Hubby said.....

you didn't tell me that you were having naughty dreams about me. See hon, thing is, that the only time I've been feeling good while you're around is the middle of the night while I'm sleeping. That isn't all that condusive to great sex because I'm already getting it in my dream and don't feel the need to wake up and find out I'm not having sex. Besides......I'm a heavy sleeper. You're the one who does the waking in the middle of the night.....remember??


On a side note, I just have to mention that I actually feel so good that I've been house cleaning. I don't know how long this will last and I may only get through the kitchen and floors but I am just oh so excited to think that the morning sickness phase is coming to a close. Or at least I hope so. I even went for a brisk walk this morning after the kiddies got onto the bus. It was only a mile....but a MILE IS A MILE. I think the fresh air did me some good and that is what kick started the trash taking out and the house cleaning. Hey, right about now, I'll take any energy burst I seem to muster. I hope I'm not turning into a lazy oaf. That's exactly how I've been feeling for nearly three weeks.

I'm 8 weeks prego now. Only 32 more weeks to go.....unless I do scheduled c-section. Maybe if the baby is mature enough they'll take the little one sooner....maybe at 38 or 39 weeks perhaps. If I complain of discomfort and anguish for the four weeks prior, then maybe. As long as the baby is okay to come out. It's all for the baby after all and my body is just a host and I'll gladly do my job. Well, okay, I'll be honest.....not gladly 100% of the time.

Last night the hubby also said he's jealous I get to be pregnant and have special treatment. I told him I'd gladly trade places. He decided he likes beer more. All I have to say is this.......MOST days I'm devoted to the spoiling and doting of this fortunate family and dammit I'm taking my 40 weeks and that's all there is to it. When it's all over I'll be back to the grind plus baby on hip. I deserve it and he'll be some lucky if I don't milk every last drop and then some.

I love you honey. We're best friends, right?

A Reprieve....

I'm not sure what to do with myself this morning since I woke up feeling mildly normal. The all the time sickness has really been getting me down lately and the few minutes I do get a break from it I hardly know what I should engage in.

Food is seen in a totally new light right now. The aversions are tiring. There is no way I can even try to cook meat. Nutritious meals are now put completely on hold. I feel so bad for the hubby, he's had to fend for himself for a couple of weeks and is lucky if I manage one meal a week right now. Truth is, I just can't do it right now. I don't want to neglect his needs but this is what it is right now. I do my best to get S something resembling healthy and nutritious. Then I take on the chore of figuring out what I can/want/will eat without laying me out for the night. Last night it was macaroni with canned tomatoes, butter, salt and pepper. The day before that...potato puffs that I didn't eat and a grilled cheese.....the day before that was a can of spinach. My eating habits are sporadic and strange to say the least and although most choices are healthy they just haven't satisfied my brain with the normal meals I'm accustomed to creating and consuming. Green peppers will have to go for now. I can't even eat a sliver without getting horrible indegestion and indescribable gas pains. It sucks.

Anyway, this is what I'm doing. My entire day consists of trying to feed myself and trying to feel better and trying not to get upset at the kids after school when all they want to do is play. Atop all the sickness I came down with a bad cold which is making me miserable and tired as well.

My dreams are startling. The other night, it was the end of days....literally the end of the world as we know it. Where was I? At my Mother in Law's house and she was STILL bossing me around and shoving her opinion in places it need not be. Go figure.......and last night. I went to spring break with a bunch of people I do not know. I knew them in the dream.....but have absolutely NO idea who those people were. Not even a little bit. I went down one huge ass waterslide, after that we had to avoid being abducted by strange alien type people. That was a little strange too. There are more but they escape me right now. Too funny.....I could make tv.

Holy Mary Mother of God.......talk about reality tv.......televising pregnant women's dreams as they are happening. What a genius idea. If only we could program that shit. I'd watch it......as long as the women were able to ban certain dream topics because I've had more than one sex dream about my husband lately. That first trimester can turn a NUN into a raving slut I tell ya.

Morning sickness my ass.

Holeeeee. That's all I have to say right now. I've been sick for a week straight. It's as if the two little blue lines appearing on the stick that I reluctantly pee'd on gave my body permission to change at the drop of a hat. I'M SO SICK. I can't eat ANYTHING that tastes remotely the same as it did a week ago. The mere thought of meat makes me want to crawl up in a ball and die. My family is wondering what's for dinner and I say, UM........crackers?

