Purge.

The weather is definitely changing. I can't recall having an actual summer this year, it's as if we were living in Maine again. But I do welcome fall. Every single year I open my arms and embrace it with every ounce of energy. I had a short run this morning with the sun beating down but a chilly feel in the air that keeps you cool. I wish that autumn could just replace winter. As much as I love the north east, I think I may be better suited for a different climate. I always thought Monterey, California was a good place to live with even temps all year round. Maybe we'll settle there some day. Yeah, right.

Jamie is cleaning up our wood stove today, sealing new gaskets and adding new fire brick to replace the pieces that were falling apart. We still have about 3.5 cord of wood on our front lawn to pile, but what the hell ever. I am in no hurry to do it this year at all. Last year I piled nearly the whole thing by myself - that was with a newborn and breastfeeding. I think I was trying to lose baby fat and that motivated me but it didn't do jack shit for me.

Sydney has been making creative wreaths from the grapevines growing along our fence in the back yard. That girl has some serious talent when it comes to art. I am always in awe of her paintings she brings home from school. A few I have framed and more than a few I have set aside for frames. I just love her interpretations of animals, flowers and random shapes with bright colors. When I take the time to notice, watching her blossom into a young lady is invigorating. What a solid child she is. I did that! We did that together. In my opinion, there's a fine line between teaching your children to be honest, hardworking, productive members of society and completely fucking them up for life. I'm certain I teeter between the two regularly, but so far things are balanced pretty well. I have yet to hit peri-menopause, though I'm very close (I think?)and I will probably do some pretty psychotic things throughout those years of my life. We'll see...I'm pretty screwy hormonally speaking right now. I can't imagine what it will be like then.

Emily is talking, talking, talking. Sometimes she swears a little and I'm okay with that. What's life without a good cuss word. Abby is following suit and picking up words like crazy. They are fun to watch. A year from now they will be spitting out angry sentences in context to each other and I think that's going to be pretty awesome! Emily having someone other than myself to argue and fight with is a blessing. Abby is almost as big as her and she will be able to kick her ass into next week if she gets too out of line and I'll let her.

Nothing new, same old stuff, just a different day and we're all a little older. I am almost to a place where I feel like we might be able to enjoy something other than our kids and a good realty show. One of these days we're going to be able to actually go someplace without them and not worry incessantly about whether or not the babysitter is crying.

Little of this, little of that.

I made oatmeal banana cookies this morning. I love these cookies, all cake like and moist. Like a piece of banana oatmeal bread, only shaped like a cookie. A great pairing with a cup of green tea.

I've been gathering, foraging if you will, for winter. I've cleaned out drawers, filled them with long sleeves, jeans and tights, put the flannel on, made a few soups. Footie pajamas are plentiful and I've even cranked the furnace a morning or two. We are in the process of replacing parts to our stove, changing seals and making sure our wood is packed and ready for the chill. I'm always feverish this time of year. Ever anticipating the coming months.

The holidays are coming! That's always something that cheers my mood. A new countdown; I love countdowns! It always comes so quickly once school begins. We aren't traveling for Christmas this year and I am SO excited. I should really try to do it up big time in the house since we're going to be home. It will seem so magical to the little babies, and Syd too for that matter. I'm really looking forward to staying put. It's been a long time coming.

Speaking of school, Sydney is doing outstanding! That kid just loves her studies and tries her best no matter what. She's already devoured 5 books in just two weeks! We're very proud.

Jamie is less than two months from defending his thesis and will start his post doc here on December 1st! I cannot tell you the burden lifted knowing we will stay a bit longer. I was ready for a change but the money given to someone fresh out of grad school is small potatoes when compared to the cost of living in the areas that prestigious universities are located. Not that he has to have the best, but it makes sense to get a certain pedigree before you branch out on your own merit. He will learn a lot under his new boss. I'm very happy for his transition and the small raise that comes with it. He's very deserving, it's time for our family to arrive.

Still working out. I have to say that my pace was a bit ambitious and I started to feel like it was all work and no play. I'm going back to a routine that suits me and my family best. I'll get where I want to be, just in a happy way, a new way. I told you that I had to watch myself lest I fall down the slippery slope that is obsession. Besides, I got new videos and am very pleased with the outcome. I am so sore today that I'm taking a break and only doing my very low impact, more for fun, fitness class tonight. Important part being the class, I'm getting INVOLVED. Baby steps you guys. I'm a hermit since going through 18 months of pregnancy and 18 months of infancy. I had no business going any damn where with that big belly and breastfeeding in public wasn't my favorite thing. It's been a slow start.

In other news, Emily has found, and is fond of her vaginah. That's all I got to say about that. Though the potty training has been very positive over all! Very happy about the decrease in excrement in our trash bags.

Sydney got UGGS! I'm freaking serious! And jealous. She also shaved her legs for the first time. That's all I've got to say about that.

Abby has gotten down right skinny. Okay, so not skinny, we'll call it just above average vs. borderline obese! Kid had some serious chunk. I'm both happy and sad to see it go. Her clothes are fitting her better and she looks more comfortable climbing, but it means she's not going to be a baby much longer. She's the last of 'em. How fleeting time really is.

So there you have it. A little of this, a little of that.

My quest to fit and healthy.

The past three years have been trying to say the least. When I look at the whole, I have no idea how I made it to where I'm at right now. I could only deal with one itty bitty slice at a time. Back to back pregnancies has swallowed the first quarter of my thirties. Whether I liked it or not, I was on this ride and I was not the driver. I am grateful for my babies but growing and nursing two babies one after the other is a daunting task. When it was all over I was left a gooshy, overweight, overtired and over stimulated mess. It wasn't pretty.

In January I bottomed out. One moment in particular really hit hard. I was going out shopping with Sydney and wearing my kinda fat jeans and my soft mommy tummy was spilling over the top and my once baggy sweater wasn't so roomy anymore. I just wanted to cry I was so miserable. I probably did cry when I got to a quiet place where Sydney couldn't see her mother's anguish over her dilapidated post partum figure.

I needed a change and I knew that it wasn't going to happen on its own. I had to make a commitment to myself to start taking steps to change what was making me unhappy or shut up and get fatter.

One baby step at a time, I started a workout regime. It wasn't easy fitting it in, mostly because my habits and behaviors had to change drastically. I had to discipline myself to keep going, to keep myself from the couch when the opportunity to exercise presented itself and to do it consistently. One 45 minute workout wasn't going to burn the fat from two pregnancies. This was going to require some deeper digging.

For a long time I didn't see the scale budge more than 5 lbs. That was a grueling 5 lbs to lose too, it didn't just melt off me like I had hoped. My portion control was non-existent and I was still snacking on little things throughout the day which is ultimately what was holding me back. Three goldfish here, a sliver of cheese there, oh this one handful of buttery popcorn can't hurt, can it? Think again.

I am constantly feeding children all day long, children who eat 15 tiny meals a day because they need constant fuel to grown and develop. Do you know how hard it is to keep your fingers off their plates? It's not just about the food temptation, it's burned in my brain to keep from wasting it, which if you've ever fed a child you know that they eat maybe 1/3 of the modest portion you gave them. Even today I have all I can do to throw Emily's cereal in the trash or to sacrifice the crusts from their grilled cheese at lunch! I hate throwing it out but I couldn't pretend that the calories didn't count because clearly they did.

I kept at it though, slowly changing little things about each day and didn't give up just because I wasn't seeing major changes, or if I had a bad day/week. I continued even though some days I felt like a failure because I didn't log enough time sweating it out. My knees got sore, my routine was getting old and the winter was long. Boy, was it ever long.

