't seem fair though I know life isn't fair by any stretch of the imagination. There is a circle to life and sometimes that circle is long and prosperous and sometimes that circle is over soon after it began.

I'm sad for her loss and I hope that someday she and her family find peace with their loss. I can't imagine what a void this has left in their hearts. I'm grateful for reading her story. It puts things in perspective right at this moment. I'm learning to enjoy the last few moments of my baby growing inside of me. I'm doing my best to give into the discomforts and sharp jabs to the ribs that take my breath away. It all signifies a gift that has been given to me. A tiny living wonder that I will cherish and love with all of my heart.

Now, if only I could stop having crazy dreams about my own baby being less that perfect....we'll be okay. I know she'll be fine and the chances of something happening are slim. I've just read too much it seems and have added one more thing to the bag of crazy dreams I'm having in these last few weeks of preggoness. Did I happen to mention that it is OCTOBER!!!!!?????!!!!!