I had morning sickness with the first. I remember having a little nausea and food aversions for a little while in the beginning. I don't remember waking up and wanting roll over and stay in bed until the dreaded first 12 weeks are over because getting up meant trying to force down something, anything with more than 5 calories and gulping down the retched prenatal vitamin. I have to eat the food to take the vitamin because taking the vitamin alone makes me sick, if I eat the food to take the vitamin, I'm still sick. I CAN'T WIN.

I love babies and thank the Lord for giving me this wonderful gift. I promise to cherish it with all my heart and soul and raise him/her with all that I have to offer. BUT, PLEASE MAKE THE MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT SICKNESS GO AWAY.

I'll make you an offer, if this sickness means that for the last 5 months of my pregnancy I won't need to get an economy size bottle of tums every week, then I'll gladly trade.

Anyway, this is my life right now. I haven't written because I can't sit in one place for long unless I'm horizontal and NO......it's not because I'm anxiously awaiting to please my man. Right about now he's wishing he wasn't such a fertile stud. If he ever gets laid again without 40 condoms on he'll be a lucky man.

Expansion

in progress over here. I'm having a baby!!! YAY!!!

I hope and pray that you're growing safely and healthily in there little one. Hurry up so Mommy can meet you and kiss your little cheeks and tiny fingers. I love you already.

Time flutterbies.....

Six is the new number now. This is the number of years that have passed since giving birth to my angel. We have gone from stolen, quiet moments a mother has with her newborn baby to wet kisses and big tears, first steps, words, i love you's. Potty training, curly ques and tiny teeth that make the cutest little crunches. Tantrums, hugs and kisses. Bath after bath after bath and now my baby, my sparkling wonder has turned six. No longer the chubby legged and pudgy cheeked little munchkin that I've so feverishly raised for the past six years. She is now a young girl, curious and eager to learn. D-D-D-Dog, dog starts with d, right Mom?

I love this girl. Infinatly, passionatly and whole heartedly love this girl. Every new discovery, every wonderous moment of her life. I bask in her potential and drink in as much of her as I possibly can.

I am petrified that my mothering will not be good enough to give her the roots and wings I so desparately want to bestow upon her. Such a huge responsibility has been placed upon my shoulders.

But....without her.....life would be so black and white. Her presence has brought new colors to into my world, a hope is restored and a new circle has been bonded and bound forever by her sweet little face. I love You My Sweet.

Thank you Daddy, for giving her to me. I am forever in your debt, as you are mine. Together, we have made something great and together we will see this to the end.....I love You Too My Sweet!!

It wasn't so bad.....

turning thirty. I guess when it all comes down to it, the inevitable wrinkles are going to happen, and twenty-nine didn't feel all that much different. I can handle it. Looking back, although I find myself to be extremely insecure, I've handled a lot. We all have our troubles in life. I haven't overcome anything others haven't conquered in their brief thirty years on this earth, but I'd like to think that inspite of it all, I came out victorious. I've done well given my circumstances and culture I came from. Alcoholics and secret predators run rampant throughout my family, those who've come before me have taken years to get through the emotional torment and found a place of happiness, or contentment at least. Those that haven't are living what I'd like to call karma, and appropriately distributed I believe.

I think I've found my path, however sporadic or unstable as my life has been thus far, with all the wrong turns I've made, I'm right where I should be. In the bossom of my family and cherishing in the love we've created. My job is to nourish and care for the seeds I've planted in life and I'm doing that.

Funny thing about the esteem issues I mentioned, as hard as I am on myself, when it comes right down to it I can be proud of who I've become. Have I made my share of blunders and biffed it every now and again? BIG TIME!!! You just can't hold yourself accountable for your entire life. Forgiveness comes so easily when I'm forgiving other people. Forgiving myself could use some focus and attention. I can't hang onto to every bad thing I've allowed myself to do in desparation for acceptance and love. I will always be making new mistakes and will need some room within myself to account for those and correct and fine tune myself along the journey.

So anyway, it wasn't so bad.

The very best part......my heart gave me a necklace that reads, act as if what you do makes a difference. it does.

I'm freaking out

Sunday is my 30th birthday. I've been waiting for this day for the past year. Initially, I believed that turning 30 wouldn't bother me. It's not so much that I'm feeling bad about the new decade approaching, it's just the anticipation of the event that gets ya I think. Being 30 is no different than 29 really. It's just another year and hopefully full of hope and promise.