Eventually, I started to feel how firm my legs were getting and that my clothes were fitting differently. My fat jeans fit me now and there was NO SPILLAGE! Jamie was noticing too if you know what I mean. It was little things like that which motivated me and I also began rewarding myself with new clothes or something else I wanted besides food.

There were times when I didn't work as hard as I needed to but 9 months later I'm still workout out. I am down 20 lbs and as strong as I was 10 years ago just before I got pregnant with Sydney. Last week I ran 22 miles and logged 3 hours of video. I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. I find myself excited for the end of the day when Jamie gets home so I can sweat it out. I challenge myself to see what I can accomplish instead of contemplating how little I can do and still log in a workout. My knees don't hurt anymore because they're strong. I'm strong. And I love it!

One aspect of this that has empowered me greatly is that my hard work has motivated others to push themselves. And it's their pushing that helps me continue to push myself as well. We're all pushing hard together and debunking those myths that tell us we're not capable of being fit because it's too hard or too much work. We're surprising ourselves with moments of success and smaller jeans. We're doing it because we are worth the effort, not just to look good but to feel good. We are getting strong and healthy and learning a new way of life - a better way of life.

Working out isn't a quick fix to a fit body. Neither is a diet where you deprive yourself of food your body needs to thrive. It's a lifestyle you have to adopt. A change you have to make permanently and to understand that it happens gradually not immediately.

So this is my story - my journey thus far in getting a piece of myself back. I'm still working hard to get where I want to be and then maybe I'll slow down and do a maintenance schedule. Or maybe I won't because maybe I want to be better than before, maybe I want to run a race or three. Maybe I want to complete a marathon one day. Who knows. I'm not boxing myself in to any commitments but I'm not closing my mind off to possibilities either. So yeah. I'm feeling pretty awesome about that.

Lesson Learned.

Every weekend my family and I take a trip to Target or Evil-mart and buy the necessary items to get us through the week. Things like toilet paper, dish soap, cereal and twelve boxes of Dora fruity snacks. Yes, twelve. This one time we bought 11 and jeezum crow if it didn't ruin an entire Thursday.

I use to think shopping with one child was a challenge. So much so that it took me 6 years to willingly get pregnant with Emily. I remember admiring the abilities of the wife of my husband's boss one day. She had three girls and I was in awe of the way she handled each one so masterfully. I commented on how tough it must be and she modestly said "Oh honey, one baby, three babies, it's all the same." And I just want to go on record and say right here and now that IT IS NOT THE SAME.

I feel like every where we go it's always a major production. This one is running that way and the other this way. One needs to go to the bathroom and we can't find this one. Oh look! There she is, naked by the gumball machines again. We juggle kids like one of those entertainers people hire for their kid's birthday party. You know, the guy who juggles fiery rings and bowling pins like it's no big deal? Only we drop ours.

We weren't prepared for this either. Sydney was a shining example of a toddler and easy to take anywhere. Mother Nature likes to play cruel jokes on people and give them a false sense of good parenting skills, only to nail you in the ass the second go round. And sometimes the third. Which isn't really fair to Abby because she's generally well behaved. That is until you get to the Little Debbie Snacks. She was wrestling with a box of those for 10 minutes one afternoon and every time we tried to go in the opposite direction she began screeching like her name was Emily.

Just imagine my elation today when we get Abby loaded into the cart at Target and Emily decides she wants Daddy to take her inside the mall and Sydney wanted to join her. Luckily, Target is connected to the mall, otherwise we would have had a slight problem. Anywho, I was two children down and in Target with a wallet full of babysitting money. I could hardly contain the excitement, except I did because well, I didn't want to have to repay any favors later if you know what I mean.

My repressed happiness quickly turned into queasiness as I turned the corner and remembered that we were shopping in a college town and last week was orientation. By now all the parents were gone and the college freshmen had their brand new credit cards and allowances burning holes in their pockets. They can't buy beer yet and they don't have any friends that can buy beer yet, so guess where they all were? Yeah. Gold fish and granola bar shopping. The must haves for every diet of a fresh out of the nest almost grown up.

I'm inching through crowded snack aisles trying to stock up for the last week of summer vacation (Yes!) and I come to a dead stop because there are two young ladies with their cart parked at the exit of the aisle and while standing in the middle of the intersection with their butts sticking out to see if someone will go buy them some beer. At this point I'm just standing there kind of, but not really looking at them in hopes that they will move but they don't. So I inch a little closer and throw some Fruit Nuggets into my cart and try to initiate some sort of courtesy act where they get to be like most people and make room for the rest of the world. They clearly can not be bothered.

I do realize that these girls are over privileged, Ivy League princesses and haven't yet learned the rules of living in a world where not everyone kisses their tiny candy asses clad in Seven jeans so I show a little restraint, and it paid off because before you know it one of them rolls her eyes and moves the cart back 4 inches so I could squeeze through. IF I WERE A CONTORTIONIST. The other just stood there in the way with her ass sticking out just in case I had a valid ID. I gave them a slightly sarcastic thank you and went on my way. The kind where you pretend to smile but roll your eyes a little to get your point across.

I know, I'm subtle like that. Just ask Jamie.

I am half way up the next aisle when one declares "That PISSES me OFF!" just loud enough for me to hear. I reply in the same manner "Isn't that too bad" and go about my shopping adventure. Part of me (the 18 year old in me) wanted them to get even more obnoxious and come and chew me out so I could give them a piece of my mind and the grown up part of me knew it wasn't worth my time fishing out any sort of verbal justice. This is who they are right now but one day, one fine, glorious day they will be me and they are going to realize how self absorbed they once were. Or at least we all hope they will.

I have to side with the "they will" because I've thought about the two girls, and all the other newbies I encountered on my Target excursion today and my mind drifted back to my first years outside of my mother's reach. And man, was I ever slapped in the face with a big old fat dose of Karma. I was such an obnoxious little twit who would do anything to get a rise out of someone so I could look big. Except I never really was. Oh, sure, maybe to my friends or the geeks that hung on my every obnoxious word thought that I was hilarious, but I wasn't.

Today I laughed at my ability to see both sides and took comfort in knowing that they will all mature, and some other snotty size 2 will give it back to them one day. What goes around, comes around they say. And I might have made a mental note in hopes that next year I remember to stay away from Target juuuust long enough for the freshman to score some beer.

The final frontier!

Emily is finally taking up potty training. Actually it was sort of forced (I know! Bad Mommy) on her. She wasn't pleased about it, in fact, she threw a few tantrums where she insisted I put a diapee on her NOW.

I didn't.

I am so sick of wiping smeared shit off her ass that I just couldn't bring myself to surrender the Huggie any longer.

As of late, oh who am I kidding. Since birth, I have not felt like I had a lot of control over Emily's milestones. And I realize that life is just that way. Each child is different and takes alternative coaxing strategies to get them to reach these milestones.

With Emily there has been no coaxing. You couldn't give her a bottle; she wouldn't accept care from anyone but me for the longest time. She wouldn't sleep no matter how many different techniques we used to get her to sleep through. When she turned 9 months old I became pregnant and any energy I might have had to tackle the difficult aspects was tapped. She wouldn't even try to develop her language skills. She didn't respond to any real type of discipline and I have been pulling my hair out since day one, and I expect that ritual will continue until forever.

But I had to try.

More than a week has passed since our initial induction into Pantyhood and things are really going well. She doesn't protest anymore in the mornings when it's time to take her night diaper off. She hasn't had a ton of accidents, though there are some. But I expect some. I'm surprised she's not pissing herself accidentally on purpose to be honest with you. She has surprised us all and really flourished and grown throughout this process so far.

