Incoherent thoughts of me, myself and I.

One Year

2012-02-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

I taught my first Zumba class on this very day last year.

One of my students has lost 82 lbs.

Crazy. Amazing. Life-changing.

This job has given me my power back and allowed me to provide for my family in ways I never thought possible and still be able to stay home and take care of my kids on a full time basis. They may know every single lyric to every single Pitbull song but it's all been worth it.

I can't even put into words how good it feels to help people change their lives through Zumba. It's been a wonderful year for all of us.

I bet you're wondering

2012-02-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

how my mother is these days. She is still hanging on but fighting less and less every day. She doesn't eat much and won't get out of bed. She just doesn't want to and won't help you one bit. She's tired and I don't blame her. I think it won't be much longer until she lets go of the thread permanently. Until then, we wait and call and wait and call.

The kids are all excited to take a trip. I'm looking forward to hearing about all their fun. Saturday will come fast enough and I'll see everyone. Jamie should be fairly comfortable and his mom should be of good help but I'm sure they'll all find a way to complain about how much work the job I hold down single handed for the majority of each day is. They're much bigger now which will make a major difference. Plus, so far, I have packed incredibly well. He should be sitting pretty with regards to food and snacks and gear. I hope he enjoys himself.

Me? I'm having a couple of girlfriends over for good pizza and good drinks.

:p

Like I promised...

2012-01-30T06:18:00.000-08:00

I had a great weekend!!

It began with a suspiciously quiet sleepover, three hours of Zumba and a productive Saturday afternoon. Followed by a great party with girlfriends, food and drinks that did not get out of control. So that means I was home and in bed very sober and adequately tired. Sunday I woke up feeling rested and ready for a good day.

We had a great Sunday lunch of venison roast, mashed potato and green salad. So yummy with a slightly rich indulgence. Venison is great but takes a little getting used to. The roasts are amazing when you cook them for 6-8 hours. Fall off the bone and moist with juices. Friggen amazing.

And as promised, I successfully made a beautiful, and hopefully delicious, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting for Jim's co-workers. I'll get the scoop on flavor once they've all devoured my beautiful creation but something tells me it's going to be amazing. I'm jealous they get to eat it. I did make a second batch of carrot muffins and had left over icing for them. Also damn good and helped numb the pain of making a cake I will not taste. I need to know how good it is dammit.

Emily was down for the count practically all weekend with a fever and sore throat. She is improving so I opted to not take her into the doctor this morning. No fever, but slight sore throat with her cough still. I think she's on the mend. Hopefully the rest of us avoid getting it. I've been nervous about that the last couple days.

I watched Bridesmaids and My Big Fat Greek Wedding in bed this weekend. Jim and I relaxed and kept the house feeling nice and easy. I love weekends like that. It was so nice to be together and veg around like a bunch of lazies. It's really quite special how content we can be together. I love just cuddling and being quiet on a Sunday.

Thursday, Jim is driving the girls to meet his family for a weekend of tubing and skiing. I'm hanging back here and working until Saturday morning, then I'll drive down and spend the last night with them. Jim and I want to hit the hill alone Saturday night if they'll all be willing to help out with the kids. Here's hoping...a nice pre-anniversary date. It's not like we ever get to ask anyone for help with the kids but every other blue moon, I think we deserve it and hope to get some alone time. I have never been skiing before, it would be romantic to have him give me a bunny hill lesson. I wonder how they'll all deal with the mental stress of me not being around for three days to help with my little baby daughters, though. I think they'll be so busy and be having so much fun that when the down time at night begins, they will want to crash and rest up. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that.

Well that's about all I feel like talking about at the moment. I'll check in again this week sometime and ramble on about nothing, I'm sure of it.

Happy Monday people.

Finally Friday

2012-01-27T10:12:00.000-08:00

Another week coming to a close. I just have to get through a three hour block of Zumba in the morning and then I can relax for a few days.

I am with a heavy heart today, the lack of sunshine brings me gloominess of the mind along with the dreary days. What's new with that you ask? I am quite the moody creature, I agree. And my body is worn out from all the exercise I'm putting it through. I'd like to take a long afternoon nap but the three little girls squabbling in my living room will not afford an afternoon of rest. Ah well....it's FRIDAY!

Tomorrow night I'm sure I'll be feeling a little higher since I'm invited to a Thirty-One party and a girls evening following. I love time spent with the girlfriends and getting out of my husband's hair. He loves it too I'm sure.

Speaking of....little asshole asked me to make his friend a birthday cake for an office party on Monday. So I guess I'm making a damn cake Sunday. But I love that man and would pretty much do anything he asked me to do. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, 14 years behind us already.

The dog laid a dump right on the rug by the front door this morning. It wasn't discovered until said door was opened and closed a few times. Several shoe and door smears later, I find it through the entire fucking house. Heavy heart? I have a hard time finding the positive in such karmic crap finding it's way to my doorstep. Literally.

Emily made it through half a day of school then vomited.

The awesome just won't quit today.

Sydney's dance is tonight and I'm going to try and stay nice and normal for her two friends who are staying over. Shouldn't be hard since I have to be out of the house at 8:30 am for Zumba and Dear Old Dad will be making the obligatory bacon and eggs. I'm glad that Sydney is a confident and content almost 12 year old girl though, the fact that she loves having friends over means she is happy in her home and her life. THERE!! I found the positive :D

Pat me on the back why don't you.

Have a good weekend. I'm going to.

OMG OMG....

2012-01-26T07:11:00.000-08:00

A cleaning genius I am not...but let me tell you who is! Man, that girl can write. If you are here reading this, then you should definitely be reading that! Check her out...all of her musing are hilarious, gut wrenching and easily related to.

Emily is home sick today and I am finally feeling the urge to clean up the homestead for the first time in what feels like forever. I clean it all the time but if you asked me if I felt like doing it, I'd slap you in the face with my swiffer duster.

The babe is starting to feel a little better now but this morning at 6:00 am she was slightly pathetic and adorable. She's prone to vomiting when her tummy's upset and it turns her into the sweetest, most helpless little mite you ever saw. I know this is wrong on all sorts of levels, but I like when she gets a little stomach bug every blue moon or so.

Abigail is loving the company of her big sister and has been almost concerned about her this morning. Awwww...such sweet sisters. It's nice having them together like this again, it happens less and less as they get older. They both were doing school work at the kitchen counter while I scrubbed and bleached my floor this morn and it melted my heart watching them cut, glue and color side by side. Love those babies.

Sydney has a dance tomorrow night and is having a two friend sleep over afterward. She is changing and growing up so fast these days. Her cell phone at the ready, lip gloss in hand, she flips her curly locks and rolls her eyes at my Zumba antics and wouldn't be caught dead in one of my Zumba classes these days. Until her friends decide it's cool again and they all flock to the back row. Ahhhh...pre-teenage anst. Tweendom at it's peak....her 12th birthday is in about 6 weeks. And just like that she's not my baby anymore. She sure is a pretty little thing.

Zumba is rocking these days. I love averaging 20 peeps in class, the energy and the paycheck are so much better when I have a full(er) house. One Thursday night I had 30 people dancing with me. LOVE IT! I can only imagine what it must be like in a huge venue with 60 or 70 women rocking out to Pitbull and hanging on your every move. Such a rush. This was by far the best step I've taken that had nothing to do with my family and everything to do with me. It's been a lifesaver and a blessing. Mad props to Zumba for making this accessible to the average person. It's a lot of work to keep this class current and fun but it's worth it in so many different ways. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Anyway, that's my Thursday morning thoughts in a nutshell. Catch ya next time.

Yo mama she get Krazy!

2012-01-22T18:09:00.000-08:00

What a weekend! My buddy came to visit with her FOUR kids and stayed over two nights with my krazy krew. We had a great visit but man am I tired! Saturday morning I had to teach an adult Zumba class but the second and third classes are ZumbAtomic, which is the kids version of Zumba. No sexy songs, or gyrating hips, just goofy dancing to music they may or may not have heard before. The kids all had a blast and I loved having them in class. The afternoon was as chill as one can get with 8 kids (our 7 plus a stray!). We got a little snow so they were able to bundle up and slide in the back yard for a little while. They left this morning and I was both sad and happy to see them go. It's work entertaining a big crew like that but the company was nice and seeing my bestie was even better.

The man of the house helped me clean up this morning then we all got ready for a trip to the mall and then some Target shopping. Both were great. I treated Sydney and I to manicures and the girls went to a play place that has a drop off option which we LOVE on occasion. The two littles played for an hour while we just did our own thing. LOVE family time like that. We walked around, drank a soda, visited the poor pet shop puppies and other animals and we came home. It was great and a nice way to end the weekend.

No hangovers. Thankful for that - the depression that ensues a big fat binge (there is no sugar coating allowed here) is absolutely crippling for me. I take a week to mentally recover and I don't like feeling like such a douche so yay for fresh weekends that don't involve too much booze. I'm nearly 36 years old for crying out loud. I shouldn't be getting so wasted. Geez.

Anyway - it's a good place that I'm in today. I like feeling content and living in the present without too much projecting. I'm the victim and prisoner of my mind far too much and it's nice to have it feel light for a couple of days.

On a side note, my mom seems to be reviving a little bit. She had my sister, Kim, visiting over the last weekend so she was surely happy to see another familiar face. I wish she wasn't so far away so I could see her all the time. Ah well....can't change it so I guess there's no use in fighting in my mind about it. Accepting shit is good for me....but not always practiced regularly.

Today is a different day.

2012-01-17T14:47:00.000-08:00

Mom isn't doing great but there's no more information. We're all in limbo and no one is going to communicate to each other or show any sort of emotion or support. I'm so fucked.

My husband has applied for a job in Presque-Isle, Maine, teaching at the small University there. I get the feeling that my family thinks I'm better off gone from the county. It's like none of them even know me. Weird to want to go back there and to be digging my heals in also thinking it's not the right thing. Who knows.

I had a massage this morning. Man my hips are tight. She worked them really well but I'm starting to get sore from it. Feels good to get the muscles worked a bit, though. I should make a point to do that more often because I had a really relaxing time. Too bad it's so expensive to pamper yourself in such a way. More people should be able to afford such pleasures.

I'm still feeling a tad gloomy. Zumba tonight should help. My job helps me more than the ladies could ever know. I'm looking forward to a good workout and some time with the girls!! I should feel a ton better after work.

Here's hoping.

Anyway. I guess it's a different day, same mood. On a side note, I'm contemplating counseling so I can get out my neurosis. And to help me have better coping skills with the stresses of home life. No one wants to hear what is really going on in there. Not everything. So I need a place to be open with it all and keep afloat.

Good evening, ya'll. I'm about to throw on some tassel pants and get my Salsa on.

Nothing like a whopping hangover....

2012-01-16T10:42:00.000-08:00

to make you feel like shit about yourself. Ugh! I over did it Saturday night and paid dearly for it yesterday. I guess I'm not capable of drinking tequila. Oh hell to the no. I'll pass next time, thank you.

I called my Aunt Diane this morning, she's my mother's caregiver and first born daughter. Diane's grandmother (my great grandmother) raised her and so we have that in common. She is caring for my mother, the mother that never raised her and I know at times it's a daunting and emotional task. A bond between a mother and child is so intricate and complicated without adding the giving away part. I can understand that completely. I am so grateful to her and to her husband for caring for my heart with such compassion and love.

She said mother isn't doing well this week. She wants to die and go be with her own parents in the after life and I don't blame her. I ask for her freedom to God all the time. What is the point of keeping her around, she can't really "be" present anymore, she's just waiting. It's incredibly unfair to see someone suffer practically their entire life.

You know I never heard her complain much. She took it all in stride and made the best of her life anyway. She helped her family and tinkered away at living as humbly and honestly as she could - all the while in pain. She had nothing of any value and was happy with that. She loved her kids and did right by all that came her way. She was just that kind of person. A good one. And I can't tell you how much I miss her. It's like an ache that won't go away. I ignore it a lot because what choice do I have? I could cry all day every day or I could go about my day and feel it when I need to. I try not to dwell in a place of grief but at times it engulfs me.

I don't know how I'll make it through losing her. I really don't. I can claim every day that I'm ready for this massive loss in my life. It's not as if I have her now. But I have a feeling it will be monumental and it's going to rock my world to the very core and shake things up tremendously. I just feel it coming like a slow tremor. It's been that way forever it seems. I always lived with the fear of the loss being right around the corner. There would be no grandma for my babies. Not like Jamie's mom is here for our girls. Thank goodness for her and for him. OMG - they're lucky girls to have that constant rock of stability. I'm not so confident in myself at times.

So I'm feeling low and just coming off such a shitty binder has not helped matters at all. I could use a little time on the wagon I think. The pressure these days seems to be getting to be a little worse and drinking only puts an emphasis on all that is wrong in my life. I need the light right now.

What a crappy couple of days.

At least I have about 8 loads of laundry to keep me busy. Ugh.

2012

2012-01-09T13:29:00.000-08:00

I called my Mother for her birthday this past December and got the feeling that she was ready for a visit from me. So I asked my husband to drive us down there for New Year's weekend. We could take turns driving and get a hotel with the kids. Breakfast, pool, hot tub, big tv, free wi-fi, new iPad (Jamie's mother spoils him) and all five of us just hanging out and visiting Gram Bertie.

I took a few pictures. We got to visit a total of three times while we were there for the weekend. She remembered me and was in good spirits for each visit. She said my name when I walked in while she was having lunch on Saturday. It was nice to see a surprise on her face. I love and miss her so much.

I feel a lot of quiet emotion when I'm near her. I don't get upset, I just enjoy our time together and try to just pay attention and "be" there with her. I love this picture for so many reasons. Again, words escape in describing what this picture makes me feel.

And also here.

How funny to have the opposite expression in this one. Both of us look happy and present in our moment together. I will cherish these two photos of me with my mother.

Sydney is my only daughter who has a real memory of mom. We lived in Maine for a few years and I visited her with Sydney often. She hasn't seen her much over the last couple of years though I do talk about her around them. Mom gave her a rather extensive collection of glass animal figurines from her beloved Red Rose Tea boxes a few years back. She collected those all through my childhood. I think about all the little things and try to pull memories in as best I can. The little blurbs, private memories we grasp to hold onto. I miss her so much.

And of course we had to have one of these.

This was one of the most important trips of my life. I hope that I get to see mom again before she fly's away but you can't count on tomorrow. None of us can but I have this and I'm so happy that I do. I thanked Jamie over and over because I was so grateful that he helped make the trip happen. He's the greatest best friend ever.

I'd fix all those typos below...

2011-12-25T18:24:00.000-08:00

but it makes a lot more sense when you're drunk on Christmas to just let it go. I'm not sloshed....just a little bit on the side of tipsy.

I LOVE NEIL YOUNG!!

On Christmas and Neil Young

2011-12-25T18:04:00.000-08:00

Christmas was good. The same story a different year. I'm never really jovial at Christmas. I guess I tend to live on the lonely side of life when there are special times when you should be surrounded by family. I have my kids and I have my man but I can't help but want those that came long before they ever entered the picture. It's been a good just the same. We made it happen by texting and chatting it up with each other practically all day. It's been a good one and although we're all far apart. Now if only the damn kids would finally get to sleep. Ugh!!

I got a little drunk tonight.

Sue me.

And in other news. I love Neil Young. Never really listened closely before. I need to pay more attention.

Merry Christmas, folks. And a Happy New Year!

Oops!

2011-12-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

It has become clear to me that my lack of self love in the area of eating well and exercising beyond Zumba has taken it's toll. In February I will celebrate my one year Zumbaversary. Can you believe that I started this business almost a year ago? It's done well and I've concentrated a lot of time into nurturing it. I've had lots of people come, some have stayed, some have not. One of my ladies has lost over 70 lbs and has become licensed to instruct classes herself - which she does on Saturdays with me and our ZumbAtomic class (for kids). But in the middle of this venture I somehow lost sight of my own journey to be better, to challenge myself and set goals that I wanted to reach for me.

This week I have taken the time to run a little bit. A little bit of interval training, a fast two mile run, some weight training and ab work. It feels good to push myself and to expect more. I need to keep doing this or I'll never make it through winter without medication.