My twenties are like one big blurry dream. Closely resembling a blackout after a liter of Allen's Coffee Brandy. I left home and joined the Army at 20 years old. I met and married someone before my 22nd birthday, just after turning 24 I had a beautiful daughter. This was a special time for me and quickly passed me by. Before she turned 1 we moved to Pennsylvania, 6 months later we were moving to Maine. Once there, we moved two more times before we were in our first home that was all our own. We lived in this haven for 1 year before deciding to move to New York for my husbands graduate studies. We've been here barely a hair past 1 year and have moved once already since moving here. Luckily this was into our current home, one which I intend on living in at least 4 years. I've never lived in any home this entire decade more than 2 years. No wonder the decade felt so hurried and unstable. Each and every place we journeyed to was by choice, but it sure feels good to let the dust settle on our shoes before up and moving again.

My poor daughter will be traumatized by the time we're finished with all the moving. I know this is not our final destination and already it breaks my heart to think of the strong friendships she'll have. No matter what age you are, each relationship is valuable and important at that time in your life and saying good bye doesn't get easier the more you move and knowing this pain personally makes it even more difficult for me to inflict that loss on her.

Anyway, back to my 30th f'n birthday. I am freaking out and I'm thinking this weekend is going to be a tough one. On a lighter note, I was born on Johnny Cash's birthday, February 26th. I share my birth with the man in bleeping black. So, buck up Ropee, it's go time, put your party dress on and celebrate the rebirth your life is taking at this moment. Embrace your age and relish in all that comes with it, for with every silver hair comes a wisdom you once couldn't fathom. I wouldn't trade this for a million and one winning lottery tickets. Oh well, can't escape it, or cheat the system, might as well just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Gaaa! That's what Ellen say's when she begins her dialogue at the beginning of her show. I find that amusing and can relate to the feeling, release, if you will, that phrase would give someone. Gaaaaa! High pitched, near annoying, but totally funny Gaa!

Lately I feel very Gaa!! I don't know what to think, feel, do or enjoy. I am ready for winter to be over. I need to feel the sun's warmth on my face and sweat dripping from my nose as I'm weeding vegetable and flower gardens.

One thing I love about New York. The longer growing season. You were lucky in Maine to get your garden in by June and harvest to avoid the first frost in September. Here, I can go crazy by the end of April, early May. Harvest depends on weather patterns and what fronts are coming our way, but it's safe to say late October and you will still be reeping rewards of cold weather crops such as spinach and carrots.

I think I just have a large case of the winter blues......that and a minor lack of direction and focus as to what my next adventure will be.

Gaaaaa!!!

Hurry up Spring.

Remembering.....

Monday morning blahs....the girls are home from school today. After much resistance, I mustered enough energy to get busy and get a few things done. I started gathering laundry after a quick shower and was beginning to get into a groove.

One thing bothering me lately is the coat closet near the entry way. Games, crafts, coats, shoes, boots, you name it was crammed into that closet. I won't go into the boring details of it all, however, I did discover a little fanny pack that belongs to S's bike and remembered last spring.

A few months after relocating to New York we started to explore the town and find the fun places for kids to play outside. We were lucky to have a great park close by with playgrouds galore, children's garden area, picnic tables and intimate benches along the water for courting couples and of course moms and daughters. Around this wonderland was a two mile trail that was meant for running, biking, roller blading ect. S had just gotten her new bike on her birthday complete with her very own set of training wheels and a little pouch on the front. A fully equipped machine for any five year old girl with jelly beans and a helmet. She would ride around the park on the trail, jelly beans in pouch and I would walk along beside her. There were quarter mile markers all along the way and stretching stations. We would stop at every other one, sometimes every one and she would stretch and gas up her engine with those jelly beans she got from Easter. Her expressions were priceless as she drew her hands in the air and stretched her little shoulder muscles and legs. A memory worth remembering.

Inside the fanny pack I found inside that closet this morning had a little jellybean tucked away inside. I'm so glad to have these memories.

Significance of a Mommy

I am a stay at home Mother.....my existence is filled with cookie dough, baths, laundry and repairing boo boo's. Oh, there is more to my life than just scrapes and burnt cookies I guess. I also clean, take care of two other children for extra money, participate in events at school etc, etc....

I guess my question of the day is this. Why is it that this particular job makes a woman feel useless? Back in the day women didn't do anything but this. It's a thankless job, with no paid vacations or sick days. There is no start or finish, 7 days a week, work your fingers to the bone, hurry up with dinner already, "wanna do it" kinda job. If I do so much and I'm so valuable to the family why does it feel like I have accomplished nothing and will never be more than a maid doing my families bidding?