Which, I'll admit, didn't come without a few tears and doubts on my end. They don't recommend forcing potty training. All the books and online advice tell you to wait it out and let them decide when they're ready. I figured that I was doomed to change her diaper until Abby was ready to train and then it was a toss up if she would initiate it then or not. I'm glad that I took matters in my own hands now but last week I was really unsure if I was doing the right thing or not.

The one hint that finally convinced me that it was working is that I found her "I've gotta have this thing and I'll do anything to get it" item. Emily likes her some gum. And now I have little chewed up pieces of Trident all over my house and
pee stains on a few of my carpets but I'm going to rent a rug doctor soon anyway. It's worth the headache to be half way out of diapers.

So congratulate me ya'll. I've graduated to only one in diapers. I am so freaking happy to reach this milestone and I will gladly cart her butt to the facilities every 10 minutes if it is a means to an end.

Next thing to go? Binky.

Hopefully sometime before she gets her period.

I got what I wished for.

We're officially staying put for a few more years. Which, as you know, is exactly what I wanted, in that if I can't have what I really want then I don't want anything kind of way. I would rather stay here than move some place I don't want to live, even if that means being incredibly lonely at times.

The funny thing is, I'm kind of bi-polar when it comes to choosing where, because one moment I'm perfectly content in moving to the city near J's family. The next moment, not so much. I have never felt at home there and the only pull I feel is the benefit of babysitters and to instill the importance of extended family in my children. Plus the cheese steaks don't suck. Then the manic part of me suddenly wants to become a vegetarian and move closer to my family for the same, obvious reasons. Only I prefer lobster rolls up there - wait, can vegetarians even eat lobster?

The good part about staying put other than the whole not having to pack up a young, pants shitting (well two of us - I'm not telling which two) family of five, is not having choose where to be. I don't want to pick. I don't want one family to feel like we chose the other instead, even though it has little to do with what we truly want and more to do with where the job offer comes from. Even then it still won't matter to some people (read husband's people). They are relentless and really just want us all to live in one giant Kennedy-ish compound (seriously, this was mentioned). One where I get to mind all the kids and most likely change the Depends of the elderly along with the Huggies of the young.

They've promised there will be wine but I don't trust 'em. Not a single one. Hell, the husband introduced himself as Jamie - so I married him because I loved the way Jamie and Europa looked inside a heart with glitter. TRUE LOVE FOREVER. Five years later his name was Jim. I wouldn't have married a Jim. Jim looks like shit when written with my gold gel pen.

Deception runs in the family, I think.

Even if there is wine they'll probably make sure I wait until 5 pm and limit my consumption to a respectable two glasses because grown ups don't get drunk. And that's when I will frantically grip the bottle of wine and begin running around the compound in my thong yelling "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, YOU FUCKERS!"

And that, my friends, is probably when I'll be moving back to Maine.

My newest secret!

I don't blog much about this part of my life because I'm trying to do it in a healthy way without becoming too obsessed. Which, you know, is really hard considering our thin=beautiful mindset that has been burned into our brain. Have you seen some of those "super" models as of late? Who's that thin and still strong and healthy? Blech! But secretly, deep down in the pit of my stomach I wish I could be that thin and because of that little notion, I have to be diligent about keeping myself in check.

I did that when I was a kid and I know my thirties have suffered the consequences of my bad habits of my youth. I'm not willing to go back to that place now. I can't, I need to have fuel to keep me energized enough to keep up with a family of FIVE! Saying that out loud makes it seem so much more important than it feels on a daily basis. But yeah, my job is big.

Which makes it even more difficult to continue with a healthy lifestyle. It's so much easier to do quick and easy. That crap fuel is so readily available that it makes it hard to remind ourselves the importance of eating good, nutritious food. In my life long quest to find healthier yet tasty things to incorporate onto our table, I found these gorgeous little beauties.

Arnold's Sandwich Thins!!!
(I'm trying to post a pic but am not doing a good job at it so hit the link, k?)

But seriously - these are a best kept secret for sure. So versatile - I use them for sandwiches, burgers, mini pizzas, breakfast sandwiches and more. The best part is they are only 100 calories and made with whole grains, proven with the 5 GRAMS OF FIBER they have. I am insane that I care so much about fiber but I do, I DO!! Fiber is great and we need it in our diets.

That's my life tip from Europa for the um, for the um...time being.

BTW - the pizza I made for lunch today was only about 400 calories. Super easy, super yummy.

I chopped a lg slice of red pepper, onion and garlic - saute in olive oil until onions are translucent.
Add a bundle of roughly shredded and stemmed swiss chard (preferably from my own garden),a
palmful of chopped, fresh basil leaves. Cook until tender.
Add to each slice of bread middle side up 1/4 cup of tomato sauce and a sprinkle (I really mean a sprinkle) of mozz shredded cheese - about 40 cals worth, place atop the cheese a heaping spoon of the swiss chard/basil saute and add another sprinkle of cheese to the top of that.
I added a few pieces of fresh basil to the top of that cheese and baked at 375 until melty with a crispy crust.

I died and went to heaven and then died again. This is vegetarian, vitamin packed and full of fiber and whole grains. All for less than 400 calories. Swear.To.God. And I LOVED it. I felt like I was having a huge lunch and the smaller amount of cheese went a really long way so don't add more thinking you need it because you don't. I will say the chard left a slight, gritty after taste that is normal, but all the other flavors blended so well it made up for that.

I've used these a lot of different ways but the pizza inspired a post out of me. Go and buy these bitches if you're watching your weight but don't want to starve doing so. You won't regret it, I promise.

The secret to Sundays.

Enjoy the little things. Life is full of goodness!

All good things come to an end.

Which, in my opinion, is the really shitty part of life. But in this deep pile of shit there are lessons to be had. Lessons about our hearts, lessons about our weaknesses, and even lessons about our strengths.

I learned of someone's passing yesterday morning on Facebook. Strange, I know, but I will be honest in saying that social networks are my lifeline to the rest of the world. I would be so lonely without them, and I would also have a much cleaner house, but I digress.

Tears started to trickle down my face in disbelief because I live in the world where no one dies and we all get to live happily ever after, my rose colored glasses and I are like peas and carrots, you see. Luckily, the last decade of my life has been free of loss, free of the reality that life is a circle and not an infinite line. I was happy there, but it is not real life. I was painfully reminded of that yesterday.

I surely loved the man that passed, a father of an old friend. A father figure to an entire generation of small town kids. We all flocked to their home, my friends and I, because they were the cool parents that let kids be kids. They gave us their home as a haven to do the things we would have been sneaking off to do anyway. Instead we did it at their house, where they were watching and most definitely keeping an eye out, making sure we had a safe place to find ourselves. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. What a open heart, how extraordinarily generous this was of them to do. Maybe it was so their own kids would be safe under their roof, but whatever the reason I think at the end of the day they cared about all of us more than they meant to. And I am eternally grateful to them for their open door.

I wept for him. I wept for my friend, knowing the daunting task ahead. As one friend put it, he put the sun in the sky for his baby girl, and now she has to lay him to rest. Never to be heard from again on this earth, only memories will keep her safe at night from this day on. My heart broke for her sadness, for her mother's sadness and for the loss of the grandchildren he bounced gleefully on his knee.

And then I started to feel other sadness, the sadness ahead of myself and all of my friends. I felt the heaviness of the years ahead. We will all lose our parents and loved ones near and dear, of that I am certain. I started to get mad and wonder why this has to be a part of life. What is the point of this? What is the point of life at all? Why are we even here........to love so fiercely just to have it taken away? I just don't understand what good comes of this.

I am still not sure. But I know as life progresses, as I move forward with my days, it will all come into focus. There is a pattern to life in general. We all have cycles to live out - some cut short and others too long. I don't understand it, I don't always like it, but darn it all the good stuff is worth it.