**gulp, gulp, gulp***

That was me sipping more water. I'm trying to get back in the habit of a lot of things that I've let slide. This place being one of them. I promise to keep boring the shit out of you as long as you keep needing me.

*gulp*

No wonder I always feel like dog crap

2011-12-12T05:03:00.000-08:00

I'm not eating well these days and it's getting to me. My sugar content is much higher than it needs to be and my vegetable count is much, much lower than I am used to. I am normally a salad muncher but nothing is tasting good to me lately. Nothing except for melted cheese, fried crap and sugary treats.

I'm drinking a third of the water I normally drink and I'm feeling crappy as ever.

I need a detox. I think after the holidays are over some serious consideration and effort to revamp my diet and water intake needs to happen. Thank goodness that I exercise like crazy - but even that isn't with the same intensity I had before I became a Zumba instructor. Don't get me wrong, I knock it out in class but an hour of Zumba feels like nothing to me anymore and if I go any harder in class I hurt myself in a non-muscle type way.

Wednesday nights I am taking a total body conditioning class - which I am happy to participate in. My body needs a good ass kicking. I should start doing short runs on my treadmill every morning. Even just 15 minutes of interval training would help kick start my day. I'm having a tough time motivating myself for me anymore. I have to find a better balance.

Okay, game plan... I'll get on the green tea wagon right this minute and try to get my fluids up today. I'll make a salad with fish for lunch, and venison chili with spaghetti squash for dinner. I could also make a more valiant effort to keep away from the snack foods. I think if I could get one day under my belt - maybe pre-cut things so I can just throw salads together for a couple of days I would feel tons better.

No one is going to take care of me except for me - I have to make better choices! No excuses!! (I have a loooong list that I am trying hard not to bore you with)

Okay - water is on. Green tea and 15 minutes on the treadmill. I can do this.

Dammit!

***Update to this morning - I immediately took my ass down stairs and did 15 minutes of interval training on my beloved treadmill (I missed her!) followed by a few strength training exercises. I didn't eat as awesome as I'd hoped but I did drink 3 large mugs of green tea, and will continue on this evening as well as about 30 oz of water. Not nearly the 90 plus oz I was drinking daily but it's a step in the right direction. Venison chili on the stove.....spaghetti squash is getting popped into the microwave soon. Progress...not perfection.

Happy Pieces

2011-12-06T10:29:00.000-08:00

I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I make the best damn cookies and I think it's because now I have Jamie's grandmother's old Sunmaid upright mixer. I don't bake anything without it anymore and the mixing is definitely the key to baking moist and delicious. I have Snickerdoodle dough in the fridge waiting to be baked. They're Jamie's favorite, or at least what he requested this Christmas.

This year I had it in me to let Jamie take on a new hobby. How selfish is it of me that I've made him slave to our family aside from his job? It's awful, but I couldn't handle any other scenario for a long time because staying home with our tiny tots was not easy. When we left Maine, Sydney started school. The following winter I was preggers with Emily...then came Abby. It was just too much to stay home for 12 plus hours by myself. But now that I'm working out of the house in the evenings I have a lot more patience and time to give. So he's a hunter now and I'm proud of him. He hasn't gotten any game this year but it doesn't matter. He's doing something he wants to do outside of work and that makes me happy as a clam for him.

Emily is 5 now and in school full time. She flourishes there and is growing by leaps and bounds socially, physically, mentally...all of it. I love seeing this happen and I'm saddened that her babyhood somehow passed my by so quickly. She was/is a tyrant child. I miss the special parts, the cuddles, the soft baby curls, the dresses....but the sleep deprivation damn near killed me so I'm happy we're in a different place.

Abigail is a miracle child. Not in the true sense of the word, she's perfectly healthy and nothing crazy has ever happened that would threaten her existence....but she is a miracle. She is light and fluffy, loving and affectionate, smart and pretty....all of these things and so much more. I am really enjoying my alone time with her and appreciate the gift that she really is to our family.

Sydney is my teacher. I'm learning as I go with her. I was impatient and not a very good parent when she was little. I'm much better doing this the second and third time around. I'm trying to carry my new skills into parenting her as a tween. So far so good....I'm getting better and better as I go but I'm still learning on the job and I hope that she understands that one day. I never hide behind my mistakes or stand proud when I screw it up (or at least that's my goal). I let her know when I'm being unreasonable or immature and she is the most forgiving and loving daughter that any mother could hope for.

Jamie is a great companion in my journey. I chose well the first time. There are no greener pastures, just different ones. I've struggled to learn this over the last decade and a half we have shared together. I have made some pretty bad mistakes in our marriage and continue to have issues that need to be ironed but we mesh well. We are the family that neither of us ever had. One where there was a mum and a dad and love between them. I hope that makes a difference for my kids.

I'm still going strong with Zumba. My fitness journey is taking a back seat since most of my time is spent putting together great routines and teaching classes - 7 per week to be exact. But I'm helping people reach goals and giving women a place to gather, exercise and laugh all in one place. It's really a good thing for this town and the financial benefits have been great for Jamie and I. It's been a blessing beyond what I could have hoped for.

I had to write some good on here. I have an amazing life but I struggle with mild depression and sometimes the light doesn't shine through the dark. But I needed to say it out loud - there's a lot of light here in my world too. A lot of good and a lot of light. Thank you for reading.

Busy Living

2011-12-06T07:39:00.000-08:00

I love writing. It feels cathartic to write my worries and even to share my triumphs. But I sound like a broken record and I get sick of listening to myself spew out the same old crap on a different day. Is anyone really that interested that they want to read the ins and outs of my simple complex life?

Yesterday, I read about a woman who lost her life birthing twins. It seems so unfair that this bright star gets snuffed out in the beginning of her journey through motherhood. It was all she ever wanted, to become a mother. All those two tiny beings will ever want is a mother. She's gone. She was loved by many and admired by even more with her music and loving light that she showed the world regardless of her troubles. Why her? Why someone who spreads goodness where ever they go? I don't get it.

As life goes on, I get more and more confused. It is indescribable to me the amazement of it all, the pain of it all. I suppose the one job we have is to live only in the present so we don't waste another minute. We worry, we rehash every mistake made in our lives over and over, define ourselves by them even.

I am lucky enough to still have my ticket with time left on it. I know there's no guarantee in life and I should be more involved in the moment I'm living right now. But where do you start? In this very moment I guess. I have done a lot of good, I've done a lot of bad. Impulsive and remorseful. I'd rather be mindful and grateful. One day at a time.

My family is special. My marriage with Jamie isn't perfect but it's made of something stronger than I sometimes give us credit for. We have ebbs and flows just like a marriage should. But at the end of the day we cleave to each other for support and love. I am safe in his house and I don't want to build another. We were given three daughters to protect and guide through all of the obstacles that childhood presents and we're doing a great job. I put one foot in front of the other like I have it all together but on the inside.....the inside sometimes feels like a whole different world.

I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm living. All I can say is wow. My story isn't clean cut, it has jagged edges and rough surfaces. Is it like that for everyone? Is there such a thing as contentment? And how do you achieve this state of mind? I think maybe I over think it all. Too much, too little. Never just enough.

I talked to you today....

2011-06-16T04:06:00.000-07:00

but it wasn't the same. Your spirit is gone and you don't remember me well, or anything about my life for that matter. I was afraid for years and years that you would leave me before I was ready. It's true, I'm not ready for you to go, but I'm ready for you to be at peace and out of the constant pain that you spent half your life in. I think that hurts worse to have you on this earth but gone at the same time. What purpose does it serve to have you lying on a couch hurting all the time and wishing it would end. These are the times when I say to myself...."where is this God you all speak of?" And to think someone's life will be taken way too soon on this day that you are hoping to just go home.

I miss you so much. I wish that I still had our weekly talks where you listened to me babble on about this or that. I want to share the little things with you about my every day, the little things my daughters do that make me laugh but I can not. I miss our summer visits. I should have spent more time sitting at your table playing Skip-Bo or Yahtzee. I'm sorry that I didn't.

I've been mad at you for parts of my life, not understanding you in the least because you kept your feelings guarded. Not because you didn't want to share but perhaps felt like it didn't matter what you felt, life wasn't going to change its circumstances just because of feelings. You never complained even though you were hurting most of the days I was with you. The worst memories of your pain was when you had a case of shingles. It was as if your arthritis melted away and another, more intense pain crippled you to your bed. You didn't get out of it for what seemed like forever to a little girl who just wished her mama felt better.

I loved you so much as a girl. You were my security blanket and my hiding place. I never wanted to leave your side, even at night I slept beside you for years and years. It would be nice to go back and peek in a window at the simple life we led at that time. Just you and me and I liked it that way. Just you and me.

I surely love you now as well. I hurt inside, there's such a large chunk of me missing without you in my life. My heart aches like your tired body. I don't know how to make it stop. Maybe time will heal, maybe? I don't think anyone will miss you as much as me.

I love you, Mom.

Random, I know...

2011-06-06T10:35:00.001-07:00

But why is it so hard for me to find a place where I can be happy with me. I love and appreciate so many parts to my life. Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough to have all this? Why do I still feel so damn unworthy? Like at any moment it could all come falling down around me and there's nothing I could do to stop it because really...isn't it just too good to be true. For someone like me, I mean. It's painful to speak the truth of what I feel inside. Even if I know that it's not what others perceive to be true about me. A lot of people love me because they see the good but all I ever see is the bad.

It's overwhelming sometimes and it's hard to dig myself out. I'm trying but today seems hard.

PS - side note completely contrary to all the above. i ran my first 5k the other day. i got 3rd place in my age group with a finish time of 25:24. that's probably my best time ever doing any type of non-treadmill running. i was proud of myself for that.

March!

2011-03-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

Finally. I'm ready for spring, sprouting bulbs and digging up the wet garden in preparation for planting. I'm going to make a huge strawberry patch this year. It'll be a huge money saver since we can eat a bucket of those delicious things a day. Strawberry jam, strawberry and lemon balm scones....mmmmmmm....they are going to be tasty tasty!

March brings a new month of Zumba and so far it's looking really promising. I'm selling punch cards left and right and my classes are getting fuller each week. Last night we hardly had the room to do the workout without feeling crowded. The ladies are loving it though and really starting to see a difference in their endurance and the weight is starting to DROP! Wahooo!!

I turned 35 last week......ugh...I'm feeling older for sure, and looking it too. But I'm doing my best to take care of myself so that my 40's will be a little easier on me. I'd say that my twenties were a bit rough by looking at my face these days. Oh well, I am who I am and that's all I can be. I'm trying not to sweat it but I can tell you one thing.....I MOISTURIZE LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN!!

It isn't just me...

2011-02-16T09:47:00.000-08:00

...who's feeling amazing. Turns out Zumba is giving the moms, wives, sisters, grandmothers and working women of this town something to talk about. They are coming up to me left and right telling me how much they needed this and what a good time they're having.

That trumps any other bonus of this adventure for me. I love how this is giving them a little piece of themselves. If they could, every one of them would Zumba an hour away with me every single night of the week.

That is just amazing!!

I FEEL AMAZING!

2011-02-10T20:06:00.001-08:00

Happiness. Is it really just about doing something(s) that you love? Has it been that easy all along and I just held back or couldn't grasp it for whatever reason?

I got my license to instruct Zumba a week ago. This week I taught my first two classes. I was so scared and nervous but it came out of me like I had been doing it for quite some time. I love dancing, it's so intoxicating. Addicting even. I just want to do this all the time and now I have a big class full of women who are loving the same thing and I get to give it to them. If I'm anything in this world, it's a giver of gifts. I get high from gift giving. It feels good to think of someone and love them in the gift you give them. Zumba is like giving a gift times a million. I have all these women just craving something fun to do that helps them fit into their skinny jeans. Then, poof I show up with a dance party and all is right in their world. For that hour I am theirs and they follow me around the dance floor laughing, sweating and LOVING their evening. The smiles on their faces just tickle me pink. I can't wait until my next class on Saturday.

Business as usual...

2011-01-29T06:09:00.000-08:00

January is zinging right along for me this year. A big change from the usual winter blues I experience around this time of year. What a difference it makes when you start to fill your life instead of waiting for it to fill itself.

Zumba instructor training is less than a week away and my first official Zumba class will be the following week! I am nervous but I am ready. This month I have scoured the internet for choreography ideas and developed a good set of songs to start with and tons on the back burner waiting for my personal touch. A month ago I was almost terrified to even begin this journey and now I'm moving along; rock steady and totally ready to bring a new form of exercise to the women in my area. I have many ideas on the direction to take my class and I can't wait to get started.

My girls are growing like weeds, too! Emily is attending school 3 days a week now and will begin kindergarten this fall. Abby will be in nursery school 2 or 3 days a week come fall as well. Sydney is a rock star in middle school and has already been named student of the month. It's like I'm dreaming the most fabulous dream. I am able to come out from the trenches and start my own little piece of something but still be here for my kids, which is non-negotiable at this point for me. I want to be here every step of the way throughout their childhood. Our kids need a strong support system and I'm so grateful that we can afford for them to have a mom at home. And 10 years ago I would have told you that you were absolutely crazy if you thought I'd be *that* kind of mother.

The singing hobby is still chugging along. The last year has been a ride for sure. Franki, my singing partner, has been a huge help in helping me discover myself again. She encourages and listens to my ideas and gives them merit. I am grateful to have found such a good friend here after 6 long years. We practice almost weekly and so far we have been invited to sing in one private club for special events and such and hoping to snag another very soon. If we could have one or two weekends a month to perform and have a fun time - that is enough for me. Singing will not bring me lots of dough but it does give me so much more. I can't even believe that all these opportunities have come into my life in the last year. I can't even believe that I feel so happy all the time vs. the miserable, pathetic mess that I was last winter.

I guess I'm off for now....

EXCITEMENT!!!

2011-01-04T06:15:00.000-08:00

After much careful thought and consideration, I've decided to take the Zumba Instructor training course. I want to vomit because I'm obviously nervous but I can't sit back and watch from the sidelines any longer or travel 30 minutes to the nearest class. I have had this itch in my head for 6 months because I know there's a demand for it, it's just someone has to offer it.

I live in a town with a small fitness center and as of right now there isn't a single fitness class being held there. The woman that used to instruct has a full time job now and doesn't have time to pursue a license to officially instruct Zumba. She used to do a class similar and called it Danza but it never took off. She didn't have a specific routine, she made it up as she went along. I was lucky to burn 200 calories in the entire 45 minutes. I want more than that from a fitness class and I know there are women here in this town craving something like Zumba to help them reach their fitness goals. Patti's energy during class was great and she definitely has talent and passion, she's just a busy working mom now. I am not.

So as scared as I am to do something new, I'm so tired of thinking about doing something about it. I watch friends of mine launch out on their own with different things and build their own successes. I have watched my own husband, for the past 6 years, work towards his own goals and reach them. I watch and I envy. Envy is such a sad emotion and really not where I want to be. Yesterday, I thought about where that jealousy is coming from and realized that someone's success has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LACK OF. Ding! I guess I knew that already but when you're stuck knee deep in fear you rationalize your inability to move forward in crazy ways. You make excuses for yourself and make it okay to wait just a little longer.

No one is going to push me over the edge, I have to jump. So I'm jumping. And I'm really nervous but I'm also really happy. My class is on February 4th in Rochester, about three hours away from here! ONE MONTH!! My husband is going with and we are taking the kids to a fun hotel and staying two nights to make a mini winter getaway out of it. And with all the writing off I'll be doing this year with my three businesses - I'll be keeping that receipt!

Anyway, WISH ME LUCK!!

Out straight....

2010-12-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

Emily starting a private preschool this year has done me in. It's only two days a week but coupled with family room at the elementary school two days a week, it really fills up my mornings. That and the running challenge as of late. I finished November's without a hitch and managed to trim up a bit so I thought I would keep the momentum going and up the ante some. Instead of 90 in 30 I'm just shooting for 100 miles in December. So far I am 54 miles in and counting, also 5 lbs down! Halfway to my last 10. Which I'm sure I'll gain and lose and gain and lose but that's where I'd like to teeter so I'm okay with that.

