Like I promised...

I had a great weekend!!

It began with a suspiciously quiet sleepover, three hours of Zumba and a productive Saturday afternoon. Followed by a great party with girlfriends, food and drinks that did not get out of control. So that means I was home and in bed very sober and adequately tired. Sunday I woke up feeling rested and ready for a good day.

We had a great Sunday lunch of venison roast, mashed potato and green salad. So yummy with a slightly rich indulgence. Venison is great but takes a little getting used to. The roasts are amazing when you cook them for 6-8 hours. Fall off the bone and moist with juices. Friggen amazing.

And as promised, I successfully made a beautiful, and hopefully delicious, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting for Jim's co-workers. I'll get the scoop on flavor once they've all devoured my beautiful creation but something tells me it's going to be amazing. I'm jealous they get to eat it. I did make a second batch of carrot muffins and had left over icing for them. Also damn good and helped numb the pain of making a cake I will not taste. I need to know how good it is dammit.

Emily was down for the count practically all weekend with a fever and sore throat. She is improving so I opted to not take her into the doctor this morning. No fever, but slight sore throat with her cough still. I think she's on the mend. Hopefully the rest of us avoid getting it. I've been nervous about that the last couple days.

I watched Bridesmaids and My Big Fat Greek Wedding in bed this weekend. Jim and I relaxed and kept the house feeling nice and easy. I love weekends like that. It was so nice to be together and veg around like a bunch of lazies. It's really quite special how content we can be together. I love just cuddling and being quiet on a Sunday.

Thursday, Jim is driving the girls to meet his family for a weekend of tubing and skiing. I'm hanging back here and working until Saturday morning, then I'll drive down and spend the last night with them. Jim and I want to hit the hill alone Saturday night if they'll all be willing to help out with the kids. Here's hoping...a nice pre-anniversary date. It's not like we ever get to ask anyone for help with the kids but every other blue moon, I think we deserve it and hope to get some alone time. I have never been skiing before, it would be romantic to have him give me a bunny hill lesson. I wonder how they'll all deal with the mental stress of me not being around for three days to help with my little baby daughters, though. I think they'll be so busy and be having so much fun that when the down time at night begins, they will want to crash and rest up. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that.

Well that's about all I feel like talking about at the moment. I'll check in again this week sometime and ramble on about nothing, I'm sure of it.

Happy Monday people.

Finally Friday

Another week coming to a close. I just have to get through a three hour block of Zumba in the morning and then I can relax for a few days.

I am with a heavy heart today, the lack of sunshine brings me gloominess of the mind along with the dreary days. What's new with that you ask? I am quite the moody creature, I agree. And my body is worn out from all the exercise I'm putting it through. I'd like to take a long afternoon nap but the three little girls squabbling in my living room will not afford an afternoon of rest. Ah well....it's FRIDAY!

Tomorrow night I'm sure I'll be feeling a little higher since I'm invited to a Thirty-One party and a girls evening following. I love time spent with the girlfriends and getting out of my husband's hair. He loves it too I'm sure.

Speaking of....little asshole asked me to make his friend a birthday cake for an office party on Monday. So I guess I'm making a damn cake Sunday. But I love that man and would pretty much do anything he asked me to do. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, 14 years behind us already.

The dog laid a dump right on the rug by the front door this morning. It wasn't discovered until said door was opened and closed a few times. Several shoe and door smears later, I find it through the entire fucking house. Heavy heart? I have a hard time finding the positive in such karmic crap finding it's way to my doorstep. Literally.

Emily made it through half a day of school then vomited.

The awesome just won't quit today.

Sydney's dance is tonight and I'm going to try and stay nice and normal for her two friends who are staying over. Shouldn't be hard since I have to be out of the house at 8:30 am for Zumba and Dear Old Dad will be making the obligatory bacon and eggs. I'm glad that Sydney is a confident and content almost 12 year old girl though, the fact that she loves having friends over means she is happy in her home and her life. THERE!! I found the positive :D

Pat me on the back why don't you.

Have a good weekend. I'm going to.

OMG OMG....

A cleaning genius I am not...but let me tell you who is! Man, that girl can write. If you are here reading this, then you should definitely be reading that! Check her out...all of her musing are hilarious, gut wrenching and easily related to.

Emily is home sick today and I am finally feeling the urge to clean up the homestead for the first time in what feels like forever. I clean it all the time but if you asked me if I felt like doing it, I'd slap you in the face with my swiffer duster.