I woke up with Abby in my arms this am. I woke up to Emily's laughter (read dramatic cries of injustice!), and Sydney's sleepy saunter into the living room to get her morning dose of toons. I woke up to coffee brewing and the gentle touch of Jamie's arms around me. I am enveloped in love every day I am blessed with a beating heart. Life is so good to me and always gives me what I need and when I need it. I need only to be patient and trust in it.

We do not get to choose when we die, but we do get to choose when we live. I will choose today just like I always do.

RIP James. You touched so many lives without even know it, I imagine. Your angel wings are surely made of gold.

Look who's ONE!

Shine on, Baby. Shine on.

Wow, April has flown by. I am approaching a huge mile stone in a few weeks. Abby is having her first BIRTHDAY!! Can you even imagine a year has gone by already ? I sure can't. What a whirlwind it's been with two in diapers. Emily has been blooming into a naughty. little toddler and Abby's infancy basically slipped through my tired fingers.

All difficulties aside, can I say, in writing, just how freaking adorable my family is? How did this even happen (well, aside from the obvious)? I think back on the last three years and wonder if I was even present? When and who, huh? Who are these children and why are they clinging to my pant leg crying "Mama!'

And three girls. Who gets three girls? I suddenly find myself in a position to work harder, try harder, with no faking my way through it once. I've got to do this three times, I had better pay attention to Sydney. Thank lemons that I have her to help usher me through the thresh hold of premenstrual teens. Can you say O M G? I can't even imagine the payback I am owed. Every time I nag on any issue, I may as well be lecturing my own pre-teen self. The similarities are spooky.

So that's one big day. There are other celebrations ahead of us. In the midst of all the crisis I have in my extended family, my own family is about to achieve a major personal goal. I say family because it involved all of us in small and big ways. We all made changes and sacrifices for Jamie to pursue his doctorate. I am so pleased for him to be reaching the end of that road and start his career. This grueling process is almost behind him and he will soon be able to relax and start to flourish and do what he does best. Think. I am so proud to be his wife and I look forward to watching him fulfill his dreams. He still has a little climbing left to do to establish himself in his field but he's gonna be GREAT!

I do wish that I knew where we were moving but I wouldn't be surprised if we stayed put for a couple more years. It seems like the most logical thing to do at this point. I guess when I know more, which will hopefully be soon, I'll blog. All this excitement! What is a girl to do with it all?

Stay tuned......

Where're we going?

Still.Don't.KNOW!!

I'm starting to get nervous. J is scheduled to graduate in Aug/Sept and still no job. Still no direction. Still no planning to do. More like a waiting. A stand still.

I'm over it. The word between us is try to get a post doc here because moving seems rather overwhelming in light of him writing and defending his thesis, selling a house, and packing a family of FIVE plus cat and dog.

I can't even really think about it in great length or detail lest I get really pissed off that my entire life revolves around SOMEONE ELSE'S DESTINY!! Even if it is my choice to do so. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!

Wishing Well

I'm pulling out any and all karmic favors I may have hovering over me because now is the time. This cancer talk is morbid and scary and makes me want to put my head under the covers and pretend that it isn't happening but reality strikes every time.

His scenario isn't as bleak as originally thought. I had him dead by summer's end. That is a horrible thing to think or say but in the business he's currently in - realistically, but with a whole shit ton of optimism, is the only way to deal with cancer. Doctors and Scientists have made strides in treating cancer and his lucky stars were aligned because he is being treated in Canada.

So...universal health care. You know, a lot of people will talk about how this particular system doesn't work and how people are slipping through cracks - one being my step-father, honestly speaking. I admit, people do fall through the cracks but I would dare say ours are bigger. People in non-emergency situations may not have the best of care but at least they're receiving care. People are refused treatments here if they can't pay for them, even though they're readily available. What's that tell you? My mother would be bankrupt and dead if she had been treated in the U.S., and subjected to our healthcare system. I am not even kidding. Her surgery was performed by a cutting edge surgeon and even then, he had not removed a tumor of that size to date. It would have been considered exploratory here, I imagine, and most likely, not covered.

The prognosis for Brent is looking a lot better, though I think he's having a tough time with the thought of adjusting to the new lifestyle he will need to adopt. The liver cancer is there but might be able to be contained. Apparently they are hoping the radiation/chemo will shrink the size of the cancer, and the specialists in Halifax (where my mom was treated) will have a chance at cutting it out. If they can do that, his liver can re-grow and maybe his chances of survival are a lot higher than we thought, which is great news!!

So I'm standing at the wishing well, throwing in all my pennies and praying that the cancer is treatable. I don't want to see him fade away into nothing before he even turns 50. I don't want this for my mom, who has been having the decade of her life fighting to live. She needs him. We all do. I might not have always felt bonded with my step-father - it's a difficult bond to initiate when you've never had a father. But I love him - for her, if nothing else.

Outcome

My step-father's surgery went well, as expected. They got all of his cancer from his bowel and managed to keep him from having an external waste bag hanging from his side. Thankfully! The kicker is, he has liver cancer, confirmed. They aren't sure the extent his liver has suffered, but less than they had initially thought. Good news is he might die later as opposed to summer. No one is saying this out loud but unless I'm mistaken, he's going to die from this. I don't want to be so matter of fact about it, but the prognosis of most liver cancer patients is not good.

Cancer sucks. I'm in denial and angry about this right now. I'm just not open to this sort of morning right now. Later.

I sound horrible.

Update

Long time no talk in here lately. I attempt posts from time to time but an interruption is always imminent. I'm holding my breath at this moment, wondering when E will need assistance of some kind. Three kids plus three daycare kids equals a lot of effin' kids and I am swamped every afternoon and mornings are well, mornings.

The babies nap on opposite schedules. One would think this was crazy, but no matter combinations I play with, a simultaneous nap is rare lately. It will correct itself eventually, and I'm nearly half way through this sleep deprived era of my life. If I'm being honest, the extra one on one I get with them makes up for never getting much time to myself. As I said, there are a lot of buggers running around here after 2 pm, so they could use some extra mama.

I am in shock that A's first year is nearly over. It's been a whirlwind, to say the very least. Jamie and I have been walking around like freaking zombies anymore it seems. We're always losing an hour here, an hour there. A restful night is more of a tease than anything else, it happens that often. But didn't you hear? Good news!! I'm nearly half way through this era of sleep deprivation!

But I digress.

My extended family, sisters/brother/mom, received some shitty news, if I do say so myself. My step father, the husband of my mom who just endured 5 years fighting cancer, has cancer. Colon and liver. It's not going to be pretty. I guess I'll know more tomorrow after he has 3/4's of his bowel removed and they can get a better look. Chemo for sure, if that's even an option - or worth the effort of getting it. We don't know the actual stage yet, or they aren't sharing with us kids. Either way, we'll know more tomorrow.

I don't understand why this is happening to them. Sometimes life isn't fair, I guess. What other explanation can you even come up with? I'm speechless and I don't know what to expect, but I can read and I've researched enough to know that liver cancer is bad. Very, very bad.

Hasn't my mom lost enough already? When does the shit start rolling down someone else's hill, because frankly? We've had our fill.....not that I want any shit to roll anywhere. I would prefer it just stop.

So that's all I have to say about that. I'm a little angry right now and not sure what to think/feel. I'll post more when I know more.

And now the interruptions begin....so I'm publishing and probably not going to look for errors. So sue me.

Who's that girl.....

I haven't posted pictures of baby A in forever. Time for blogging sort of eludes me lately, when there is time it's not what I'm doing. I do have a cute baby, though.



And she might like cookies.



She likes them a lot actually.



Her smile is adorable....and captivating. We love her.