Anyway, Christmas is kicking my ass this year, too. I haven't an ounce of Christmas spirit. I am happy for my kids' excitement but I couldn't loathe this holiday more for all it has become and all that it just isn't anymore. I don't like "things", I don't need any new "things" unless you're talking about a new set of boobs that I promise I would take care of and love when the newness has worn off. And since I'm wishing for fixing, if you could just tuck in that cesarean scar just a wee bit....

Yeah, yeah...I know....

Speaking of, have you seen that show Bridalplasty? That's some good reality tv right there.

Not.

Sydney is in the band this year playing saxophone. They played a couple of tunes last night at the holiday concert. They could use a bit more practice. Just sayin'. I had to laugh at all the 5th graders up on stage blowing on their horns and talking to their neighbors. Brings me back for sure.

Emily's holiday concert is tomorrow night, which will be interesting since this is a christian school. I'm looking forward to it because that will also bring me back. I saw many a manger scene in my day. I don't take the kids to a church so this will be a little exposure to religion that they never get, except for Emily at the moment.

Abby is still the most adorable and thoughtful two year old I've yet to meet. I was muttering under my breath while I was vacuuming out the couch about crumbs and damn kids like I do every Monday. As I head down the hall with a handful of dirty clothes she followed behind me and said in the sincerest of two year old voices "I'm so sorry, Mom. It was an accident, okay?". Then she tapped her little hand on my leg to comfort me. I wasn't mad anymore after that. I love her light, I really, really do.

Ever been so tired that you can't settle in for a good night's rest? That's me tonight...I'm hoping that this blogging excursion has done the trick. I'm sorry I don't try harder to care about my writing. I just don't feel like it....but you're here reading so you must want to hear what I have to say. All four of you....

Nosy bastards.

If I don't see you on here before the holiday, Merry F#$KING Christmas and Happy New Year. Arrivederci.

Something worth mentioning!

2010-11-18T11:05:00.001-08:00

What a great day I have had today, so much so that I just want to write about it. Make it a memory to look back onto maybe or just saying it out loud makes me appreciate each detail more.

It started out like any other day, alarm clock buzzing my head off. Or actually my body naturally wakes up a few minutes before the alarm but I laze in an out for about 30 minutes. Imagine that? I don't have a lot of those moments so I really enjoy that time to myself.

After that, I wake Sydney up, she hops out of bed every day a little groggy but always in a pleasant mood and happy to tackle the day. Um, thank you? I know she'll be a teenager soon but so far she's a great kid who tests her parents boundaries only so far and is not inclined to really take them to any real limit before she retreats. THANK YOU!!!

Then, I ate my favorite breakfast, english muffin, pb and banana. Soooo yummy and filling. Still no internet to keep me occupied while I eat so I had to enjoy my meal in the living room by the wood stove. Bummer....

Daycare kids arrived, coffee was poured and the morning swing had begun. Still no internet. Guess I'm not logging onto Spark, oh well...moving on. Emily had school this morning so we got ready for that and just hung out until the bus picked the big kids up at 7:45. Then, the girls and I loaded in the van to head to school.

While getting ready I had the bright idea to see if Abby wanted to stay and play at my friend's house this morning while Emily was in school. She said yes! I picked up my friend's daughter for school and dropped Abby off with her little crew. We trade with each other weekly. Sure makes day appointments and treats like a lunch date with Jamie happen a lot easier, it works well for both of us. So...a few gorgeous and well deserved hours all to myself!

I get home, still no internet. Okay, no time wasted there...I'm loving that!

No treadmill running today was my first treat, complete with a new running route to make it interesting. I didn't even bring my shuffle, just me, the cars(they motivate me), and the fresh air. It was great - just a bit over three miles and it felt fantastic! I think I like pre-winter running best, it's chilly, which motivates me to go faster. That cool air glides into my body and I could go on forever and ever and just feel great the whole time. I pushed hard today, it was awesome.

What, no internet?

Then a shower. Uninterrupted, with no one waiting for me, just a hot shower for as long as I wanted. I scrubbed some Wen into my crazy curls and enjoyed the heat after the chilly run. Another perfect 20 mintes, I lingered and just relaxed. It was soo nice.

No internet :)

I had a good hour after left to moisturize and groom a little bit. My fingernails were looking pretty glum and my eyebrows a little furry...I'm loving this extra time today! Pure heaven....well, not the plucking part but now it's done!

The kids are home now from half day of school and they're all playing nicely, some Wii, some dolls, some watching tv lazily in their room. I can't really ask for a better Thursday, tonight I have a sculpt/core/cardio class for an hour with some other strong women and then Grey's Anatomy.

Internet is working beautifully :)

A wonderful threshold to Friday - I'm looking forward to this weekend. Quiet family time with Jamie and the girls. Maybe a babysitter to catch the new Harry Potter flick with Sydney and Jamie. Running - last few days in my challenge. Today marked 78 miles, so that makes four days? I am losing track. Wow!

I leave on Wednesday to see my Mom for three days and I am going sans family. Just me, myself and I and no one to mom, mom, mommy me to death. I can hardly wait to come home to my babies but seeing my mom is going to be special. I want to write something amazing for her, I have ideas, just haven't had the inspiration to sit down just yet. I'm hoping my visit gets the wheels churning.

So a great day, right? And it's only half over. Sheeeyah!

Phew!

2010-11-17T05:04:00.000-08:00

I'm on day 24 of 30. Another three mile run lies ahead of me this morning and I'm not loving that. My knee is a little bit sore but I'm doing okay. Last night I hit a Zumba class for something different and Thursday there's a core/sculpting class I attend. Oh, and I joined SparkPeople! A website designed to help you reach your goals, I'm using it for the food tracker mostly and it's been soooo dang helpful. I'm starting to see the last few pounds slowly melt away - this is where I've gotten several times only to get burned out with the intensity of it. I'm focused right now though and may continue this running challenge or do weekly challenges of runs and videos to keep my body guessing. I just have to workout every day for 30 minutes and push myself in that time.

It may sound absurd that I would want to shave off a few more pounds but for me it's really important. I'm not sure exactly why, only that I feel better when my body looks good and I've worked so dang hard for two years it'd be a shame to not push that last bit to get myself in the best shape I've ever been in. The awesomeness that is Spark is that I can eat what I want but there are limitations set. When you don't write down what you're eating it's very easy to get off balance and stuff way more into that hole than you need to. Or at least for me it is. If I have to write it down I'm probably not going to eat it if it's not a nutritious choice. I'll admit I've cheated some but life is for living too. I've got a pretty clear head about what I can enjoy and what I have to set aside and have less often. And also about balance and being happy. I feel happy because I'm in control of my choices and my fitness levels. Happy, not obsessive. There's definitely a difference.

So....72 miles in - the home stretch is here and yet today feels so hard for some reason. I'll be on the treadmill soon and the running will be great, especially afterward. Lately, the running is easier than actually getting started. Funny....
Oh and what's really exciting is that I've shaved 3 MINUTES off my 3 mile run. I was always right around 29-30 minutes because I let myself work only soooo hard. Yesterday, I ran that bastard in 25:28 and it felt amazing and also a little bit painful. :)

On turning four and other things...

2010-11-06T15:55:00.001-07:00

Emily! What a great birthday this year has been for her. So many mini celebrations with school and friends, today was her party for one last hoorah! Good bye toddlerhood, hello whatever it is that four year olds are. Because I'll be honest, she's still throwing a considerable amount of tantrums for turning four but I guess we're taking baby steps.

She's not all naughty. I have a sweet, caring and genuine young lady close to my heart and I know that she's going to turn out okay as long as I can keep figuring her out. These days I'm getting better. Today was great for example. She shared her presents with her friends, she gave me a really big hug and told me how happy she was and gave me a heart felt Thank You which in my opinion is pretty tight coming from a new four year old. Those are my moments validating that I'm doing an okay job.

In other news! I've been religiously taking care of my fitness for almost two years but have only really been pushing limits lately. Running is a painful for me to do and all I was doing was jogging and logging. I didn't let myself hurt for very long before I'd ease up the pace where I was comfortable. These days I'm running faster than ever (for me) and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I set a challenge for myself this month to run 3 miles a day for 30 days. At first I toyed with it because it scared me. I tend to fall into things and test the water a few days before I commit to anything. This afternoon I finished my 14th day with 42 miles logged for two weeks of running. I'm still a long way off from the end but I'm taking one day's challenge at a time and not asking anything else of myself. One run at a time will eventually equal the 90 miles after 30 of them.

November already, this year is almost over, a drop in the bucket now. I can't seem to remember any other time in my life where the minutes seem to be racing right along and begging me to keep up. Life is too damn short.

Less than three weeks and I go see mom. Keep this in your happy place in thought land for me if you can. Send me some peace and strength. I'm going to really need it. I have missed her so much but I'm scared. I know it's only a matter of time these days. I know she wants to die now. Once the will is gone, what's left? I know she's lived so many years in pain and suffered a great deal in her life. She say's she just wants to go home and see her Mom and Dad. And she deserves to just rest and never have to take another pill or hurt another minute.

I took a pregnancy test today because I'm over a week late. I've had a tubal but I figure my chances of having that fail - well lets just say I look over my shoulder a lot. It was negative and I am relieved. Neither of us can do that again without a struggle. Three is enough.

So that's it for things tonight. A little scatterbrained but what the hell. Sue me.

I'm mad at you!

2010-11-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

For going to work everyday and creating a career without ever really thinking what I'm doing at home to help you get there.

For eating the left overs for lunch and not saying "Thank you".

Because you workout on your own time in a gym with people around you and no one crying for you to wipe their ass or help them with their baby's hat while you suffer through a 3 mile run in the basement.

For not connecting with me when I ask you to and getting mad at me when I tell you gently how neglected I am feeling.

For ignoring my hard work. I don't just work out for me, or for my health. I work out so that you have a woman who likes to take care of herself to hold onto at night, instead you're watching Ultimate Fighter again.

For telling me to eat the cake if I want to eat the cake or that I don't need to work out on Saturday when I've already taken a day off mid week. I need you to hold me accountable sometimes because your support is important to me.

For coming home at 6:30 pm every night to dinner on the table, only to be frustrated and mad with the kids by 7:30 and yelling at everyone.

For being negative about my fitness goals this month. I need you to tell me I can do it, not remind me of the work I have ahead of me.

Would it be so hard to say you're sorry for saying something that hurt my feelings, even when you don't understand why.

Is it too much to ask for you to genuinely give me a bit of gratitude for the amount of work I do to keep this family running? Maybe you could let me know that you realize that I have other goals in life other than just serving you in yours.

Maybe you could tell me that I have done a good job with the house today or that I'm a good mother to our children.

NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME THIS EXCEPT FOR YOU. Everything I do is in your name. All the work, the girls, the house, the bills, the dinners, the hot body? I do all that for YOU!!!

A little appreciation would go a long way.

It's official.

2010-11-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

I booked tickets to visit Mom over Thanksgiving. I'm excited for this, it's long overdue. I've never let this much time pass by without visiting her. I love her so much and am so grateful to her for raising me up the way she did. I admire her for who and why she is who she is. I just can't put into words the significance of her presence in my life except for one way.

Mother.

She's my Mother. I love her for everything.

Where do the minutes go?

2010-10-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

The next two months are going to fly by for me. Emily's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. After that, 35 year mile marker & 13th wedding anniversary. Half of my thirties are over and can I just say, where the frig did they go? Because I've been feeling like a zombie and in baby mode for a lot of that time.

Emily's 4th birthday. I am so happy to see this milestone arrive and yet each day I look at her and realize how quickly she's grown from a baby to this not a toddler, not yet a kid stage and I get a little pang of sadness. It lasts about a minute and then I start doing the happy dance that EMILY'S GOING TO BE FOUR!!! Fourteen more to go. LOL - Just kidding. She keeps us all on the edge of our seats and we're loving every minute of it. Yeah, every adorable minute.

Just look at her....

Thanksgiving will be particularly busy this year because I'm planning a trip to see my mother in Tennessee. I'm so nervous about this for many reasons. One being away from the kids and leaving Jamie to fend for himself. The second being the worst and that is the potential of this visit with mom being my last real memory of us together. She might even have moments that she doesn't know who I am since dementia is starting to steal her memories through parts of the day. I'm not sure what it'll be like but it certainly isn't going to be easy. I try not to go there in my mind too much because it's like losing her even though she's still here. I can't just stand on the bridge waiting until it's time to cross. It's too painful.

December will be a little bit more lighthearted. I have two small children who are going to freak OUT over Santa and his endless generosity. Okay, so it won't be endless - my check book isn't that big, but we'll have fun. I'll bake, play carols on Pandora and light candles. I look forward to decorating and watching the anticipation build. It's my favorite time of year, children most certainly keep you young if nothing else.

10

2010-10-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

I think it's important to throw up a middle finger to the crappy things in life and remember the awesomeness. Here are ten fabulous things in my life that I can not deny are awesome, flaws and all.

In no particular order....

Mail - there isn't a day that goes by that I don't enjoy or love checking the mail and even more now that I have Netflix.

Facebook - I have contemplated deleting my account because it sometimes freaks me out how available and vulnerable I am on there. But there's nothing like feeling connected to people. It means so much to me that I can reach out in one space to family, old friends and people who live far from me. Which is basically everyone I know except my family.

My daughters (I said, NO PARTICULAR ORDER!) Doesn't this just go without saying? I love my kids so much it makes my bones ache. I can't imagine a day without them and when they grow up and wander from my nest life will be a lot less colorful. They make everyday a rainbow. And also a tornado, but remember, this is about the positive in my life :)

Memories - mine are precious and dear to me. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, amazing memories. I just don't care what they are, I need to remember them because they left marks on me and I am woven uniquely and awesomely because of them.

Flannel sheets - it is nearly November in upstate New York. Need I elaborate any further?

Sisters - I grew up in a separate house and still. There are ebbs and flows at times with both of them. Sometimes we grow a little further apart than we'd like but sometimes we're as close as peas in a pod. I love them more now than I have ever in my lifetime and I'm a better person because they love me unconditionally.

Coffee talk - for the coffee and the talk. Girlfriends are a good part of life.

True Blood - this show gives Jamie and I something to watch together. It's raunchy and gross sometimes but intense and fun. We both really like it and it's nice to have something that is just for us that the kids are definitely not allowed to watch.

Pumpkin Bread - I'm kind of addicted to making this bread, so moist and delicious. I love, love, love a little toooo much.

Jamie - can't make a list of good stuff and not include my best friend. It's not always about romance and flowers but it's always about love and commitment. I get mad at him sometimes but he is who I want to spend my forever with.

For what it's worth...

2010-10-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

I went to see a psychic medium tonight. Her name is Cindy Newcomb and I have to say that the experience was worth the overpriced admission ticket. The party was held at a friends house and only 12 people were allowed to attend the intimate party.

I went there for entertainment value first and didn't expect anything major to happen; I've been to these types of gatherings before and never really got what I was hoping for but tonight was different. My father, who passed when I was three years old, spoke through her this time. Interestingly enough, and probably the reason why I am writing this at all, he said that he read the things that I wrote about him. At first I didn't really think about this little blog I have wasting away in cyberland and then I remembered!! I have written here and there about him and the impact his death has had on my life right here on this blog! Now she has my attention. She then asked if cardinals meant anything to me and I about fell out of my chair. I see them all the time. I mean all the time, several times a day even. He told her that he sends them to me. She also asked if I sing and that he thought that I should sing more.

It wasn't as intimate as I had hoped and then it hit me. Why would it have been intimate? We don't know each other at all. There was absolutely no relationship there to reminisce, I don't even have a single photograph of him and I together. It was exactly the experience I would have had if he were still alive and we had just met. That made me feel better, he was polite and waited his turn and didn't overwhelm me with stuff that would have made me sad. He said that he watched over my babies and spoke of Emily and how she was a little hard to handle (Cindy used the word tsunami) but that he really liked her and that we need to leave her alone because she is just fine. He thinks she's a cute as a button. Funny they share the same sign. Maybe she's got a little of her grandpa in her, who knows.