I hate the stigma attached to women who sacrifice their chance at a rewarding career to stay at home and raise their families. Is it assumed that our days are filled with soap operas and ice cream. Well.....you know what they say about assuming. Since it's not a glorified occupation a lot of women get lost and often feel like they aren't contributing. When I sit and think on all the things I accomplish in the course of a day I realize and acknowledge exactly what it is that I'm doing. All cleaning buckets and rubber gloves aside, I focus on what is done to ensure that my daugther is raised with values, goals, empathy for others, what it means to sacrifice one's self in order to better someone with less, or more if need be. I will always share my triumphs, my mistakes and all I have inside of me to arm her with the knowledge she needs to find contentment and happiness inspite of the harsh reality life brings to each and every one of us as we step out of the sheltered womb of childhood.

I question myself daily on the significance of my role. I wait to turn 30 and reflect on the woman I've grown into. I wonder what my life purpose is, when I am going to find what it is I need to accomplish, what was meant for me from the beginning. Through this thought process it occured to me. I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Children aren't something we just have because it's what most normal folk do. It's a commitment that we've made and I am doing it the way I think is best. I was given a gift and I'm cherishing her for every moment that it's worth. For every tear I wipe I get 5 smiles that make my heart melt. Everytime I apply a band aide to cut, big or small, I get a hug. Every meal I create I get "you're the best cooker ever!" (ok...not every meal!! hee hee) It may be a thankless job with no materialistic value placed upon it, but it's worth it.....every darn minute. When I think about all she'll accomplish in life I can be happy and know that I played a part in who she is, I molded her and cared for her and so many lives will be touched because of her.

I see myself in her, I see the little girl I was at one time. I wonder if life would have been different for me, where I'd be right now. I will not be one of those women who live their own dreams through their children but I can't help but think she has a fighting chance, a foundation I never had. Her dreams can be the reality I just couldn't/haven't quite grasped. Perhaps my healing will come through this little girl. I can share in her childhood and patch my own scars and let the past remain in the past and relish the present and hope for the future. Live in the moment.

Be My Valentine

What does Valentine mean to me? Certainly not what it meant 15 years ago. I remember the candy, cards, cute little stuffed teddy bears with affectionate love letters written on their tummies. When exactly does the meaning of love change for a person. When do you lose the knowledge you had as a young, bright, teenage wonder? I knew it ALL when I was 15, 16...ect. I was in love with a young man and my world crumbled when we fell apart. Then, in search of the missing link of my childhood, I resorted to an older man for the remaining teenage years. Finally, at the age of 20, a stroke of genius hit me and I moved on. I blew the dust off my wings and chose to fly away from my small town life to find a better home. Less than two years later I was in love yet again (though this time a much better choice) and walking down the isle to marry the man who later would father my child. We met, we blinked, we married. I have no idea who I was at that age, though, at the time had many ideas about who I was and who I'd become. I had no idea who he was at that age, though, I had explored every part of him my brain could comprehend at the time. We've grown up together and still growing as companions taking the same path in hopes we can grow old gracefully and watch our grandchildren give their parents hell.

Valentine's Day now means something very different to me. Every day is my Valentine's Day. I love him as much today as I did yesterday, if not more, and tomorrow I probably will love him just as much again. When I hate him, I still wouldn't be able to picture my life without him or give a moments thought to raising our child without him by my side.

I got so mad I moved my panties out one time....right into our guest bedroom. That was it for me. I was done. The next day I moved my panties back. I don't know why I chose my underwear.....to this day it makes me laugh out loud. Not relevant at all....but even the most loving relationships falter......a year of counseling and many talks later I never moved my panties out or even thought of going that far again.

I don't have butterflies anymore, but I feel empty when he's not here to tuck me in at night.
I don't cry if he wants to do something with someone else besides me, I am happy he has his individuality because I know how much mine means to me.
I don't second guess where I will be in 5 years, I know I won't be alone, whatever we do and wherever we go, it will always be with the other.
I'll never say no to a challenge or be too scared to take a risk as long as he is there with me. I'll even jump first if I have to.

He knows I'm scared of dogs, while walking he will take the side the dog is on for me. Even if the dog is smaller than my foot.

We act really stupid sometimes when we're alone together and laugh at how dumb the other is.

We say I love you more in one day than some do in an entire year.

We are best friends.

I miss the butterflies, but there is so much more to love than butterflies, candy, cards and cute teddy bears.

Waking up to your husband kissing your cheek and tucking you in before he leaves for work even after he's woken up to the same puffy eyes and tricked out hair for nearly a decade is priceless. I can be me.....100% flaws and all me.