Did I mention she has the bluest eyes in Texas? I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing it's true.

No focus.

I really have none. I am all over the place with this moving stuff and we still haven't had anything concrete happen. I'm beside myself with stress about our house selling and a job coming together. The move itself will be a nightmare but nothing like the nightmare of not knowing. And to think that I'm the other half of the equation. The stress and pressure that J is feeling must be outfuckingrageous - and it is. To think he has to write and defend his thesis, teach a lab to needy freshman, stroke is crazy boss' ego and work, work, work at the same time he's finding a job and holding his home (and his wife) together so we don't all burst through the seams. It all just seems too crazy to even think about. Most people in our situation aren't toting three kids behind them so the people giving advice really aren't thinking about what we are dealing with as a whole.

I'm freaking out.

Happy New Year!!

Maybe I'm just a dork who messes around on New Year's making cheesy movies of her kids......but I'll own that title all year long.

May 2009 bring us all the joys and wonders of 2008 and more.....Happy Freaking New Year everyone. Happy Freaking New Year.

The last day.

I'm happy for the short visit I had with my uncle last night and this morning. A trip down my way as a favor to the Amish folk in my home town to grab their snow plows built for horse wagons. They are going to put up the trusses on his new house he's building at his pond in return. I love the barter system they've got going on with one another. Makes for a tight community and a more satisfying relationship when it's two sided.

:)

I enjoyed making home made waffles for the girls' breakfast this morning, and a little one on one time with Sydney playing games.
I'm not very good at faking the lose....but I did it anyway.

:)

The Happy does exist here in crazy land.

I am thinking about my inside thoughts a lot lately (and the outside ones, too) and how to put the good out front and let go of the bad before it really makes any kind of impression on my mood/day/week. It's not easy because, admittedly, I stress a lot. As would a lot of people if their days were filled to the brim with shitty diapers. Today? FIVE. Not counting the number of shitty asses I wiped but I'm trying to keep the details to a minimum.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Okay.

Anyway. The point of this post is I'm thinking of changing the way I write in this blog. I want to bring the Happy out and shine the light on it. I think if I start little proclamations of victories and special moments in my day there will be less opportunity for the black to peak through.

Today my happiness is watching Emily's sweet side shine through and the naughty side fade somewhat. She has started to throw less tantrums and begin to respond to short bouts of discipline. She is learning, albeit slowly, to share even when it hurts her little heart to do so. She might even have to sit in a time out chair screaming for two straight minutes, but when she's released from her prison, she moves on. Most of the time.

Progress people, progress.

She has been showing a lot of love lately to her sisters in the form of hugs and hugs and hugs. Occasionally a kiss sneaks in there with it. She has also started to say "I love you, MAMA!".

These are my little victories today.

Short Circuit

That's going to be ME if I have to listen to another day of the whining, whining, whining from the toddler, toddler, toddler. DUDE - SHUT UP ALREADY! I heard you, I know you're mad but for crying out loud would you put a damn cork in it?

You're driving us ALL INSANE!!!!!

Upheaval

Each month flipped over on the calendar, each day that passes by, is one more minute closer to the move. Put all the stress aside of getting a job, selling a house, getting a new home to live in and you suddenly remember this little girl who's whole world is all wrapped up in her third grader self. Her friends. The school play. Mr. E. Times tables. Chorus. The list goes on and on. She's a girl with places to go and people to see and in a few short months we're going to rip the carpet right out from underneath her footing.

I have to ask her to leave her life behind. Her friends. Her school. Her future as she knows isn't really known at all. I have the talks and go all fortune cookie on her...blah, blah, blah. The world is a big place, look at what you're going to gain, not what you'll lose sort of talk. But it doesn't make it better.

She cries. The silent cry where the eyes well up and tears fall down her face but she knows she can't change it so she doesn't make a sound. She just lets the sadness in and cries. I have to continue with the talks and face the heartache and help her through it because she's soft. She's so soft that I have to prepare her gently and let her feel the emotion slowly, months in advance, so that she doesn't seize up with sadness when the time comes to say good bye.

She'll be 9 and she'll have to say good-bye to her other half. Her best friend. The kind of best friend you share a necklace with and tell secrets to. The kind of best friend that you argue with daily because you're cool like that. You can fight and still love each other a few moments later. Like sisters.

I hate to ask this of her. This hurts more than any other good bye I've ever had to say because it's not my hurt. It's hers. And it's not her choice to do this. It's ours. It's a choice that we made before we even came here. Moving was always inevitable, even knowing full well that our little baby's world would change in the process.

I'm not sorry that we made this decision. Jamie's PhD is a big investment in our future and Cornell is a part of that investment. It doesn't change the consequences of our decision though. Her consequences. This move is going to shape her in some small way, for the better I believe, but growth sometimes calls for sacrifice.

Sacrifices I wish she didn't have to make.

I'm sorry, kid. Mama loves you and will hold your hand the whole way.

Promise.

Man, I feel like a woman.

Awwwww Yeah!! I've been fighting the inevitable wean with Abby but slowly starting to come to terms with the limits my body has given me. Apparently, the return of my menses has given my body much to contemplate. She doesn't want conflicting hormones doing the tango week to week and just seized up the old milk supply.

I was devastated.

Now I'm fine.

We're still kinda sorta nursing at night because I'm very lazy at 2 am and she doesn't care. She wants her mother and the physical comfort nursing gives her at night. So technically, we're still nursing. I'm okay with that. The same thing happened with Emily except she just up and quit cold turkey and I was in tears for a week.

Until I took my stash out of the freezer. Then I was listening to the Dead and sneaking out into the garage at night. Miraculously, I was fine after that.

With the dreaded return of aforementioned women's issue, I suddenly feel like I have wings again. I'm ready to swing from the chandelier and get a little jiggy with it.

Jamie say's you can't take a guy out of the desert and give him a gallon of water. WhaaaaaaaT?

I told him he needs to strike while the iron is hot. Lucky for him, he did.

I know that's a little TMI but after two back to back pregnancies I'm pretty stoked to find small parts of myself returning. Abby is still just 6 months and there's a LONG way to go still. But it's looking up and I couldn't be happier.

The best part bar none? I CANNOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN (right Dr. Herzlbetz? RIGHT DR. HERZLBETZ!)!!! Now I only have to read about OTHER people being preggo and shout GLAD THAT'S NOT ME!!

.

Thank You, Mr. President!

For just being you.



YOU FOOL ME!! WE CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN!

Bwahahahahahaha!! Oh MAN!! I love this shit.

Something you didn't know maybe?

I am a Pisces. Pisces is a water sign. And these???



My children's initials. In that order.

The stars sent them to me.

Who wants to see kids?

Only memories remain.

My mom moved out of the trailer I grew up in and into an elderly "community". It's an apartment building for low income elderly and handicapped. Her sister lives in the same building which will make their Skip-Bo and Yahtzee playing all the more accessible.

It is a good thing for her. Rising fuel costs make it next to impossible for her to live off her social security and disability. Plus she won't be alone all the time. I'm grateful that her life will have more in it. Even if I'm not part of that physically.

I miss her so much sometimes. I don't talk about it or let myself go there because it causes me a lot of sadness. It's different when you're raised by your grandmother. I miss the mother she is, I miss the mother I wanted her to be and I miss the mother I need in my life right now. She's a good person and a good mother given her up-bringing and her own relationship with her mother. Tough, strong women. Life experiences have added to that shell. The softness and understanding that I needed as a child and the friend I need as a woman are there but our age differences have kept me from experiencing it firsthand. At least not in the way I would have chosen. But we don't get to choose. We just get to love.