All I know is, although my wallet has a little less money in it, I am pretty sure that the moments I shared with my daddy tonight will stick with me for years to come and every time I see a red bird stealing crackers from my girls' picnic table I will smile a little wider knowing that an angel that I never got to meet is watching over me and my girls.

Rainy Day Woman

2010-06-09T11:29:00.000-07:00

Our weather has been so perfect lately that I've almost craved a long rainy day. One of those days where it never starts to let up for anything. Rain, rain go away kind of day. Today is my new friend's birthday. I had her and her younger kids over for lunch and ice cream cake. It was a fun but crazy time because all of the kids were in crank mode. One right after the other, each took their allotted time to bawl and cause a fuss. Abby was first which surprised me because she's always so happy go lucky.

I am humbled in light of my new friend. A single mother to four young children. An abusive asshole for an ex who loves nothing more than to ruin her day. Bad situation all around and there's no where to breathe. I'm just speechless when confronted with the notion that could be me and not her. Nothing saved me but luck. And nothing will...gives me chills the pressure she's under. I do whatever I can do to help. It's teaching me and that is a good thing. Another one of those lasting friendships in the making. Or so I hope. Girl needs a good break and I can't say I haven't had mine. Pay it forward is the most rewarding thing to do. We're helping each other anyway. I've been wanting a friend who had lots of time like me that I could hang and share life with while my husband works and she seems like the perfect choice.

So that is good right? I'm busier, and have less time to myself but that was kinda the point I imagine. Anyway, things are great.

And now for some really freaking rad pictures of my garden. Yes, I planted this mostly by myself and I am A W E SOME! I can't help it.

I couldn't have planned it better if I tried.

2010-05-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day weekend was absolutely perfect. We have had more time relaxing and enjoying the nice weather than we've had as a family in a long time. I feel so relaxed,rejuvenated, exhausted, all of it but incredibly satisfied with my family and the manner we spent our holiday.

It started Friday night with an evening out singing with Frankie. We practice every Friday evening after the man gets home from work. It's an awesome night to practice because I'm usually ready and fit to be tied by the time Friday night rolls around, it's a great way to blow off steam and get ready to face the weekend craziness. I was back in by 11:00 pm. Unheard of because I love to stop off at my dive just down the way for a few beers and some tunes. There wasn't much going on there so I left early and found the man still awake and ready to hang out for a while. I was pretty happy to see his excitement and I treated him to a fried snack and some light conversation right before we ended up having some much needed connecting time alone. It was an awesome ending to a great evening.

Saturday was great, no chores day we decided, lunch out and evening dinner was light and easy. We relaxed in the sun and had another perfect night followed by more connecting time for Jim and I if you get what I mean there. This day wasn't going down in history as the best but the weather was perfect and the mood was very calm and relaxing thanks to many hours of reggae on Pandora. So yeah, another awesome day.

Sunday started out the same. We had a great morning with the kids. Early afternoon the babies napped. At the same time. I felt like I was winning the freaking laundry for crying out loud. I made a pie for dinner at a friends and a small veggie plate to share. We spent the late afternoon and evening visiting and enjoying their adorable kiddie size swimming pool. All the kids went hog wild and we all enjoyed a couple of cold ones and good conversation. The food was great, the company was better and at the end the pie was fabulous, vanilla cream, baby! Sydney brought her friend home to spend the night and we finished it off playing wii for a while and just enjoyed a late night with the kids.

Monday met us with the same tone and we just couldn't get over it all. Lots of chores were finished up, things we've put off for weeks. It was really nice. I made a delish pizza for lunch from scratch. Can I just say that I think I've found my crust for life? And that I kicked the pizza makers of the world's ass with my creation today? Just sayin'. The girls took another nap at the same time and I was beginning to wonder what deal was made with the devil and when it was to be cashed in because that was the only explanation that made any sense. Seriously? Naps two days in a row for the both of them at the same time? NEVER HAPPENS!

Our garden is growing magnificently and we had the most perfect weather for 4 days straight. Tonight it's drizzling outside and cooling off the ground. It was just the perfect weekend. I couldn't have asked for better anything. I will come back to this memory and post again sometime soon to remind myself that life has it's rewards and blessings :D

Absence makes the heart grow.

2010-05-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

Crazy how a little vitamin D has hoisted me back up among the sane. Turns out I was a little low even two weeks ago so I bet you a million the winter did a number on me. All that aside, there is still inner growth and awareness that I'd like to continue to nurture. The journey still proceeds, some days at a slower pace than others. I am still trying to be more mindful of the conversations I'm having and learning to listen to what people have to say. There are times when the excitement gets the better of me and I can't keep my big mouth shut but otherwise I'm doing pretty well. There are lots of times where I think of it during a conversation instead of after and that is called progress!

I have gotten closer to a new friend I'm sure that I spoke of here before. I was hesitant to push myself on this person because I felt like it might not have been the right fit but lately things are going well. We're more alike than I had originally thought, though she does indulge in the darker side of things which isn't great for me but I'm staying grounded. In return, I bring out the healthier side of her by coaxing her to workout with me. Win, win!

I have most of my garden in. We are slow to get it planted this year but our peas are amazing already and we have beets, carrots and lettuce sprouting. Today I dug and tilled by hand two more big rows and threw in some broccoli and spinach. I am really hoping to be productive in harvesting and cleaning up the food we grow so we can make the most of it. I would love to freeze and can a ton of things since food is getting more and more expensive every day. My grocery bill is KILLING me right now!

Singing is going well, although the contest I was in brought me nothing. Well I can't say nothing, since that is how Frankie found me. I got what I needed from that this year and Frankie and I are practicing once a week now. We have one set tight but need to get working on more songs so we can fill up our gigs with no pressure. I can't complain since we've only put about 5 hours into the 15 songs we have now. Nothing crazy exciting coming out of this but I will get to sing and perform. I can't think of anything else I'd rather do on my spare time than sing. She and I are really compatible together singing as well as socially so it looks very promising. Now if we can just get a booking and we'll be golden. Soon, I hope!

I have a little update on my brother for those of you who read this and know his situation. He's doing well for himself considering he's in jail and I have to say that he's taking a lot of opportunities and making the most of them. He's very close to his GED and will be taking some official carpentry classes, which he's basically done as a trade since he was 14. He has been taking care of himself and working out like crazy. Normal for inmates I guess but I'm just happy that he's making the most of his time in. The counseling he'll get there will take care of his requirement to get his license back and when he gets out he'll be way further ahead than when he went in so you could say prison catapulted him towards a few goals he's been shoving under a rug and ignoring. I'm proud of him. I hope that when he is out this fall that he can take his new found freedom away from Tracy and get himself into a job that will give him something to work towards. I would love for him to find a nice girl and a life of his own maybe even a family.

In other news, Abby turned 2, Sydney has nearly completed elementary school, Emily has uncontrollable emotions that send her into demonic states of rage. Oh, wait, that isn't news! Never mind that. The rest is true though. We are reaching lots of milestones here. I am proud of my family, the girls are a huge blessing and I will make it through puberty with each and every one of them. That is called wishful thinking. Whatever works!

Dos vedanya! Until I get another twenty minutes to sit and purge as much as possible so you will keep coming back to read about my ridiculous life. :) Just another day.... (I have tried to write something a gazillionjillion times, but I have a case of the toddlers!)

Speaking of....Abby wants a peanut butter sammich!

Something in a Sunday

2010-03-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

Sunday is an either way day for me. I either feel amazingly close to all my family and friends or the loneliest of lonely. More often than not it's the latter. I think Johnny Cash sang it best... (Kris Kristoffereson wrote the song - man, he wrote some good country tunes, no?)

"On the Sunday morning sidewalk,
Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cos there's something in a Sunday,
Makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothin' short of dyin',
Half as lonesome as the sound,
On the sleepin' city sidewalks:
Sunday mornin' comin' down."

I've had this talk a million times with my sister. About how hard Sundays are for the both of us at times. I was reminded when I saw a FB update of one of my friends. Sunday's seem to be the hardest for her right now too.

When I think long and hard on these sad Sundays, I feel rather grateful in a guilt filled sort of way. What makes me so worthy of a healthy family, a great husband and all the love I could possibly hope for? It's hard accepting that gift sometimes. I'm the kind of person who wants it all for everyone. It's incredibly difficult for me to watch someone go through life with less than what I have and not try and fix it. It's frustrating to me that the rest of the world doesn't feel the same. We should all have equal everything. Why does one person deserve to have riches beyond measure and another struggle just to have a strange bed to sleep in at night?

Now I'm sad again. Something in a Sunday I guess. I wish I could do more for people who need and deserve it. I wish Life were a little more about fair and a little less about luck.

Spring time is the right time!

2010-03-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

I love Spring. It's always such a refreshing change to feel the warmth of the sun and see colors come to life. In fact, I had a crocus bloom in my front yard the other day and I knew it wouldn't be long before I could enjoy the outdoors with the girls more often. We are putting up an addition to our swing set we have now that has a slide and a sand box. I hope they like it.

I've got a new development in the friend category. I've been keeping up with the family room at school and I'm finally starting to make some headway with the new friends. There has been more sharing and outside activities to go along with our group play at school. The other day a some of us got together and went for a walk with our kids and we have another scheduled this morning after the girls' gymnastic play session. I've invited another girl to go on my nightly runs because she seemed interested in getting in better shape. So we'll see if that pans out. I really like her company, I tend to be a little eager for her but I know after time passes that she will begin to trust and realize what a loyal friend I am.

So yeah, I'm doing it! It's not easy finding a place in a small town like this. You're always going to be that person that moved here a few years ago because EVERYONE is related in some way, shape, or form. They either married one of the "relatives" or are one of them. I am confident, though, that over time, a shift will happen. I don't need a huge network of people but a few close friends would be great.

I can't wait to churn up our garden. Soon! It will be so nice to get some dirt under my fingernails and tend something other than children. I am worried though, last year we had a bit of blight, er, a lot of blight. I'm worried those spores are going to pop up again this year. I might need to do something about my tomatoes, maybe create a new bed for them or something. I have read that you shouldn't plant them there again for a while. I guess some research is in order.

Emily is in a bit of a naught(ier) stage these days. She's always been a bit on the intense side but lately her tantrums are driving me to drink. It's been a little ridiculous lately. She's not quite 3 1/2. So I guess I had better buckle my seat belt and take it one day at a time. Or one tantrum at a time. There are many in the course of a day. Usually when they're developing too quickly intellectually, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to hold their shit so to speak. Any little thing triggers her and there's no reasoning with her. She can't control her emotions and she can surely get some pissed off. She's loud!! I will work harder on raising her than Abby and Sydney combined I do believe. My husband and I joke that Abby came along for condolences. For both my husband and I, but Sydney too! She get's to have her as a sister and I am not so sure how fulfilling that will always be.

Abby? Is an angel from heaven. Yesterday she peed on my couch and when I scolded her she just flashed those long lashes around with her sparkly eyes and said "sorry". It softened the blow slightly but pee on the couch sucks.

Have I blogged about my singing? I can't remember. Anyway, after a night of karaoke a woman approached me to join her duo. We met last Saturday and have a pretty good sound together. I do believe this is going to turn into another "something" for me to do that gives me a little less mother and a little more Europa. Which is awesome!

That's about the size of it all these days. I'm still not clouding my thoughts with puff the magic dragon, though I would say some days I could use a little help from my friend. I do feel like a new woman since putting that to rest. It just doesn't suit me to do that all the time. I would like to find a good balance of recreational use but maybe I'm not capable of that right now.

Either way, things are definitely better than the place I was a month ago. February is a sad month for me every single year. Is that why I have so many celebratory days? Anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day? It's all in February. The presents soften the blow some. Especially the garnet earrings Jamie gave to me :)

On challenging yourself.

2010-03-09T04:58:00.000-08:00

My brain has been sucked right out of my head over the past few years. Several reasons stemming from the same bed of flowers. Two pregnancies, two babies, three years of intermittent sleep. I was drowning in diapers, binkies, and laundry. I'm still drowning in laundry but what a difference it makes having one potty trained and one on the way. I remember changing 5 or 6 poop diapers practically every single day. I never want to revisit those days again. I can't even imagine how octomom must feel on any given day. Or maybe she has her other 45 kids change all the diapers, who knows.

What happens when one is consumed with the mundane tasks life throws at us is our brains don't get fed as often. I read one book maybe. I read mom blogs and other ramblings on the internet but nothing that fed me or challenged me to understand something that was beyond my reach intellectually. I'm beginning to remedy that.

My husband's aunt is an avid reader. I really admire that about her and love to listen to all of her wisdom which she acquires mostly through reading. Whether it be her coveted vocabulary or just her knowledge in general, I'd like to be more like her in that regard. Also, I enjoy a good storybook and love the escape it gives you when you're peering into the writer's creative world. Perhaps if I could up my reading skills I might be able to better comprehend other more technical writing or find a fever for current events. Who knows.

You have to begin somewhere so I've been allowing myself some time with books lately. Some are just simple self help type books that challenge the way I think about life. Another book I've taken a liking to is a little more challenging and I am finding that I really enjoy taking the time to read a paragraph that might be a little out of my reach and figure out what it's trying to say. Albeit slowly. :)

I like that I'm doing this and it makes me happy. I would like to live up to my potential and this is just one way of doing so. It feels great to try new things and instead of giving up, enduring through something and teaching myself to understand. I wish I had realized when I was young that learning was so important, that challenging yourself meant something. I guess it is just another part of my family's culture, being labor type folk. They didn't really concern themselves with higher learning. There are only a handful of high school graduates from my aunts and uncles and even fewer college graduates through out my entire family.

I like changing my mentality. I enjoy proving to my family, and to myself, that we can be different. That diligence and dreams pay off. That we're capable of achieving more than just getting by.

So, I'm feeding my brain and it makes me happy.

Something great is happening here.

2010-03-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

I have definitely felt a shift inside myself. A long time coming if you ask me. We moved here five years ago and since then I've waited for something to happen but nothing ever really took shape.

Wonder why? Within 15 minutes of meeting everyone I dropped the information that I wasn't here for the long haul. We were here for Jamie's graduate work and moving on. Who in their right mind would bother to take the time for someone who seems closed off right out of the gate?

I do give myself some credit. I joined the PTA and tried to get involved there, but again, I wasn't talking or sharing the right parts of me. I encouraged Sydney to join Girl Scouts, but yet another wash in terms of finding a place for me. The group of women involved in both groups were definitely not the people I was supposed to be with I don't think. There weren't any connections there and it all felt very forced. I wasn't completely at fault, but I admit I didn't try very hard after feeling that initial sting of rejection.

Since joining the ladies at the Family Room inside the elementary school my daughter attends, a whole new world has opened up for me. A world with friends in it!! I can't even begin to describe what a relief this has been. I still have work to do with regards to building relationships but we're getting there. I am still working on listening more and not dominating a conversation. I try really hard to be thoughtful when I'm there but sometimes my mouth gets the better of me. Not in an ignorant way, just a little too enthusiastic perhaps. People want to know me, but first they want to share themselves and I'm so eager to share myself that I get a little ahead of the game.

I also have a bit of other news to share! News that I have been thinking about non stop since the weekend.

I missed out on a trip to visit with my mother last week that has been planned for a few months. Figures the weekend I picked to go would be the time we get the one big storm in our neck of the woods for the entire winter. All my flights were canceled. Good news is I can reschedule without paying any fees and I think Tennessee might be a lot more inviting in April or May anyway.

Instead of wallowing for the weekend and feeling sorry for myself I decided to stay positive and make other plans. Luckily, my mother in law drove up to help my husband with the girls while I was on my supposed trip. She was here to watch our girls for us. I got to go out and compete in a karaoke contest with my husband to cheer me on! I was amazed at the boost in my confidence level knowing he was there to watch me. I didn't win, but close! I missed the top prize by only 1 point, but I qualified for the big contest the end of April which has 5 cash prizes ranging from $500.00 - $100.00 and a top prize for a trip to VEGAS!!

I was bummed that I missed out on the $100.00 prize for the evening, but not so much because the winner sang a wicked tight Sublime tune and although my vocals were better (said by everyone there), his performance was pretty sweet. Both my husband and I really enjoyed what he brought to the evening.