The babe is starting to feel a little better now but this morning at 6:00 am she was slightly pathetic and adorable. She's prone to vomiting when her tummy's upset and it turns her into the sweetest, most helpless little mite you ever saw. I know this is wrong on all sorts of levels, but I like when she gets a little stomach bug every blue moon or so.

Abigail is loving the company of her big sister and has been almost concerned about her this morning. Awwww...such sweet sisters. It's nice having them together like this again, it happens less and less as they get older. They both were doing school work at the kitchen counter while I scrubbed and bleached my floor this morn and it melted my heart watching them cut, glue and color side by side. Love those babies.

Sydney has a dance tomorrow night and is having a two friend sleep over afterward. She is changing and growing up so fast these days. Her cell phone at the ready, lip gloss in hand, she flips her curly locks and rolls her eyes at my Zumba antics and wouldn't be caught dead in one of my Zumba classes these days. Until her friends decide it's cool again and they all flock to the back row. Ahhhh...pre-teenage anst. Tweendom at it's peak....her 12th birthday is in about 6 weeks. And just like that she's not my baby anymore. She sure is a pretty little thing.

Zumba is rocking these days. I love averaging 20 peeps in class, the energy and the paycheck are so much better when I have a full(er) house. One Thursday night I had 30 people dancing with me. LOVE IT! I can only imagine what it must be like in a huge venue with 60 or 70 women rocking out to Pitbull and hanging on your every move. Such a rush. This was by far the best step I've taken that had nothing to do with my family and everything to do with me. It's been a lifesaver and a blessing. Mad props to Zumba for making this accessible to the average person. It's a lot of work to keep this class current and fun but it's worth it in so many different ways. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Anyway, that's my Thursday morning thoughts in a nutshell. Catch ya next time.

Yo mama she get Krazy!

What a weekend! My buddy came to visit with her FOUR kids and stayed over two nights with my krazy krew. We had a great visit but man am I tired! Saturday morning I had to teach an adult Zumba class but the second and third classes are ZumbAtomic, which is the kids version of Zumba. No sexy songs, or gyrating hips, just goofy dancing to music they may or may not have heard before. The kids all had a blast and I loved having them in class. The afternoon was as chill as one can get with 8 kids (our 7 plus a stray!). We got a little snow so they were able to bundle up and slide in the back yard for a little while. They left this morning and I was both sad and happy to see them go. It's work entertaining a big crew like that but the company was nice and seeing my bestie was even better.

The man of the house helped me clean up this morning then we all got ready for a trip to the mall and then some Target shopping. Both were great. I treated Sydney and I to manicures and the girls went to a play place that has a drop off option which we LOVE on occasion. The two littles played for an hour while we just did our own thing. LOVE family time like that. We walked around, drank a soda, visited the poor pet shop puppies and other animals and we came home. It was great and a nice way to end the weekend.

No hangovers. Thankful for that - the depression that ensues a big fat binge (there is no sugar coating allowed here) is absolutely crippling for me. I take a week to mentally recover and I don't like feeling like such a douche so yay for fresh weekends that don't involve too much booze. I'm nearly 36 years old for crying out loud. I shouldn't be getting so wasted. Geez.

Anyway - it's a good place that I'm in today. I like feeling content and living in the present without too much projecting. I'm the victim and prisoner of my mind far too much and it's nice to have it feel light for a couple of days.

On a side note, my mom seems to be reviving a little bit. She had my sister, Kim, visiting over the last weekend so she was surely happy to see another familiar face. I wish she wasn't so far away so I could see her all the time. Ah well....can't change it so I guess there's no use in fighting in my mind about it. Accepting shit is good for me....but not always practiced regularly.

Today is a different day.

Mom isn't doing great but there's no more information. We're all in limbo and no one is going to communicate to each other or show any sort of emotion or support. I'm so fucked.

My husband has applied for a job in Presque-Isle, Maine, teaching at the small University there. I get the feeling that my family thinks I'm better off gone from the county. It's like none of them even know me. Weird to want to go back there and to be digging my heals in also thinking it's not the right thing. Who knows.

I had a massage this morning. Man my hips are tight. She worked them really well but I'm starting to get sore from it. Feels good to get the muscles worked a bit, though. I should make a point to do that more often because I had a really relaxing time. Too bad it's so expensive to pamper yourself in such a way. More people should be able to afford such pleasures.