This is the next step in her life. It's her right to move on and let age take it's course. But it hurts a little to see the changes. It sucks to be so far away. I'm not able to identify a new home with her or find where I fit in. It's unnatural to watch your mother slip away from old age when you're just barely coming into your own.

Eventually I will accept that my kids will not go to grandma's house for Thanksgiving or help her make donuts at the kitchen table. They won't spend the night or eat one of her popcorn balls. All that's left of that home are memories. I'll just have to share those instead.

There are no words.

I'm not talking about the election, though a momentous occasion for us all to witness, it's not where words escape me. I've got lots to say about how proud I am that we let our voices be heard, just not today.

Today I'm talking about Emily. My baby girl, born just two years ago this week. I intended on a nice long letter proclaiming my adoration for this child. But there are no words.

I'm incapable of penning just how big my heart has become since she entered my life. How incredibly big it has to be because sometimes it's just.so.hard. being her mother. How it's bursting at the seems because of her precious dimple and naughty little grin. And how it's overflowing with gratefulness that I get to witness this child's life blossom.


I love her. So much so that it hurts sometimes and not even because she's kicking me in the shin. It's like a tender ache that never really goes away. I love her when she hurts me, I love her when she pleases me and I love, love, love her when she's being her whimsical, vibrant self. She never ceases to amaze me at every corner.

She came out screaming and has since continued. She has a lot to say. A lot of passion. A lot of thoughts and needs she wants to express. It is at the top of her lungs that she informs you she's happy, or mad, or sad. It's all announced at a ten. Never a two, or even half way at five. It's *always* ten. And I couldn't be any happier or more exasperated at the same time to experience this tiny child proclaiming herself to the world with such intensity.

She is going places, that one. And if you're lucky, she just might take you with her.

On terrorism.

From Wikipedia

"Terrorism is the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion. Most common definitions of terrorism include only those acts which are intended to create fear (terror), are perpetrated for an ideological goal (as opposed to a lone attack), and deliberately target or disregard the safety of non-combatants. Some definitions also include acts of unlawful violence and war."

Why then, Sarah, is it not considered "terrorism", if those particular terror seekers are bombing say, an abortion clinic.

Oh, right. They support your agenda.



Just checkin'. *wink*

The low down.

*sigh*

Writing about the mundane, the daily grind, if you will, becomes rather stale after a couple of years. I've been at a loss for words, or rather, a loss of time for words. I even thought I might delete the blog all together because I just don't have time and all I seem to ever do is complain anyway. It's depressing that all I have to write about is the plight of motherhood. But that is the stuff that needs to be purged and left behind on a piece of paper, or a small byte in the internet universe.

I don't want this blech lurking on my sleeves; I want it gone. I want to write it out of my mind so I can move on to happier things. Like E's much anticipated entrance into the world of speech. Or A's delightful squeals as she scampers through the house in her walker. There's always the budding relationship between mother and tween daughter to nurture and admire. Those are the things that keep me here and not at some desk typing numbers.

I will keep my blog. Just pardon all the heavy banter. Forgive me of my reluctance to write anything at all. Know that I am here in spirit but the body is off changing a shitty diaper. Like three a day. And that's a slow day.

As far as the lately is concerned. Things have been crazy. Someone has been sick in our house for the past 7 weeks. For the first 4 or so it was DH. The last three it was the babies and me. E had pneumonia and A was teetering too close if you ask me. I got the cold and with that came a nasty ear and sinus infection. We are all starting to come out of the funk but it has been a long couple of months. A depressing couple of months.

A big problem that occurred as a result of all this was the sudden drop in milk supply. Ugh! A was suffering and was taking bottles; I thought it was going to be the end of our time together. Luckily I have been able to get back on track. But I'm not sure how long it will last. This seems to be a problem of mine after 4 or 5 months. I'm going to try and continue as long as we can. I really want to bf longer this time. It feels so important to me. I'm putting a few things on the back burner to help make it possible. One being the constant struggle to kick start my weight loss.

I'm so sick of dealing with the yo yo and decided to take it easy and let my body feed my baby first. I have the rest of my life to get strong and loose the baby weight. First things first, KWIM? I just can't concentrate on one without adding the stress to the other and it's worth it to stay a size whatever I am if it means that A and I get to nurse for as long as we want.

Other than that the world seems rather dull. It has been so consumed with sickness and Dr. visits (5 in one week), antibiotics and Mother's Milk Tea that I'm about to barf my fenugreek all over the floor. This weekend I'm going to take a breather and carve me a kick ass pumpkin with my kids. Or maybe it will just be three triangles and a mouth with a couple of teeth. But maybe well get crazy up in here and make circles instead of triangles. Or *gasp*squares..

Just another crazy Friday night at my house.

Europa is a very rare female first name

Very few female first names in the US are Europa

Be proud of your unique first name!

source: namestatistics.com

Sydney is the #1011 most common female first name

0.008% of females in the US are named Sydney.

Around 9800 US females are named Sydney!

source: namestatistics.com

Emily is the #99 most common female first name

0.208% of females in the US are named Emily.

Around 254800 US females are named Emily!

source: namestatistics.com

(they ain't got nothin' on mine though)

Abigail is the #520 most common female first name

0.025% of females in the US are named Abigail.

Around 30625 US females are named Abigail!

source: namestatistics.com

I'm curious to see what #1 is. Hmmmm....let's see....

Elizabeth is the #5 most common female first name

0.937% of females in the US are named Elizabeth.

Around 1147825 US females are named Elizabeth!

source: namestatistics.com

and coincidentally is Abby's middle name.

Close, but no cigar. I also got #8 with Susan, Julie was 52, Sarah 23, Nancy 12....now I'm tired of guessing names.

NEXT.


So maybe I searched just one more name. And VOILA

James is the #1 most common male first name

3.318% of males in the US are named James.

Around 4064550 US males are named James!

source: namestatistics.com

So I win.

Overwhelmed?

Are you kidding me? Overwhelmed, over stressed, over worked, under appreciated, sleep deprived are just a few words that describe most mothers. If you can't admit to any or all of these than you can add one more descriptor to your profile.

In denial.

Life happens and it can be so difficult with the pressures of reaching perfection and keeping up with the over achievers that we forget about the important things. Even more challenging is admitting to yourself when you just can't do it all.

Oprah's topic on her Wednesday's show was about exactly that. America's mothers are under an extreme amount of pressure to exceed in all aspects of life. Having the perfect career, being the perfect mother, being the best cook, the best wife, the Mrs. fix-it all and look good while doing it. This type of standard is insane to live up to. And I'm pissed about it.

What's the price for aiming too high? The woman who appeared on Oprah paid the price of her daughter's life. I can't even imagine or put myself in that place, but you know what? A time or two that could be me. Life is distracting. There is so much to do and so little time to do it all that sometimes your priorities slip a little bit. This kid has a poopy diaper and the door isn't locked and the curious one ends up on your front lawn, just feet away from a busy road before you scoop her up in your arms. Or you gently lift your baby out of her bath tub and by request you leave the water there for your oldest to play in and the toddler ends up in it face first. And she can't get out. And she can't breath and the only reason she is still around is because her sister was there to help her out.

I'm not even kidding. Both of these have happened to me.

My first reaction two years ago to someone losing their kid to negligence was a harsh judgement. What horrible parent would put their child in danger. My tune has since changed.

No parent wants that to be the one. No parent wants to be so busy they forget their baby is in the car but it happens.

The funny thing about the show for me was that I had a similar mental conversation with myself that morning. I was wondering how people do it. How do people create the perfect world and hold it all together while the souffle is in the oven? When does the souffle fall? Am I so inept at being a mother?