In the end, the night ended up being pretty fantastic actually. Jamie and I haven't been to a place like that together in a very long time and we both enjoyed it a lot. Plus the most amazing thing happened that night! Another woman approached me and gave me her demo CD to listen to and asked if I was interested in joining her in forming a duo. I took a listen the next day and gave her a call. She has all her own equipment and she plays small gigs a couple times a month. The person she sings with now has too much going on and she'd like to work with someone different, ME!!

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect arrangement. I don't want to be in a high stress environment with a bunch of dudes in a band. I want low key, I want to sing, and I want people watching me! haha. Yes, I want to showboat a little and gain confidence, who doesn't want to share what they're good at? If you don't use your talent you get rusty so I couldn't be more excited about the possibilities of this opportunity. If it works out well I could get out a few times or more each month and get to do what I love. AND MAKE MONEY at the same time!!!! :)

So I'm happy, it wasn't how I pictured myself using my talent years ago, but it is what will work for my family and for me right now. So in my book that is nothing short of amazing.

Keep it in the family.

2010-02-28T16:28:00.001-08:00

I know everyone has their burdens, their skeletons, their crosses to carry. Some people come out the other side with minimal injury, some people spend a lifetime living the same cycle over and over because changing doesn't seem possible.

My sisters and I have all struggled to become better mothers than ours was. It doesn't mean we don't love her or appreciate her for what she tried to do, just that she really wasn't equipped. We don't want our sons and daughters to struggle in the same ways we all have and so it's our mission to educate, talk, love, listen, help in whatever ways we are capable of. We support one another and talk about the job we're doing. Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses, but I'd say the cycle of silence and ignorance is over. The buck stops with us and I especially will be damned if my girls are ever faced with raising themselves because I can't be bothered.

One person who hasn't grown with us in this way was our brother. Our Michael. The one who got lost in the shuffle. The one who decided that escape was a better choice for him. I imagine one reason was because he's a boy and didn't have the same maternal pull we had to clean up our act and change for our children. That is a powerful emotion that courses through your veins, nothing can sever that bond a mother has with her child. It's powerful, instinctual, the very basis of what makes a woman the nurturer.

When he became a father at the age of 15 he wasn't any where near armed with the grit he needed to be the provider and protector of his son. When he became a father he was a scared little boy in a young man's body but hadn't a clue what was needed or expected of him and he let that role wash away with the tide. It was easier. He knew he couldn't be who he needed, or he thought he couldn't. Which is where I'm really going here.

My brother hasn't had a single person believe in him I don't think. I am just really understanding this now because I've taken such a long time to grow myself. It's been such tedious work that I hadn't really thought much about Michael. I forgot about his heart and how he must feel so beaten down. Our mother tried to do her best by him, he was her baby boy, but our step father was hard as nails on him. I think mirroring his own father perhaps but it really fucked Mike up.

Since I can remember, he's always being the butt of all the jokes. The loser who wouldn't amount to anything. He took cues from the rest of the world and started to use humor as a way to deflect the pain the ridicule must have caused him in his life. He drank, acted stupid, and people laughed. The only time it seemed people liked him was when they could laugh with him, or at him. He could face the world and feel welcomed was when he was partying with them. Which sucks so many different ways from Sunday if you ask me. Once he was picked on at a party so bad that people threw him in the fire. He wasn't badly injured physically that day but what about emotionally? With each incident, each haunting laugh echoing through his mind, what happened to his spirit? It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it.

When he was real young he had friends, misfits like himself who drank and acted rowdy. Boys will be boys. One night he and two of his friends were tooling the neighborhood, drinking and probably smoking pot. Their car left the road and when it flipped over, one of his friends was thrown from the car. Wwhen the car stopped turning it landed on his friend and was crushing him. Three boys having the night of their life and suddenly the earth stood still. The other friend, Russel, and my brother tried to lift it but couldn't so Russel left to get help. Meanwhile my brother sat there with his friend and watched over him, pleaded with the car to move, lifted and tugged and pulled with all his 13 year old strength and eventually watched his friend die.

Powerless.

Weak.

Utterly destroyed and left to blame himself for the rest of his life.

He couldn't lift the car, he couldn't get help fast enough, he couldn't save his life. He was just one big fuck up who couldn't do anything right.

Our father died the exact same way except it was a tractor that took his last breath away. It took his life and took the father that we all needed away from us. Each of us, voiceless, no say in whether we got to have a dad or not. We didn't get to know if he loved us. Mike needed him as much as we all did and then some.

So ironic for him to be sitting there powerless while his friend died the same way our father we never knew died. I wonder if he thought of him while he sat with David during the last hour of his life. I doubt it but still I wonder. It only occurs to me as I write, the coincidence of it all.

Wow.

And these little pieces of Mike's tragedy are just tiny fragments of the losses he's suffered. The pain that he must feel and always he has picked himself up enough to continue on another day. Maybe to drink another day, maybe to be stoned another day, but always another day.

No one got him counseling for this I don't think. I was only 11 when this took place, but I remember my grandmother coming to me and telling me what happened. I felt sad but I had no idea the gravity it held at the time. Children don't understand those types of difficulties for a reason. Perhaps it is God's way of protecting us from the darkness of life. Either way, I wish that I had visited this again with my brother later down the road, but I didn't.

And now I'm sorry, but I'm making up for it in other ways.

Mike has been given a wonderful opportunity under the worst of circumstances. He's in jail. There's no where to run, there's no booze to hide behind and he's managing to keep away from pot even though it's available to him. He's afraid to lose good time and he just wants out as soon as he can.

That isn't going to happen for another 9 months and two years following his incarceration he will be on probation with two years of prison hovering if he screws up.

Last week his girlfriend, who in my opinion is just a white trash hoe bag slut anyway, with her own set of baggage and problems, kicked him to the curb. I couldn't be happier. I'm taking full advantage of his misfortune and convincing him it's good fortune instead. Full access to free counseling which he'll need to get his license back, GED classes to finish his high school education, all tucked away in confinement where his meals and room and board are provided. I keep convincing him to accept his fate and make the very most of this time to get his shit together. I'm reminding my sisters every day to do the same. It's Mike's turn to change his stars.

He is the kindest, sweetest, , funniest, most generous person I know and I love him so much. I just don't want him to feel that pain in his life anymore. I don't want him to listen to the voice inside that tears him down. I want him to find happiness and a life with someone who will believe in him. I believe wonderful things are in store for him if he lets his light shine. As corny as that sounds, it's true. Everyone has blown it out over and over again for one reason or another but I'm hoping to put a blow torch to that son of a bitch and put a strong fortress of support around him. In this one moment, everything could change if we all work together.

I am my family's beacon. I believe this with all my heart. I think because of my bravery, I will help those willing to change their lives. I have been told twice in the past year that I was a healer. Once by a self proclaimed healer and once by a respected psychic in our area. I believe this now even though others may laugh or mock me. When the healer spoke to me last year I told him that I didn't know what he meant or what I was supposed to heal. I kind of chuckled and chocked it up to being something silly someone told me once. He told me then that when the time was right I would know what I was going to be used for. Well now I think I know.

I think I'm supposed to help people heal their hearts. I'm going to start with Michael's if he'll let me.

Dear Universe, Are you trying to tell me something?

2010-02-23T10:22:00.001-08:00

I don't know if I can even put my experiences from just this one morning into words. It has been one hell of a day.

I'll start with one of the goals I have set for myself lately. I don't want to yell at my kids and show extreme impatience because I don't like that mom. I am not going to be that mom and the only person who can keep that mother at bay is ME. So I have been on a quest to breathe and relax when I get upset because that is what grown ups do. We take the hard right over the easy wrong.

Let me tell you right now, it's as if the universe is connected right to my very soul right now because I have been given many opportunities to be calm and take it in stride this week. I have been given trigger after trigger to face and I haven't passed every single test but I have passed enough that I know it's possible for me to be who I want to be with careful and thoughtful decisions.

This morning it seemed like one thing after another and each were little tests to my commitment to change. I handled everything really well and was feeling so proud of myself. And then another test.

The reason I had to revisit some hurtful memories this week was because my alcoholic aunt decided it was her mission to save someone else by sharing a personal part of my life with them while she was drunk. Her intentions - I truly believe were innocent. She's a drunk, she doesn't think clearly when she's inebriated. She spins little webs of excuses and lies to make herself feel better for all the pain she has suffered and caused in her life. So I give to her forgiveness for that reason. I didn't confront her, I just let it go and let the rest play out and let the cards fall where they may. All the while focusing on my own life, my goals, and the obstacles I'm facing here. I knew if I did approach her it would be in anger, and I would say unhealthy, hurtful things that did nothing but fuel a raging fire that is out of control.

I am proud of that decision for one reason. I didn't try to clean up a mess because I felt like I had done something wrong, or lash out in anger to seek revenge because I knew it would hurt me even more. Wait, that's two reasons. Neeeevermind...moving on.

Instead, I wrote a heartfelt letter to the other party this gossip involved and confided that I believed in him and to take this opportunity to dig out the skeletons and help himself find peace within. I love this person so much that I would do anything I could if it meant that they could have the same lucky breaks I have had. I want so bad for him to be happy because he deserves it. Everyone does. It's just a matter of believing it and taking the steps to fix what is causing you problems in life.

Today, however, was the day that I was to be confronted. She called while I was out testing my patience and grabbing some groceries with my two youngest girls because I'm going way on Thursday to see my mother in Tennessee for four days sans my family. In an effort to thwart off any guilt I am making sure it's extra easy on those left behind. Anyway, she left a message on my machine to the effect that she knew I was home and just avoiding her but if I wanted to talk about what happened I should call her.

So I gave myself some time to grab my confidence and took her up on her suggestion. Not in anger, not in disgust. She hasn't accepted that life can be better if she let the truth in and had the strength to beat her demons, that she was in charge of her life not the liquor. Much like I feel sometimes when I allow self pity and regret to take over. So I empathized. Which is SO HEALTHY! Okay, I know I'm patting myself on the back here but my family history is so damned ugly that most would run for the hills and write off their childhood as a loss and tuck it away without really facing the issues. So I'm proud of myself. I can't help it.

She started the conversation pretty defensive and I remained calm despite not understanding her point of view (heh). I spoke up for myself and explained that while I understand where she was coming from, she spoke of something that wasn't her business, and not in a way that would warrant her to do so. She was drunk. Just that alone makes it wrong for me. It just does. This information she shared is so personal and painful that I have spent years, YEARS trying to forgive myself and others involved so that I could move on and live my life without the constant stream of thoughts in my mind that scream "You are a piece of shit, no good for nothing, never going to amount to anything human being that deserves to die." These are the things I hear every day, the comments I fight against because my girls need a healthy mother. I will break this cycle if it is the last fucking thing I do.

She apologized, I accepted. The story continued and I was as honest with her as I could be. She admits she's an alcoholic and she was wrong to share my pain in the way she did. When I asked her why she continues to live this life she replied with, "because I like the taste of beer". Okay, so I guess you're not ready yet then. I did gently remind her that she is alone for a reason and that she could ask anyone she knows in her life whether or not they believe she puts alcohol before anything else in her life and they will all tell her the same thing. I told her that I loved her and hoped that someday she would do right by herself and become clean. That we all loved her, but we didn't love her behavior. She made a hundred different excuses for herself and I resigned that I had said my piece and that was ALL I could do.

I did all of this from such a calmest of places inside of me. I can't explain it any other way than to say that my angel was just there embracing me and holding me so tight so I could be strong and hold it together. I cried here and there but I said what she needed to hear because most people in her life are so over her that they won't even give her the time of day to plead with her anymore, that includes the countless ex-husbands and four children she has. She has pushed every single person out of her life but her mother.

I did the right thing today. And not only that, I remained calm in the eye of the storm when Emily through a major tantrum when I was at my lowest point after the phone call had ended. So for that I thank God, or the Universe, or Mother Earth, or whatever power was hovering over me because it was definitely there holding me up so that I could be a voice for them. The messenger, the helper, the healer. I did it. And I feel so good about it and regardless of the consequences of my actions I did it.

I took the hard right over the easy wrong.

I think I can do this!

2010-02-22T09:44:00.001-08:00

On Mondays and Wednesdays we have playgroup at the school. Emily finally feels comfortable enough there to throw a tantrum (that was awesome! heh). But that isn't what this is about.

I don't get a lot of social interaction so these times are some of the only opportunities that I have to practice really connecting to other women. I didn't start going until this year and probably the main reason why I am so inept in social situations these days. I'm not sure I've always been such an introvert but I do know that the behaviors I'm looking to change right now have always been there. Again, all innocent, but still unfavorable.

I caught myself when I was about to interrupt and guess what a new friend was going to say. Turns out I was off base anyway so I was really happy that I didn't dominate and just listened to her instead. It felt good to be actively aware of myself and making a true effort to change the way I do interact in social situations.

There is another woman there who I enjoy very much and would like to become better friends with. Her patience with the three small children she brings to play (two are hers and one she babysits), the constant smile on her face despite some real difficulties she is facing being a newly single mother to 4, she inspires me to be better with my own kids and to be grateful that I have someone to depend on when days are tough. I am trying to find a way to be part of her life but I'm not sure she's looking or needing a new friend. She knows everyone here and already has a full roster of friends. I feel awkward and often put my foot in my mouth by saying things that are meant to be nice but come out as insensitive, or my paranoia sets in and it's neither. I suppose some patience and understanding are in order here. I can't control the situation and make her be my friend but if it is meant for me to be part of her life, if there is something for me to offer her than it will be.

Patience isn't my virtue of virtues. I've been so lonely for the past 5 years that it is very difficult to ease up a bit and just chill. All good things though, right?

Anyway, a small step in a positive direction. I am proud of the progress I made. I will not bash myself into the ground because one relationship isn't right for another person or me. Maybe I'm being sheltered for some reason because I have a bad habit of doing too much for people and getting taken advantage of. I don't need that in my life. Whatever the reason it's not my fault.

HOLY? I can almost smell the confidence dripping from me today.

Insomnia and more clarity.

2010-02-21T08:36:00.000-08:00

Two nights of insomnia this week and tons of internal dialogue later and I have made a few more strides personally.

I acknowledge that I have sounded like a broken record for such a long time that I actually believe the bad outweighs any good in reference to my character as a person. I have cried and cried for help but could never seem to get to where I needed to be. I've always wondered why but realize now that acceptance doesn't come in the form of a party, or a friend, or lover, or even the most trusted person in my life.

It has to come from me. I have been so busy trying to get approval from the world when the only person who needed to give it was me.

DING, DING, DING!!!

I've known this forever but wasn't listening apparently because I continued to fall into the same old behaviors and patterns that kept me buried deep in regret and self pity. I have made some improvements through a year of therapy but not enough to make enough of a difference because there has always been that slippery slope just waiting for me to fall over the edge. I still engaged in risky behaviors and still told myself over and over that I wasn't worth the penny at the bottom of a drain hole.

I had to revisit a very embarrassing memory this week. A dirty little not so secret memory that has been the root of most of the difficulties I've had to endure personally. It has kept me running and unwilling to look back for fear of god knows what - being unlovable, or judged, and hated. It felt like I was caught up in a massive twister continuously spiraling out of control. I didn't have time to think about the shame if I didn't hit the ground.

All of the things in my life that have molded me into this insecure woman that I'm working so hard to banish are all so intricately hardwired into the other that it's almost impossible to put into words. Since I had to revisit and deal with this memory again a lot of other difficult memories have resurfaced as a result.

It's stressful to be there. To remember. To relive.

I guess that is God's way or the Universe's way (I don't like to label the power source very much) of telling me that the journey wasn't over, not by a long shot. There is still more work to be done, obviously, because of all the sadness I still feel inside. If I truly want freedom from my demons I have to forgive myself and let them go. I have to lay my burdens down for good to find peace and happiness. And to shut that little bitch up that tells I'm not good enough.

I am trying so fucking hard. You have no idea. It causes so much unnecessary pain and self hatred that I can not hold onto anymore without crumbling under the pressure. It's not easy to let go of something you've let define you for most of your life, though, and it doesn't happen just because you want it to. It takes hard work, but worthy work.

For me.