I'm still feeling a tad gloomy. Zumba tonight should help. My job helps me more than the ladies could ever know. I'm looking forward to a good workout and some time with the girls!! I should feel a ton better after work.

Here's hoping.

Anyway. I guess it's a different day, same mood. On a side note, I'm contemplating counseling so I can get out my neurosis. And to help me have better coping skills with the stresses of home life. No one wants to hear what is really going on in there. Not everything. So I need a place to be open with it all and keep afloat.

Good evening, ya'll. I'm about to throw on some tassel pants and get my Salsa on.

Nothing like a whopping hangover....

to make you feel like shit about yourself. Ugh! I over did it Saturday night and paid dearly for it yesterday. I guess I'm not capable of drinking tequila. Oh hell to the no. I'll pass next time, thank you.

I called my Aunt Diane this morning, she's my mother's caregiver and first born daughter. Diane's grandmother (my great grandmother) raised her and so we have that in common. She is caring for my mother, the mother that never raised her and I know at times it's a daunting and emotional task. A bond between a mother and child is so intricate and complicated without adding the giving away part. I can understand that completely. I am so grateful to her and to her husband for caring for my heart with such compassion and love.

She said mother isn't doing well this week. She wants to die and go be with her own parents in the after life and I don't blame her. I ask for her freedom to God all the time. What is the point of keeping her around, she can't really "be" present anymore, she's just waiting. It's incredibly unfair to see someone suffer practically their entire life.

You know I never heard her complain much. She took it all in stride and made the best of her life anyway. She helped her family and tinkered away at living as humbly and honestly as she could - all the while in pain. She had nothing of any value and was happy with that. She loved her kids and did right by all that came her way. She was just that kind of person. A good one. And I can't tell you how much I miss her. It's like an ache that won't go away. I ignore it a lot because what choice do I have? I could cry all day every day or I could go about my day and feel it when I need to. I try not to dwell in a place of grief but at times it engulfs me.

I don't know how I'll make it through losing her. I really don't. I can claim every day that I'm ready for this massive loss in my life. It's not as if I have her now. But I have a feeling it will be monumental and it's going to rock my world to the very core and shake things up tremendously. I just feel it coming like a slow tremor. It's been that way forever it seems. I always lived with the fear of the loss being right around the corner. There would be no grandma for my babies. Not like Jamie's mom is here for our girls. Thank goodness for her and for him. OMG - they're lucky girls to have that constant rock of stability. I'm not so confident in myself at times.

So I'm feeling low and just coming off such a shitty binder has not helped matters at all. I could use a little time on the wagon I think. The pressure these days seems to be getting to be a little worse and drinking only puts an emphasis on all that is wrong in my life. I need the light right now.

What a crappy couple of days.

At least I have about 8 loads of laundry to keep me busy. Ugh.

2012

I called my Mother for her birthday this past December and got the feeling that she was ready for a visit from me. So I asked my husband to drive us down there for New Year's weekend. We could take turns driving and get a hotel with the kids. Breakfast, pool, hot tub, big tv, free wi-fi, new iPad (Jamie's mother spoils him) and all five of us just hanging out and visiting Gram Bertie.

I took a few pictures. We got to visit a total of three times while we were there for the weekend. She remembered me and was in good spirits for each visit. She said my name when I walked in while she was having lunch on Saturday. It was nice to see a surprise on her face. I love and miss her so much.


I feel a lot of quiet emotion when I'm near her. I don't get upset, I just enjoy our time together and try to just pay attention and "be" there with her. I love this picture for so many reasons. Again, words escape in describing what this picture makes me feel.



And also here.


How funny to have the opposite expression in this one. Both of us look happy and present in our moment together. I will cherish these two photos of me with my mother.





Sydney is my only daughter who has a real memory of mom. We lived in Maine for a few years and I visited her with Sydney often. She hasn't seen her much over the last couple of years though I do talk about her around them. Mom gave her a rather extensive collection of glass animal figurines from her beloved Red Rose Tea boxes a few years back. She collected those all through my childhood. I think about all the little things and try to pull memories in as best I can. The little blurbs, private memories we grasp to hold onto. I miss her so much.

And of course we had to have one of these.

This was one of the most important trips of my life. I hope that I get to see mom again before she fly's away but you can't count on tomorrow. None of us can but I have this and I'm so happy that I do. I thanked Jamie over and over because I was so grateful that he helped make the trip happen. He's the greatest best friend ever.