I have all I can handle at the moment with a household of three children, a husband working on his doctorate and a small daycare business on the side to make ends meet. And I have to tell you, it's tough. It is hard to keep the house clean, the laundry done, the dinners cooked and the husband satisfied all the while raising three kids. Two of whom are under two, another with nightly homework duties and a whole set of her own needs to be met. Add three more kids for daycare every afternoon and it's nothing short of exhausting. There really isn't time left for the extra's all the time.

There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. Slow your roll a little bit mom because you're making the rest of us look like shit. Set some priorities. Say no once in a while. Go see a movie and eat buttered popcorn. Sit down and braid your daughters hair. That expense report will be there when you're done. That laundry will wait until able hands are ready to fold it.

Then maybe there will be less mistakes. Then our overwhelmed will be content. Then our over worked will be rested. Then our stress will become ease. And maybe then life can start to take on a different description.

Happy.

Isn't that what we're all trying so hard to accomplish anyway?

Just another day in the life of The Great Pumpkin

The Great Pumpkin is a big fat jerk. Sure, she may have created the awesomely wonderful pictures to your left and for that the children of the world are grateful. However, Oh Great Pumpkin, you are indeed now dubbed as a failure for slacking off when it comes to the children saying "Thank-You".

I'm not really sure how you could let this sort of thing slide Great Pumpkin. How could you let the children down? Don't you even think about the children? Because this morning the children were pissed that you could just ignore the creative prowess of these 8 year old girls who were clearly begging for just one more visit. If you could've only come more time they would be the happiest third graders on earth. I mean....didn't you see the effort!! The LOVE!!! THE HOPE in their hearts????









Take a good look Great Pumpkin. NO! YOU LOOK AT IT! See the tear stains? The tear stains that dripped from the weeping eyes of overly dramatic almost pre-teen princesses? You should be ashamed. Very, very ashamed.








Ahem.

Now you hear this you greedy little blood sucking leaches. You've bled The Great Pumpkin dry. You couldn't just be happy with your notes and your pictures. Oh, NOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO. You want to take every second of The Great Pumpkin's time and exhaust every tiny little morsel of "extra" that's left of The Great Pumpkin, which isn't a lot. Did you know that The Great Pumpkin had two babies in less that two years? Cuz she did. And she's tired and has barely enough time in her day to pluck what was once two separate eye brows. Now you take your little tear stained thank you notes and shove 'em where the sun doesn't shine. Got it?

Ahem.

Regrettably, The Great Pumpkin was eating milk and cookies while watching Criminal Minds and wasn't aware of the awaiting thank you notes.

She say's she's sorry.

What happens when mama is bored?

I stumbled upon a song as I watched over the slumbering author. She does this, you know. She's my writer, mostly songs, but other stuff too. I wasn't really doing much of anything. In fact I was down right bored since the husband was otherwise occupied with the dummy box television so I was looking for something to do.

Upon seeing that song, along with her colored pencils lying near by, an idea erupted and I decided to draw her a picture. The song was about Halloween so I thought it fitting to draw her a pumpkin and maybe a bat or something along those lines. Once the wheels start to turn I decided that this picture was going to be from The Great Pumpkin.

Pardon me parents for unthinkingly creating yet one more fictitious character to keep up with. As if the Tooth Fairy and Santa weren't busy enough, I had to go and add The Great friggen Pumpkin. Which, you know, would be fine if I didn't do daycare for other kids because instead of marveling at the wonder of The Great Pumpkin, they were pissed The Great Pumpkin didn't come and draw them a picture as well.

Stupid, stupid imagination. I will never use you again!!!

While waiting for the bus, the child that could write decided to leave a little note for The Great Pumpkin on my driveway in chalk.

"Oh Great Pumpkin, please, please, please will you come to road 99 Briggs Hill Road."

In response, "I don't get to dirt roads, sorry. Love, The Great Pumpkin."

But The Great Pumpkin forgot who she was writing her note to because this particular child does not take no for an answer. Fair is fair and The Great Pumpkin will answer to her for her negligence in not coming to HER house

A letter followed.

"Dear Great Pumpkin,
Dirt roads are not the only roads that get your car dirty. Paved roads also get your car dirty. And the only time your car gets really, really dirty is when it rains. Do you have a bat side-kick? Love, Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer. P.S. Do girls draw better than boys? "

By this time The Great Pumpkin had already communicated to the Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer's mother and informed her that The Great Pumpkin might want to draw her Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer a picture. But this said child was going to leave her letter here to be sure The Great Pumpkin received it. So The Great Pumpkin told said child's mother that she was off the hook. The true Great Pumpkin would create fairness for other believers of The Great Pumpkin since her imagination got us into this mess in the first place.

And so The Great Pumpkin writes....

"Dear Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer -
It is not the dirt that bothers me, it is the rocks that bruise my pretty pumpkin shell. Don't be sad, I am happy to draw you a picture and leave it here.......Love, The Great Pumpkin"

and so she did draw that picture and the Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer was happy again. The Great Pumpkin learned her lesson and will never, under any circumstances, create another fictional character for her children. At least not as long as she is doing daycare.

The end.

Why not?

Nothing better to do since I'm totally ignoring the chaos in the next room because I would need duct tape. I'm not even kidding.

So I'm taking her lead and posting my inner princess.....


You Are Pocahantas!

Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Now that you mention it, I do touch a lot of people. Don't go all tattle tale on me and mention this to my husband. Also, I do have some serious wisdom going on. And I'm a free-spirit from way back. So there you have it. I'm channeling some Pocahantas action.

I totally knew I would be her.

See? I'm am wise.

Told ya.

I just dare you....

to make fun of me and the insanity. Furthermore, I dare you to join me and show the internets your silliest moment you can muster. That is, if you have the hairy balls to do so.

Mine was inspired while glimpsing at myself in the mirror after 15 rewinds of the same episode of Barney. I was singing this little number repeatedly and didn't even realize it until I saw the reflection.

Why am I subjecting myself to such ridicule and shame? I don't have any farking idea. All I know is that I laughed myself to tears after watching this. I then thought to myself what a travesty it would be to keep this gem hiding in the closet.

Also I want reassurance from others that I have not lost my mind.



And if you want to know who does my hair just ask me. K?

Sweetness

My middle child has taking a definite liking to her baby sister finally. I'm happy to be present to witness the love bonds that are tying them together. And so begins the love/hate relationship that will forever be Emily and Abby.

She pronounces her name better than any other with a slight toddler twang that is so cute I never tire from hearing it. She is forever on bink patrol making sure A (or herself) is never without their precious. And she gives her the most adorable raspberries in the bathtub. Actually they sound like the worst case of nasty diarrhea farts I've ever heard and if I weren't watching her do it I'd be checking J's pants.

Did I just say diarrhea farts? Ew.

They are officially sharing a room for half the night and E refuses to go to bed without her. The babe has been waking to nurse at 2am. Since I'm both tired and lazy, I've decided that she can sleep by me after that and just nurse whenever she can find the source. Which is a lot because her fat rolls have fat rolls. And those fat rolls have fat rolls. What can I say...the kid likes to eat. And I think my breast milk is more like heavy cream instead of whole milk. J is now taking it in his coffee. The perv.

All kidding aside. This relationship that is forming is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Of course S loves her sisters but toddler love is different that tween love. Tween love is more like tween tolerance, while toddler love is the deepest, most trusting love of all loves. Watching it develop makes my heart melt like buttah on freshly popped corn.

I feel so privileged to be such a close part of this exhibit. In fact, I'm more like right in the middle of it all. The axis they revolve around. It's pretty darn amazing.

When you can't do it fair and square...

then there's always the old stand-by of stealing the election.

Worked for Georgie....why not John?

I think I'm gonna puke.

If you don't hold it against me...

that I might not have made my bed on this particular day (I really do make it most days, promise), I will share a video of Miss E with you. She's a Wiggles lover that one and dances to some of the songs........so without further ado.....