For them. I can't teach my girls how to reach their full potential as strong women if I am but a small fraction of my own potential.

It stings.

The book I spoke of in my last post has been a wonderful tool this week. I think forgiveness begins with the tiny changes I make in my life that are unworthy of my time. If I can change the coping mechanisms and break down walls of fear and anger then I can get closer to the meat of the issue. Right? I mean I am no therapist but forgiveness and self hatred are counterproductive. Changing bad behaviors and letting go of the "small stuff" would be a good place to start don't you think?

Forgiveness, confidence, loving myself for the good in me and reminding myself that I'm human and we all have made mistakes is where it's at. It's like the heart that pumps blood through our veins which keeps us alive and thriving. Each vein, each artery, each muscle, every part of us is connected in very unique and meaningful ways. When one area is closed off something suffers. My journey is to flush out the bad and let the love flow baby. Let the love FLOW and course through my veins because I deserve it. I'm not ugly, unforgivable, unlovable or any of the other things the crazy bitch in my head tells me I am.

More clarity. It feels good.

In case you didn't notice? I LOVE TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS.

PS - I haven't used any type of unhealthy means of escape in over a week - in the form of substances anyway. I guess to let the light in you have to feel the darkness too. It has been worth it.

Aha moment!

2010-02-19T04:20:00.000-08:00

My head is all over the place these days. I guess that is what staying home does for a person if you allow it. Too much time with your "self". I am busy but obviously not always present and my thoughts have been allowed "free range" so to speak and that is not okay with me anymore because that's where my unhappiness stems from. The fact that I don't have fulfilling relationships in my life is a true testament to that emptiness I feel. I have a ton of "friends" but lack true connections with anyone and I'd like to change that about me. Not just with girlfriends in my life but with my daughters as they grow. They need an example to go by and I want to be a good one for them so it doesn't take them so long to get a clue.

I'm reading a book that seems to be really helping me put things into perspective. I'm calling it my new bible because there are so many things we can do to bring peace and happiness into our lives that are addressed in this book only I don't go to hell for not following all the rules all the time.

This may not be new to any one who knows me personally, but I have been extremely self absorbed and living in my own bubble. I don't mean that you think I'm a bad person or uncaring and selfish, just that I have been living in my own head and not necessarily aware of much else. I know all kinds of things about a lot of people but have I been present in their life in a meaningful way? I don't really think so. I go about my days being a person who loves and gives but at the end of the day most of what I have done has been self serving in one way or another.

It's an awakening of sorts I guess. My big aha! moment if you will. I have carried these little tid bits of information with me but haven't acted on them. Actions speak louder than words, right? Thinking it hasn't been enough and will never be enough.

So off on my journey I go. My first goal is to be a better listener. That means no interrupting, no finishing sentences for people (VERY bad habit I have), and I don't always have to put my own experiences into a conversation. Occasionally, it is completely relevant, but most of the time you're just making it all about you which serves no purpose other than to enhance your SELF.

All of these things I have done innocently. I felt that if I could equate my experience with others it made our connection deeper. Wrong. Sometimes, it's good but many times you're taking away from what they are trying to say and making your experience seem more valuable than theirs.

I thought that I finished their sentences I knew what they were going to say before saying it, therefore making me their best friend ever because our connection was deep and strong. Really all I was doing was not listening and annoying them. Who wants to share their life with someone who never really hears what you are saying? NOBODY!

Amazing what you learn when you get over yourself for just a moment. I have been so caught up in my own experience and wisdom that I was alienating anyone who was willing to share and open their lives up to me. I am excited and happy to truly become aware of these things and figure out what was holding me back.

Now onto the hard part, changing bad behaviors is very difficult. This means I have to become aware of my ego and squash it before it can rear it's ugly head, easier said than done. I've already screwed up a few times and didn't realize it until after it was done because it's such an automatic response for me. After, I wanted to explain myself and apologize but I felt like that was just talking more about me and didn't serve a purpose so I let it be. Which I think is a good thing, definitely a step in the right direction.

I have a feeling that all the incoherence in my life is going to come into focus and I will finally begin to live a meaningful existence. That is such a good feeling. Perhaps when I master this part of my life my hidden potential will peak it's pretty little face out from behind the big fat cloud of ego it's been hiding behind. :)

Better day...

2010-02-16T05:32:00.000-08:00

We all have good and bad days, it's what you do with them that matters. When I feel dumpy I usually try to engage more with my kids and keep myself busy so I can either distract myself from a crappy mood or change it.

Sometimes that is easier said than done.

My hormones have been really bad since I had a tubal ligation done after Abby's birth. The past six months have been pretty intense at times. All those feelings of despair that I wrote about last week were very real.

And then one day I wake up and I can function. I feel normal, still a little unsure of myself but not the out of control, train wreck of a woman I was a few days ago.

I do know recommend sterilization and will probably end up having a reversal if we can one day afford it. Can you say SNIP? Hopefully Jamie will be able to man up. I think the threat of a sexless marriage might work.

Yeah, like I could do that! At least I still have a healthy libido, which he so lovingly pointed out to my mother in law, aunt in law and step mother in law a few weeks ago. He's perfect like that.

Anyway, I do still have issues to work on and I do still need to find focus and stop escaping in true Pisces fashion but I'm not always the hormonal, out of control woman that cries for three days straight. I think when there is a better balance in my life between my family and myself things will even out. Toddler raising ain't for pussies.

Somethings got to give.

2010-02-15T04:55:00.000-08:00

Perhaps that's me. Okay, it's definitely me. I do give a lot but am I doing it in the right way? I don't know how I could find more time to try harder as a mother, wife, contributor, etc, but something is amiss and the common denominator is me. I am not participating on a level that I am capable of and that is my own fault.

I am deep in thought these days. Which is refreshing because for months I have been going through the motions with a dense fog all around me. I haven't set any goals for myself because I didn't feel like there was time for any of my desires but that isn't true. There is time if I make it. There is time for me to be better.

Facebook is my enemy. Did you hear me? I said facebook is my enemy. Life is not a popularity contest and watching others live their lives through a filter is not called being productive. Step one!

Just getting that out there....

My concern is that too much too soon will be overwhelming for me. I have to be realistic in that I have major commitments that require a lot of strength, time and effort to accomplish what needs to be done on a daily basis. Two small children at home does not allow much time for anything. A part time daycare is a worthy commitment to people who truly depend on my availability. I don't have a lot of free time where I can concentrate on something that requires my undivided attention outside of mothering and babysitting. My evenings are for my family and I to connect which speaks for itself. Families need to connect to stay together. It's what is missing in our world today. I feel better when we all find time to love.

I also carve out a hour for working out. I need that time - it is the one part of my day where peace washes over me consistently. I feel better about myself because I exercise. I am convinced that I would be in the crazy house if I wasn't giving this to myself to be honest.

The goal is to find fulfillment and stimulation through the tasks at hand and to work on the parts that make me a better mother/caregiver/wife/person. It's important to keep the parts that make me feel great, the working out, the family time, the loving. The things that make me feel bad need to go. There are things I can't change in my life that make me unhappy, for example, laundry, but I can choose to limit the stuff that fails to contribute to my life in a healthy, positive way and make room for more productive thigns.

One thing I am putting time into now is my patience. Another is spending less time in self pity land (which is A LOT! so that should really free up some time). I guess I start there and keep working on finding ways to make my day to day seem more important.

I read something this morning as I googled cyberspace to help me find inspirational things to read. I am looking for importance, real inner-confidence and ways to make myself happy in the life I am leading. Changing anything but my outlook at this point seems a little too daunting (baby steps). Besides, I think our attitude is where it all begins. This statement is something mothers (or maybe just me) know but tend to forget as we try to find self worth in our lives during this season of motherhood.

I'll sum it up like this. Every single accomplishment in life is fleeting except for one thing. Our relationship with our children is forever. FOREVER! What that means is I could sing on a mountain top for all to hear and get praises beyond measure. It won't matter in a week. I could be an accomplished doctor, or lawyer, or teacher. In time there will be another and to some degree our work will not matter. I could be the most beautiful, skinniest, perfect woman on earth and in time it will fade. The time and effort we put into our children and the bonds we form with them will last our lifetime. This is the most important thing I will EVER do. EVER! So if I can't find fulfillment in this, what can I find fulfillment in?

The trick is changing my perception of success. The key will be finding value in what I'm doing NOW because I'll be honest with you, there has never been a time in my life when I truly felt that my work was really mind blowing and great to begin with.

Again, it's changing my mentality not necessarily what I am doing.

The fog is lifting slowly. I want to be everything my children need. I want them to be happy, confident and loving women who contribute to the world in a positive way. I want them to be good wives and mothers and friends. That is only going to happen if their foundation is secure. So I continue this journey and will find my niche. I am not going down without a fight - I will finish what I started and not just get by like my mother did (I'm sorry mom, but it's true). I will be great because they deserve it.

I will be someone who embraces growth, change and enlightenment. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems impossible. Even when it hurts. And let me tell you, it hurts A LOT these days, more than it ever has! But sometimes it is perfect. It's the perfect moments that make it worth it.

***I'm sorry if this seems scattered and all over the place. It is me, it's where I'm at, it's who I am. I am letting the words come out as they are and not worrying about the opinions on the quality of my work because it doesn't matter. The writing isn't the work, the work is me and the writing is secondary. It's a tool for me to release the thoughts in my head and it helps me immensely. Thank you for listening. That is all.

Tomorrow's horoscope from Johathan Cainer

2010-02-14T16:06:00.000-08:00

"Your mood will soon change. The sunshine of inner-confidence will emerge from behind a cloud of concern that has been hovering over your world. You may not suddenly solve a problem, but you will at least see a way to work around it - or to live with it, in reasonable comfort, after a while. You will get a reprieve from a deadline or at least some indication that a tricky task is attainable. Just as a small splash of colour can bring life to a whole wall of white, you will find this new development improves the way you feel about almost everything. ..."

HA! I sure as heck hope so. I am insufferable, I hate the state of mind that I am in and really want the little epiphanies I have every day to stick. I want to feel good again. There's so much crap in this world, so much sadness, so much strife that I feel like a tool for my outlook and the sadness I am allowing. I want it all to go away and the happiness that I should feel for the blessings I have in my life, which are MANY, to return.

It might take medication, or maybe a greater effort on my part. Either way, somethings got to give because I can't live this cyclical nightmare that is my hormones these days.

Sometimes I wake up crying at night.

2010-02-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I cry for other people I don't know because they're suffering. Sometimes I cry for two days and have no reason at all. I just cry a lot lately and I really wish that I didn't have to find the world worthy of tears. Even when I see the good I cry. The amazing? I cry. I just cry a lot.

I have had a rough couple of days. One reason being a nasty hangover. I am the saddest, most pathetic person when I'm hungover. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I have issues with alcohol I guess. I use it as a band aid but it is anything but, you'd think that I would learn. It usually triggers extreme sensitivity after the thrill is gone and it will last two or three days. I have had alcohol counseling in the past and compared to my twenties I'm a fucking saint. But still, I could put the bottle away and wouldn't suffer.

Let me clarify what I mean by "issues". I would probably categorize myself as an occasional alcoholic. I use it in an unhealthy way for unhealthy reasons and because it's not used properly I consider myself an abuser. I do this once a month, sometimes more sometimes less.

I abuse other stuff too but I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

I am a hot mess. I admit this. I am probably one of those people who just needs lifelong therapy because I can't handle the voices in my head all alone. I had one year of weekly sessions that put me in a really great place. And then we moved here and everything I had been working on was destroyed. I need someone to tell my secrets to. I need someone to help me figure life's garbage and find ways to recycle it to make me useful again.

I don't feel useful at all. I feel lost, helpless, out of sync with everything.

Is this what parenting full time has done to me? I am a mother of two small children who take every single thing I have and stomp on it. I'm not kidding. I have a very difficult three year old and a soon to be two year old. ENOUGH SAID. What sucks is there isn't a support group for people like me around here and there FUCKING NEEDS TO BE! There needs to be more people in the world who are able to allow themselves to be honest and vulnerable. Because I need them dammit!

You want to know a secret? I think my tubal has screwed my body up. I used to be an emotional girl but now I feel out of control. Last week, when I allowed myself some blog time I was having pretty even days. I was accomplishing things and allowing myself to work through issues. This weekend was my "ovulation" or suppressed ovulation rather since the egg has no where to go because I had the tubes tied and I was a train wreck. This never fails to set my mood on a downhill spiral. My hormones act like a raging river and I feel desperate, sad, lonely, incapable, worthless, undeserving, gross, ugly, stupid. I am just all over the place. It's pretty extreme. I cried most of the morning and when we left to run errands as a family I fought back tears several times.

This isn't normal for everyone, is it?

Now that we finally have health insurance I'm going to make an appointment with our new doctor. Maybe there's something safe to take that keeps me on track. I can't focus (as if you couldn't tell that from this stupid fucking post). I want to feel normal again. I wonder if tubal reversals are covered under our new insurance plan? And a vasectomy because I am not having another kid.

Thoughts about Happiness

2010-02-11T07:36:00.000-08:00

Happiness isn't really something that magically happens to us. It's 90% attitude and 10% circumstance. Certain things do make us sad but our reaction to it and thoughts concerning it, if negative, can hold us back from achieving contentment.

In my case, my thoughts are suffocating. I revisit past mistakes on a daily basis. Mistakes that I can't even write about they're so bad. Mistakes that shame me beyond shame. I live with them and go about my days acting like they're not there but they are present. Always present and looming over my head like a storm cloud. They make me feel like my whole entire life is a lie. I find them so unforgivable that I beat myself up regularly over them. An important part of my journey is forgiveness. I am not there but I do know that if I don't allow myself to be human I will be forever chained by the memories of the past.

I also have a lot of sadness that revolves around my mother and father. My father because he died before I could hang onto any type of memory of him, my mother because I need one and don't really feel like I have one even though I really have two. My grandmother because she raised me. My mother because she's still here and we love each other and have a relationship, just not a motherly one. I try to make them both proud of me and probably they are but they just don't show it or know how to. I don't have someone to guide me or help me work out issues in my life. I didn't have someone to help me as a girl when growth and enlightenment were really important. I envy people who did to a fault.

Which reminds me, envy, if I'm being completely honest is one of the biggest cruxes I face daily. I don't find value in myself because I'm wishing I was as good, as happy, as wealthy, as beautiful, as successful as someone else instead of just accepting my own beauty, talents and greatness. I acknowledge this weakness and I work on it a lot but not enough because it's still a large problem. It's not productive. It's counterproductive actually and it snuffs my light and makes my heart ugly even though I have so much to offer.

My negativity is excruciating sometimes and turns me into someone I don't like. Negative thoughts, reliving the crap and ignoring the wonderful parts of my life are what robs me of happiness. My ego has taken over my existence and feeding it the way I do keeps me in that state of turmoil that I so desperately want to break free of. I deserve to feel good about myself and about my decisions in life because mistakes don't matter. Other people's mistakes don't matter.

I want to purge negativity from my life. I want to rid myself of the guilt I face for the things I've done. No longer do I want to be ruled by all of my hurt I've experienced and caused. It's important that I break free of this and allow my light to glow brightly. If I don't I will never find anything but regret. And that's just stupid.

Slipping back in time.

2010-02-10T05:47:00.000-08:00

That's what I feel like when I read older posts on this silly little blog of mine. I can't even remember the woman who had just one child. I can't recall the woman who packed up her beloved home in Maine and schlepped to Upstate New York with nothing but a wish for her husband's success. I gave up a lot when we moved here.

Two more daughters later and five years of SAHM'ing and here I am. Sometimes I feel like I have been robbed of individuality. Then other times I feel like the person I'm supposed to be. We all have layers and as we go through life each new layer presents itself at different times. My layer right now is motherhood and all that goes with it. That comes with sacrifices and changes that we sometimes have to make. This may be done begrudgingly; it's easier for some than others, but lovingly. Always for love. It's the love that makes it worth it.

I have been given three gifts. Three chances to erase damage and find healing and growth through love.

Sydney - my oldest girl. She'll be 10 in a few weeks and just writing that down makes it more real than ever. I choked on a tear just now thinking of her blossoming into a teen and all the turmoil that goes with it. She's getting boobs now and her skin is changing a little. She's beautiful and smart and kind. I love her and I love the way our relationship is developing into something different, something meaningful. I am constantly trying to nurture, teach, talk and listen It means so much to me that we're close. She is the reason that her dad and I love each other so much. The mere thought of breaking her heart by severing our bond as a family was strong enough to keep us together long enough to realize that we are best friends.

Emily - my middle girl. The center of our family. She wouldn't have it any other way and I think the rest of us feel the same. A dimple on her right cheek, buck teeth from her pacifier and bad genes. She's vibrant, intensely loving, aggravatingly stubborn and beautiful. I will get more wrinkles from her than any of my girls. She's my great challenge in life. If I can teach her to harness her power (which requires me to find my own) she will be an amazing woman. If I can not teach her she will teach her self. In fact, she'd probably prefer it that way as long as there was an audience. A Scorpio from top to bottom. She loves secret places.

Abigail - the last gift under the tree. She will put a smile on your face on the darkest of days. Joyful, bright eyed and adorable. She never fails to amaze me with her intelligence and willingness to try everything her big sister does. She's upfront even at 21 months. She will tell you what she wants when she wants it without fail. Her determination and drive to hang with the pack is so refreshing and appreciated. She completes our family tree and makes me a better mother.

Three daughters to grow. I love growing things! If I am delicate enough, confident enough and honest enough to know when I'm screwing it up, if I share myself with them and encourage them to be themselves our rewards will be so amazing. Cycles are being broken at my house. I refuse to be tight lipped and tough skinned. I cry when I am hurt and I talk about it out loud. I laugh when I am happy and shower each of them with love and affection. I will not hide my weaknesses from them and they will know when I am proud of them. I don't really know exactly how to be a great mother but I know I will try. I will always try to be better.

This video was made New Years Eve. I have made it a tradition for the past couple of years because I don't want to forget. I never want to forget the important things.

Where the hell have I been?

2010-02-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

My winter rut is in full swing as of late and although I'm managing the kids, the house and the rest of it there is little time for blogging. Why?

Depression and probably Facebook.

I'm fucking hooked on that son of a mother. I'm not sure why I spend so much time on there, maybe because I'm lonely and lack ambition to do anymore laundry. Maybe it's because I'm bored with myself and the lives of others seems so much more intoxicating than my own simple little housewife life. Whatever the reason, I am making a promise to myself to spend less time there and more time where it counts and part of that is blogging.

Writing about day to day gives me something to reference to. I enjoy looking back and seeing the growth I've allowed in my life. It doesn't need to be particularly significant to anyone else because it matters to me.

Me.

My life, my family, my desires, my goals.

Me.

It has occurred to me that I have been trying to make myself into something or someone I am not. Maybe this is how I've always been. I don't do this to be fake or to trick people. It's a Pisces thing really. Or so I think. Maybe we're late in finding ourselves or just trying to please people so we pick what we think are likable behaviors but really it just ends up being weird because it's not who we are; it comes off unnatural and forced. I want to like what I like and not be afraid that someone else will be upset with me because of it. So adolescent to feel that way at this point in my life, I know. I am just trying to figure it all out.

I don't see myself as a particularly selfish person but I am all consumed with my "self". My image, how people see me, if they like me, if they don't like me. If they don't like me then why? What did I do, what can I change, please like me, please!!!! Oh.MY.freakingWORD it is endless. I drive myself insane comparing and checking lists of who I am and why I'm not more like this one or as pretty as that one. I'm making a commitment to discontinue this way of living and moving forward because it is suffocating me. My ego is out.of.control. It's holding me back from accomplishing anything meaningful in my life and it has taken the wind from my sails.

I believe that I used to have sails full of wind. I used to have ideas and thoughts about my future and who I was and it had little to do with what so and so was doing, wearing, thinking feeling. I was once a girl who took risks and made choices that lead me toward success not the spiraling twister of doom that I've somehow gotten caught up in. I used to value my talents and although I was always critical I didn't pick them apart piece by piece until nothing was left.

I am done with that because I am so unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't deserve to be unhappy. I really don't. I have a wonderful family. I am healthy. I have a home and a vehicle that runs and a steady source of income. I have food on my table. I can afford to eat fruits, vegetables and whole grains and even have space to grow them in the summer months. I don't have any unsecured debt. My husband is equipped and well on his way to a promising professional career. We love each other even after 12 years of marriage and three rug rats who have challenged us in ways unimaginable. Together we have given life to three adorable, healthy, beautiful, talented, independent daughters who will most likely give us plenty of babies to spoil in our old age. So yeah.

I don't get to be unhappy.

I'm bringing blogging back. I will try to write without worrying what someone else with think or feel about me or my grammar. I will try to write because it means something to me. I will write about the grace that has been given to me. I will write about the things that make me happy and focus more on the positive and less on the negative. If I start here and practice maybe it will bleed into the rest of my life starting now. I have to move ahead lest I get stuck here forever. I find it very cleansing, writing down these insecurities and obstacles. I didn't sit down intentionally to write these feelings down, they just came out and that is why I need to blog. As tears fall down my face I honestly see footprints behind me. Finally, a step.

October stuff.

2009-11-05T07:04:00.000-08:00

One thing that rubbed me the wrong way this year was the lack of summer. A two week trip to Maine gave 13 days of rain and two partly cloudy. Spencer was a little better not the summer we're used to. I held onto a hope all of July and August that autumn would recharge me for winter. It never happened.

Instead?

This was my morning greeting from Mother Nature in early October.

I am bracing myself for a difficult winter weather wise. I have only heard of the snow these parts of NY are known to get. We have never bothered to upgrade our shovel to a snow blower because we've always gotten by on the manpower between us.

Honestly? I still have a pair of snow shoes still tied together in it's packagingthat I got 5 years ago for Christmas. I could dig getting some poles and taking to the trails a few times this winter. But not in OCTOBER!

Whatever. Bring it bithces. I'll take the good with the bad because I'm hardcore like that.

In other news, Sydney has gotten the part of Gretel in her school play. Though, in my opinion, the sissified version they will be putting on is a far cry from the tale that was originally written. Ah well, I guess our kids don't really need to worry about some crazy bitch in the forest shoving them into an oven and eating them.

I have even more news to report if you can believe that! J is all but one week away from presenting his thesis and "discussing" his graduate work with his committee. They will grant him worthy or they will not. The not part is just more of a scare tactic to keep people in check. Not a lot of people go through this process completely and walk away empty handed. He's all but finished with his degree and we are about to enter into preparation phase number II. His post doc starts December 1st! WOOT! I am so proud of him. What an accomplishment.
Halloween was fun. We had a great time trick or treating with the girls. Abby was a little annoyed with all the walking but managed it if only for the reward. Candy is the bestest thing in the whole world when you're a kid. And we got TONS of it.

Which only scratches the surface of the sugar consumed by this family in the past two weeks since we also had a birthday celebration in there as well.

Ugh! I managed to maintain my weight loss but no progress to speak of. I started a serious celery eating phase yesterday. No more Goldfish and mindless snacking until Thanksgiving. Then I'll be a little more....giving.

Speaking of birthdays, Emily turned three! THREE! I am the most shocked about how quickly the years are flying by at our house. It's probably because we are so sleep deprived and delirious. She is totally potty trained now though. Score one for mom and I have begun socializing them (finally!). I make them sound like pets but truth be told, Emily has a slight problem interacting with children her own age and being able to cope and move on to something new when something gets sticky with another kid. Her only reaction is to retreat. She insists we leave RIGHT NOW. And I am a pussy mom because I bend to her will with a single look. I am not comfortable enough in that place to allow a melt down.

So now I'm wrapping this up in a really poor way but I'm tired of blogging right now and I only have so much time in my day. But there's a run down of the latest. More to come...

Purge.

2009-09-26T10:23:00.000-07:00

The weather is definitely changing. I can't recall having an actual summer this year, it's as if we were living in Maine again. But I do welcome fall. Every single year I open my arms and embrace it with every ounce of energy. I had a short run this morning with the sun beating down but a chilly feel in the air that keeps you cool. I wish that autumn could just replace winter. As much as I love the north east, I think I may be better suited for a different climate. I always thought Monterey, California was a good place to live with even temps all year round. Maybe we'll settle there some day. Yeah, right.

Jamie is cleaning up our wood stove today, sealing new gaskets and adding new fire brick to replace the pieces that were falling apart. We still have about 3.5 cord of wood on our front lawn to pile, but what the hell ever. I am in no hurry to do it this year at all. Last year I piled nearly the whole thing by myself - that was with a newborn and breastfeeding. I think I was trying to lose baby fat and that motivated me but it didn't do jack shit for me.

Sydney has been making creative wreaths from the grapevines growing along our fence in the back yard. That girl has some serious talent when it comes to art. I am always in awe of her paintings she brings home from school. A few I have framed and more than a few I have set aside for frames. I just love her interpretations of animals, flowers and random shapes with bright colors. When I take the time to notice, watching her blossom into a young lady is invigorating. What a solid child she is. I did that! We did that together. In my opinion, there's a fine line between teaching your children to be honest, hardworking, productive members of society and completely fucking them up for life. I'm certain I teeter between the two regularly, but so far things are balanced pretty well. I have yet to hit peri-menopause, though I'm very close (I think?)and I will probably do some pretty psychotic things throughout those years of my life. We'll see...I'm pretty screwy hormonally speaking right now. I can't imagine what it will be like then.

Emily is talking, talking, talking. Sometimes she swears a little and I'm okay with that. What's life without a good cuss word. Abby is following suit and picking up words like crazy. They are fun to watch. A year from now they will be spitting out angry sentences in context to each other and I think that's going to be pretty awesome! Emily having someone other than myself to argue and fight with is a blessing. Abby is almost as big as her and she will be able to kick her ass into next week if she gets too out of line and I'll let her.

Nothing new, same old stuff, just a different day and we're all a little older. I am almost to a place where I feel like we might be able to enjoy something other than our kids and a good realty show. One of these days we're going to be able to actually go someplace without them and not worry incessantly about whether or not the babysitter is crying.

Little of this, little of that.

2009-09-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

I made oatmeal banana cookies this morning. I love these cookies, all cake like and moist. Like a piece of banana oatmeal bread, only shaped like a cookie. A great pairing with a cup of green tea.

I've been gathering, foraging if you will, for winter. I've cleaned out drawers, filled them with long sleeves, jeans and tights, put the flannel on, made a few soups. Footie pajamas are plentiful and I've even cranked the furnace a morning or two. We are in the process of replacing parts to our stove, changing seals and making sure our wood is packed and ready for the chill. I'm always feverish this time of year. Ever anticipating the coming months.

The holidays are coming! That's always something that cheers my mood. A new countdown; I love countdowns! It always comes so quickly once school begins. We aren't traveling for Christmas this year and I am SO excited. I should really try to do it up big time in the house since we're going to be home. It will seem so magical to the little babies, and Syd too for that matter. I'm really looking forward to staying put. It's been a long time coming.

Speaking of school, Sydney is doing outstanding! That kid just loves her studies and tries her best no matter what. She's already devoured 5 books in just two weeks! We're very proud.

Jamie is less than two months from defending his thesis and will start his post doc here on December 1st! I cannot tell you the burden lifted knowing we will stay a bit longer. I was ready for a change but the money given to someone fresh out of grad school is small potatoes when compared to the cost of living in the areas that prestigious universities are located. Not that he has to have the best, but it makes sense to get a certain pedigree before you branch out on your own merit. He will learn a lot under his new boss. I'm very happy for his transition and the small raise that comes with it. He's very deserving, it's time for our family to arrive.

Still working out. I have to say that my pace was a bit ambitious and I started to feel like it was all work and no play. I'm going back to a routine that suits me and my family best. I'll get where I want to be, just in a happy way, a new way. I told you that I had to watch myself lest I fall down the slippery slope that is obsession. Besides, I got new videos and am very pleased with the outcome. I am so sore today that I'm taking a break and only doing my very low impact, more for fun, fitness class tonight. Important part being the class, I'm getting INVOLVED. Baby steps you guys. I'm a hermit since going through 18 months of pregnancy and 18 months of infancy. I had no business going any damn where with that big belly and breastfeeding in public wasn't my favorite thing. It's been a slow start.

In other news, Emily has found, and is fond of her vaginah. That's all I got to say about that. Though the potty training has been very positive over all! Very happy about the decrease in excrement in our trash bags.

Sydney got UGGS! I'm freaking serious! And jealous. She also shaved her legs for the first time. That's all I've got to say about that.

Abby has gotten down right skinny. Okay, so not skinny, we'll call it just above average vs. borderline obese! Kid had some serious chunk. I'm both happy and sad to see it go. Her clothes are fitting her better and she looks more comfortable climbing, but it means she's not going to be a baby much longer. She's the last of 'em. How fleeting time really is.

So there you have it. A little of this, a little of that.

My quest to fit and healthy.

2009-09-01T05:29:00.000-07:00

The past three years have been trying to say the least. When I look at the whole, I have no idea how I made it to where I'm at right now. I could only deal with one itty bitty slice at a time. Back to back pregnancies has swallowed the first quarter of my thirties. Whether I liked it or not, I was on this ride and I was not the driver. I am grateful for my babies but growing and nursing two babies one after the other is a daunting task. When it was all over I was left a gooshy, overweight, overtired and over stimulated mess. It wasn't pretty.

In January I bottomed out. One moment in particular really hit hard. I was going out shopping with Sydney and wearing my kinda fat jeans and my soft mommy tummy was spilling over the top and my once baggy sweater wasn't so roomy anymore. I just wanted to cry I was so miserable. I probably did cry when I got to a quiet place where Sydney couldn't see her mother's anguish over her dilapidated post partum figure.

I needed a change and I knew that it wasn't going to happen on its own. I had to make a commitment to myself to start taking steps to change what was making me unhappy or shut up and get fatter.

One baby step at a time, I started a workout regime. It wasn't easy fitting it in, mostly because my habits and behaviors had to change drastically. I had to discipline myself to keep going, to keep myself from the couch when the opportunity to exercise presented itself and to do it consistently. One 45 minute workout wasn't going to burn the fat from two pregnancies. This was going to require some deeper digging.

For a long time I didn't see the scale budge more than 5 lbs. That was a grueling 5 lbs to lose too, it didn't just melt off me like I had hoped. My portion control was non-existent and I was still snacking on little things throughout the day which is ultimately what was holding me back. Three goldfish here, a sliver of cheese there, oh this one handful of buttery popcorn can't hurt, can it? Think again.

I am constantly feeding children all day long, children who eat 15 tiny meals a day because they need constant fuel to grown and develop. Do you know how hard it is to keep your fingers off their plates? It's not just about the food temptation, it's burned in my brain to keep from wasting it, which if you've ever fed a child you know that they eat maybe 1/3 of the modest portion you gave them. Even today I have all I can do to throw Emily's cereal in the trash or to sacrifice the crusts from their grilled cheese at lunch! I hate throwing it out but I couldn't pretend that the calories didn't count because clearly they did.

I kept at it though, slowly changing little things about each day and didn't give up just because I wasn't seeing major changes, or if I had a bad day/week. I continued even though some days I felt like a failure because I didn't log enough time sweating it out. My knees got sore, my routine was getting old and the winter was long. Boy, was it ever long.

Eventually, I started to feel how firm my legs were getting and that my clothes were fitting differently. My fat jeans fit me now and there was NO SPILLAGE! Jamie was noticing too if you know what I mean. It was little things like that which motivated me and I also began rewarding myself with new clothes or something else I wanted besides food.

There were times when I didn't work as hard as I needed to but 9 months later I'm still workout out. I am down 20 lbs and as strong as I was 10 years ago just before I got pregnant with Sydney. Last week I ran 22 miles and logged 3 hours of video. I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. I find myself excited for the end of the day when Jamie gets home so I can sweat it out. I challenge myself to see what I can accomplish instead of contemplating how little I can do and still log in a workout. My knees don't hurt anymore because they're strong. I'm strong. And I love it!