I give you Emily.....(and a brief cameo appearance from Sadie the psychotic doggie)

Busy little bee.

I like projects and fortunately for us the house we bought has had plenty over the past three years and still more to come! We're lucky that way. Always something to look forward to, something to plan, something to discuss. If there's one thing my sweetums and I like to do, it's discuss the future and all its possibilities.

Two weekends ago we decided it was finally time to rid the house of its last remaining wall paper. Hence Project Laundry Room. I have to admit that after the first weekend of scraping, followed by the week of scraping, washing off glue and patching up all the wall's boo boos we were ready for primer and paint. Not a large room but a lot of bending and reaching. I have to say that my post two babies body tires rather easily. The muscle strength I once boasted in the Army is not what it used to be. But I digress.

The painting went quickly. He primed, I cut it, I painted and he cut in. We bought a cabinet unit to hang above the washer and dryer and bought a larger desk to better accommodate our needs and voila. Project Laundry Room is complete.

It tired my ass out though. All that work in the mornings plus the babies wanting, needing, wanting, SCREAMING kept me on the move constantly. And then the afternoon arrives with its middle finger in my face along with four other kids to drive me insane brighten my day. The house goes from serene toddler and baby life to SIX EFFING KIDS. No further explanation needed.

At least my house doesn't have anymore wall paper.



(And yes, the entire house had wall paper equally as ugly. And green carpets.)

Real quick...

can I just tell you how much I LOVE Whoopi Goldberg on The View?

Love her. I just do.

Huh?

A conversation threw me a while back when I was visiting Maine. It wasn't me starting this conversation to fuel the moral fire. I purposely choose to keep my personal beliefs to myself. It's not that it isn't understood; I am definitely a liberal thinker and am proud of it. Everyone close to me knows where I stand. I just don't want to fight with the people I love so I just shut up.

Which is why I was surprised when the comment was made that my nephews need to be more tolerant of gay people. I agree, but I also understand that most adolescent boys are going to shy away from any sort of acceptance on this issue out of fear more than any other reason. Fear that people might think they're gay, fear that maybe they really are gay even. So I said..."boys will be boys." It's a normal behavior. Would I try to teach my child differently? Of course.

Then the real kicker comes in. And why this question was posed I do not know, because we were all in agreement that they should learn tolerance.

"Do you think gay people should be allowed to adopt a child?"

There were three people sitting around that fire, two said no. The two people who sat there and agreed that tolerance is acceptable. BUT...they draw the line at tolerance.

I get frustrated with this response though it wasn't exactly a big shocker. One, because I find that double standard offensive and ridiculous (typical of their political affiliation though) but mostly because I know that homosexuals are loving, caring and nurturing individuals just like you and I are. (I hate adding a label to their preference as human beings but I don't know how to get around it. Otherwise I would.)

So I begin to explain why I feel differently by saying just that. What's wrong with two people who love each other raising a child? Which is better in your eyes? A heterosexual couple who neglect and abuse their child or a gay couple that can offer that very same child wonderful life? With all the unwanted children in the world you think we should limit the type of couple that gets to love them? I'm sure if given the choice, the child wouldn't mind if they had two mommies or two daddies to read stories at night,to show them how to fix a broken fence or make a delicious meal. But most importantly, have a family.

"Well they are going to impress upon them their sexual deviance and make even more gay people."

OMG, not more GAY PEOPLE!!!!

Did we not just use the word TOLERANCE???????

Do people really think this stuff? Really? Because that is just ignorance at its best. (If you're one of these people....I tolerate you, we all have rights to our own opinions, even if they're wrong different than my own.)

Think about it for a minute, if you will. You go through life with everyone telling you what's "normal". Only what you feel inside and who you really are doesn't fit inside this "All American Ideal". It sometimes will take this person years to admit to themselves what they're feeling to be their true self and even longer to admit to loved ones. Why then, would that person raise a child to believe they need to be one way and fit in their ideal or else. It just doesn't make sense. If any family would be loving and tolerant of their children and embrace who they are REGARDLESS, it would be a family with two parents of the same sex.

A good parent is a good parent is a good parent. No matter what way you spin it, the child is raised with people who love him/her. What makes gay parents love their children any less than we love our own? Nothing. In fact, I would bet that if you were to take a look at a few statistics their homes would fair better than a lot of your typical mom/dad families that we have accustomed ourselves to.

Conservatives have coined this particular phrase....but I think it fits well here and in many other situations as well.

I think they call it....."A Right to Life"

As long as they're not gay, right?

Perspective

Sometimes you have to step back and look at the whole picture. You have to really look at the heart of the matter and slowly inspect each and every vein, artery and vessel connected to that heart. Upon looking at all those pathways and the journey as a whole you begin to think of your goals on a grander scale. Not just what I want for myself right now but what's best for the long haul for all parties involved.

I came to an abrupt conclusion yesterday while driving home from a short trip to my sister in-law's wedding that my train of thought has been narrow minded. And that weddings totally make me want to shag my husband rotten. Jjust sayin'. However, that wasn't necessarily the epiphany. I've long ago learned that weddings git me loins a stirrin' and often look to crash them whenever possible just to get wedding sex. And don't even try to say it doesn't get your engine going. A girl is a girl is a girl. And girls love weddings.

Anyway.

We were having our regular discussion about the up and coming move. I have always said J should apply for whatever jobs that look promising from Pennsylvania to Maine, but what I really meant was to apply for all those jobs but take the job in Maine. Mostly because I know that the right job there would be fine and I wanted to be close to home. I wouldn't ask for him to take any old job with a dead end; I want more for him than that. My request was to settle there if and only if a job with possibility presented itself regardless of other job offers that may arise. Of course there is always the unspoken exception of that one job anyone could ever possibly want, that paid a salary of ohmyfuckinggodineedtogoshopping.

We have discussed the pros of moving to Maine and know that we would be happy there. We have always accepted that salary would be less but the good outweighed the bad. But honestly, by how much? I love Maine. I love the people there and the simplicity of things and the bright stars yet to be covered by the blanket of tainted air but a voice I have shoved aside time and time again was shouting at me loud and clear yesterday.

"Why are you being so CLOSED MINDED???"

Oh because I want my cozy comforter back dammit!! And I want it back NOW!!

Then the big picture came to mind, or at least a clearer, broader picture that I had been ignoring or only taking small peaks of because I was afraid of what it had to offer. It didn't fit my ideal so I pushed it aside and deemed it not for me. But a voice was always whispering and discussions would take place. We would both quickly dismiss it and conclude that Maine was the obvious choice.

Yesterday, the picture had choices. It had a different places in mind. Places with jobs, jobs and more jobs for J to choose from, schools for me to peruse and perhaps a degree would come about. Great schools for my girls to get a quality education. Colleges close by that would potentially keep them near and dear for years to come (isn't that what we all really want in the end?)

And family.

Not the family I long to be near but family that I love and most importantly, family that loves us. Especially my girls. When I reluctantly take the blinders off and let the full picture come into focus I admit to myself that they love me and accept me in all my county glory. Perhaps long ago they secretly hoped for something different but I believe they have grown to love the girl J chose to share his life with. Me. The never overly flashy, not always so well spoken, sometimes even takes a pee in the woods me. And ALL of my flannel too.

So I'm opening a door a little bit wider and welcoming what life is going to offer us. Because deep down I know I don't have a choice, there are doors that will open and doors that will close. It's best I walk through the open doors and stop knocking on the closed ones. I cannot stop our future from happening but I can look at it with open eyes and enjoy what good things are about to come our way.

And if I do happen to end up where our other family resides....at least I'll have a friend there.