One aspect of this that has empowered me greatly is that my hard work has motivated others to push themselves. And it's their pushing that helps me continue to push myself as well. We're all pushing hard together and debunking those myths that tell us we're not capable of being fit because it's too hard or too much work. We're surprising ourselves with moments of success and smaller jeans. We're doing it because we are worth the effort, not just to look good but to feel good. We are getting strong and healthy and learning a new way of life - a better way of life.

Working out isn't a quick fix to a fit body. Neither is a diet where you deprive yourself of food your body needs to thrive. It's a lifestyle you have to adopt. A change you have to make permanently and to understand that it happens gradually not immediately.

So this is my story - my journey thus far in getting a piece of myself back. I'm still working hard to get where I want to be and then maybe I'll slow down and do a maintenance schedule. Or maybe I won't because maybe I want to be better than before, maybe I want to run a race or three. Maybe I want to complete a marathon one day. Who knows. I'm not boxing myself in to any commitments but I'm not closing my mind off to possibilities either. So yeah. I'm feeling pretty awesome about that.

Lesson Learned.

2009-08-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

Every weekend my family and I take a trip to Target or Evil-mart and buy the necessary items to get us through the week. Things like toilet paper, dish soap, cereal and twelve boxes of Dora fruity snacks. Yes, twelve. This one time we bought 11 and jeezum crow if it didn't ruin an entire Thursday.

I use to think shopping with one child was a challenge. So much so that it took me 6 years to willingly get pregnant with Emily. I remember admiring the abilities of the wife of my husband's boss one day. She had three girls and I was in awe of the way she handled each one so masterfully. I commented on how tough it must be and she modestly said "Oh honey, one baby, three babies, it's all the same." And I just want to go on record and say right here and now that IT IS NOT THE SAME.

I feel like every where we go it's always a major production. This one is running that way and the other this way. One needs to go to the bathroom and we can't find this one. Oh look! There she is, naked by the gumball machines again. We juggle kids like one of those entertainers people hire for their kid's birthday party. You know, the guy who juggles fiery rings and bowling pins like it's no big deal? Only we drop ours.

We weren't prepared for this either. Sydney was a shining example of a toddler and easy to take anywhere. Mother Nature likes to play cruel jokes on people and give them a false sense of good parenting skills, only to nail you in the ass the second go round. And sometimes the third. Which isn't really fair to Abby because she's generally well behaved. That is until you get to the Little Debbie Snacks. She was wrestling with a box of those for 10 minutes one afternoon and every time we tried to go in the opposite direction she began screeching like her name was Emily.

Just imagine my elation today when we get Abby loaded into the cart at Target and Emily decides she wants Daddy to take her inside the mall and Sydney wanted to join her. Luckily, Target is connected to the mall, otherwise we would have had a slight problem. Anywho, I was two children down and in Target with a wallet full of babysitting money. I could hardly contain the excitement, except I did because well, I didn't want to have to repay any favors later if you know what I mean.

My repressed happiness quickly turned into queasiness as I turned the corner and remembered that we were shopping in a college town and last week was orientation. By now all the parents were gone and the college freshmen had their brand new credit cards and allowances burning holes in their pockets. They can't buy beer yet and they don't have any friends that can buy beer yet, so guess where they all were? Yeah. Gold fish and granola bar shopping. The must haves for every diet of a fresh out of the nest almost grown up.

I'm inching through crowded snack aisles trying to stock up for the last week of summer vacation (Yes!) and I come to a dead stop because there are two young ladies with their cart parked at the exit of the aisle and while standing in the middle of the intersection with their butts sticking out to see if someone will go buy them some beer. At this point I'm just standing there kind of, but not really looking at them in hopes that they will move but they don't. So I inch a little closer and throw some Fruit Nuggets into my cart and try to initiate some sort of courtesy act where they get to be like most people and make room for the rest of the world. They clearly can not be bothered.

I do realize that these girls are over privileged, Ivy League princesses and haven't yet learned the rules of living in a world where not everyone kisses their tiny candy asses clad in Seven jeans so I show a little restraint, and it paid off because before you know it one of them rolls her eyes and moves the cart back 4 inches so I could squeeze through. IF I WERE A CONTORTIONIST. The other just stood there in the way with her ass sticking out just in case I had a valid ID. I gave them a slightly sarcastic thank you and went on my way. The kind where you pretend to smile but roll your eyes a little to get your point across.

I know, I'm subtle like that. Just ask Jamie.

I am half way up the next aisle when one declares "That PISSES me OFF!" just loud enough for me to hear. I reply in the same manner "Isn't that too bad" and go about my shopping adventure. Part of me (the 18 year old in me) wanted them to get even more obnoxious and come and chew me out so I could give them a piece of my mind and the grown up part of me knew it wasn't worth my time fishing out any sort of verbal justice. This is who they are right now but one day, one fine, glorious day they will be me and they are going to realize how self absorbed they once were. Or at least we all hope they will.

I have to side with the "they will" because I've thought about the two girls, and all the other newbies I encountered on my Target excursion today and my mind drifted back to my first years outside of my mother's reach. And man, was I ever slapped in the face with a big old fat dose of Karma. I was such an obnoxious little twit who would do anything to get a rise out of someone so I could look big. Except I never really was. Oh, sure, maybe to my friends or the geeks that hung on my every obnoxious word thought that I was hilarious, but I wasn't.

Today I laughed at my ability to see both sides and took comfort in knowing that they will all mature, and some other snotty size 2 will give it back to them one day. What goes around, comes around they say. And I might have made a mental note in hopes that next year I remember to stay away from Target juuuust long enough for the freshman to score some beer.

The final frontier!

2009-08-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

Emily is finally taking up potty training. Actually it was sort of forced (I know! Bad Mommy) on her. She wasn't pleased about it, in fact, she threw a few tantrums where she insisted I put a diapee on her NOW.

I didn't.

I am so sick of wiping smeared shit off her ass that I just couldn't bring myself to surrender the Huggie any longer.

As of late, oh who am I kidding. Since birth, I have not felt like I had a lot of control over Emily's milestones. And I realize that life is just that way. Each child is different and takes alternative coaxing strategies to get them to reach these milestones.

With Emily there has been no coaxing. You couldn't give her a bottle; she wouldn't accept care from anyone but me for the longest time. She wouldn't sleep no matter how many different techniques we used to get her to sleep through. When she turned 9 months old I became pregnant and any energy I might have had to tackle the difficult aspects was tapped. She wouldn't even try to develop her language skills. She didn't respond to any real type of discipline and I have been pulling my hair out since day one, and I expect that ritual will continue until forever.

But I had to try.

More than a week has passed since our initial induction into Pantyhood and things are really going well. She doesn't protest anymore in the mornings when it's time to take her night diaper off. She hasn't had a ton of accidents, though there are some. But I expect some. I'm surprised she's not pissing herself accidentally on purpose to be honest with you. She has surprised us all and really flourished and grown throughout this process so far.

Which, I'll admit, didn't come without a few tears and doubts on my end. They don't recommend forcing potty training. All the books and online advice tell you to wait it out and let them decide when they're ready. I figured that I was doomed to change her diaper until Abby was ready to train and then it was a toss up if she would initiate it then or not. I'm glad that I took matters in my own hands now but last week I was really unsure if I was doing the right thing or not.

The one hint that finally convinced me that it was working is that I found her "I've gotta have this thing and I'll do anything to get it" item. Emily likes her some gum. And now I have little chewed up pieces of Trident all over my house and
pee stains on a few of my carpets but I'm going to rent a rug doctor soon anyway. It's worth the headache to be half way out of diapers.

So congratulate me ya'll. I've graduated to only one in diapers. I am so freaking happy to reach this milestone and I will gladly cart her butt to the facilities every 10 minutes if it is a means to an end.

Next thing to go? Binky.

Hopefully sometime before she gets her period.

I got what I wished for.

2009-08-10T14:43:00.000-07:00

We're officially staying put for a few more years. Which, as you know, is exactly what I wanted, in that if I can't have what I really want then I don't want anything kind of way. I would rather stay here than move some place I don't want to live, even if that means being incredibly lonely at times.

The funny thing is, I'm kind of bi-polar when it comes to choosing where, because one moment I'm perfectly content in moving to the city near J's family. The next moment, not so much. I have never felt at home there and the only pull I feel is the benefit of babysitters and to instill the importance of extended family in my children. Plus the cheese steaks don't suck. Then the manic part of me suddenly wants to become a vegetarian and move closer to my family for the same, obvious reasons. Only I prefer lobster rolls up there - wait, can vegetarians even eat lobster?

The good part about staying put other than the whole not having to pack up a young, pants shitting (well two of us - I'm not telling which two) family of five, is not having choose where to be. I don't want to pick. I don't want one family to feel like we chose the other instead, even though it has little to do with what we truly want and more to do with where the job offer comes from. Even then it still won't matter to some people (read husband's people). They are relentless and really just want us all to live in one giant Kennedy-ish compound (seriously, this was mentioned). One where I get to mind all the kids and most likely change the Depends of the elderly along with the Huggies of the young.

They've promised there will be wine but I don't trust 'em. Not a single one. Hell, the husband introduced himself as Jamie - so I married him because I loved the way Jamie and Europa looked inside a heart with glitter. TRUE LOVE FOREVER. Five years later his name was Jim. I wouldn't have married a Jim. Jim looks like shit when written with my gold gel pen.

Deception runs in the family, I think.

Even if there is wine they'll probably make sure I wait until 5 pm and limit my consumption to a respectable two glasses because grown ups don't get drunk. And that's when I will frantically grip the bottle of wine and begin running around the compound in my thong yelling "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, YOU FUCKERS!"

And that, my friends, is probably when I'll be moving back to Maine.

My newest secret!

2009-07-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

I don't blog much about this part of my life because I'm trying to do it in a healthy way without becoming too obsessed. Which, you know, is really hard considering our thin=beautiful mindset that has been burned into our brain. Have you seen some of those "super" models as of late? Who's that thin and still strong and healthy? Blech! But secretly, deep down in the pit of my stomach I wish I could be that thin and because of that little notion, I have to be diligent about keeping myself in check.

I did that when I was a kid and I know my thirties have suffered the consequences of my bad habits of my youth. I'm not willing to go back to that place now. I can't, I need to have fuel to keep me energized enough to keep up with a family of FIVE! Saying that out loud makes it seem so much more important than it feels on a daily basis. But yeah, my job is big.

Which makes it even more difficult to continue with a healthy lifestyle. It's so much easier to do quick and easy. That crap fuel is so readily available that it makes it hard to remind ourselves the importance of eating good, nutritious food. In my life long quest to find healthier yet tasty things to incorporate onto our table, I found these gorgeous little beauties.

Arnold's Sandwich Thins!!!
(I'm trying to post a pic but am not doing a good job at it so hit the link, k?)

But seriously - these are a best kept secret for sure. So versatile - I use them for sandwiches, burgers, mini pizzas, breakfast sandwiches and more. The best part is they are only 100 calories and made with whole grains, proven with the 5 GRAMS OF FIBER they have. I am insane that I care so much about fiber but I do, I DO!! Fiber is great and we need it in our diets.

That's my life tip from Europa for the um, for the um...time being.

BTW - the pizza I made for lunch today was only about 400 calories. Super easy, super yummy.

I chopped a lg slice of red pepper, onion and garlic - saute in olive oil until onions are translucent.
Add a bundle of roughly shredded and stemmed swiss chard (preferably from my own garden),a
palmful of chopped, fresh basil leaves. Cook until tender.
Add to each slice of bread middle side up 1/4 cup of tomato sauce and a sprinkle (I really mean a sprinkle) of mozz shredded cheese - about 40 cals worth, place atop the cheese a heaping spoon of the swiss chard/basil saute and add another sprinkle of cheese to the top of that.
I added a few pieces of fresh basil to the top of that cheese and baked at 375 until melty with a crispy crust.

I died and went to heaven and then died again. This is vegetarian, vitamin packed and full of fiber and whole grains. All for less than 400 calories. Swear.To.God. And I LOVED it. I felt like I was having a huge lunch and the smaller amount of cheese went a really long way so don't add more thinking you need it because you don't. I will say the chard left a slight, gritty after taste that is normal, but all the other flavors blended so well it made up for that.

I've used these a lot of different ways but the pizza inspired a post out of me. Go and buy these bitches if you're watching your weight but don't want to starve doing so. You won't regret it, I promise.

The secret to Sundays.

2009-06-07T08:26:00.000-07:00

Enjoy the little things. Life is full of goodness!

All good things come to an end.

2009-05-22T05:17:00.000-07:00

Which, in my opinion, is the really shitty part of life. But in this deep pile of shit there are lessons to be had. Lessons about our hearts, lessons about our weaknesses, and even lessons about our strengths.

I learned of someone's passing yesterday morning on Facebook. Strange, I know, but I will be honest in saying that social networks are my lifeline to the rest of the world. I would be so lonely without them, and I would also have a much cleaner house, but I digress.

Tears started to trickle down my face in disbelief because I live in the world where no one dies and we all get to live happily ever after, my rose colored glasses and I are like peas and carrots, you see. Luckily, the last decade of my life has been free of loss, free of the reality that life is a circle and not an infinite line. I was happy there, but it is not real life. I was painfully reminded of that yesterday.

I surely loved the man that passed, a father of an old friend. A father figure to an entire generation of small town kids. We all flocked to their home, my friends and I, because they were the cool parents that let kids be kids. They gave us their home as a haven to do the things we would have been sneaking off to do anyway. Instead we did it at their house, where they were watching and most definitely keeping an eye out, making sure we had a safe place to find ourselves. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. What a open heart, how extraordinarily generous this was of them to do. Maybe it was so their own kids would be safe under their roof, but whatever the reason I think at the end of the day they cared about all of us more than they meant to. And I am eternally grateful to them for their open door.

I wept for him. I wept for my friend, knowing the daunting task ahead. As one friend put it, he put the sun in the sky for his baby girl, and now she has to lay him to rest. Never to be heard from again on this earth, only memories will keep her safe at night from this day on. My heart broke for her sadness, for her mother's sadness and for the loss of the grandchildren he bounced gleefully on his knee.

And then I started to feel other sadness, the sadness ahead of myself and all of my friends. I felt the heaviness of the years ahead. We will all lose our parents and loved ones near and dear, of that I am certain. I started to get mad and wonder why this has to be a part of life. What is the point of this? What is the point of life at all? Why are we even here........to love so fiercely just to have it taken away? I just don't understand what good comes of this.

I am still not sure. But I know as life progresses, as I move forward with my days, it will all come into focus. There is a pattern to life in general. We all have cycles to live out - some cut short and others too long. I don't understand it, I don't always like it, but darn it all the good stuff is worth it.

I woke up with Abby in my arms this am. I woke up to Emily's laughter (read dramatic cries of injustice!), and Sydney's sleepy saunter into the living room to get her morning dose of toons. I woke up to coffee brewing and the gentle touch of Jamie's arms around me. I am enveloped in love every day I am blessed with a beating heart. Life is so good to me and always gives me what I need and when I need it. I need only to be patient and trust in it.

We do not get to choose when we die, but we do get to choose when we live. I will choose today just like I always do.

RIP James. You touched so many lives without even know it, I imagine. Your angel wings are surely made of gold.

Look who's ONE!

2009-05-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

Shine on, Baby. Shine on.

2009-04-29T13:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, April has flown by. I am approaching a huge mile stone in a few weeks. Abby is having her first BIRTHDAY!! Can you even imagine a year has gone by already ? I sure can't. What a whirlwind it's been with two in diapers. Emily has been blooming into a naughty. little toddler and Abby's infancy basically slipped through my tired fingers.

All difficulties aside, can I say, in writing, just how freaking adorable my family is? How did this even happen (well, aside from the obvious)? I think back on the last three years and wonder if I was even present? When and who, huh? Who are these children and why are they clinging to my pant leg crying "Mama!'

And three girls. Who gets three girls? I suddenly find myself in a position to work harder, try harder, with no faking my way through it once. I've got to do this three times, I had better pay attention to Sydney. Thank lemons that I have her to help usher me through the thresh hold of premenstrual teens. Can you say O M G? I can't even imagine the payback I am owed. Every time I nag on any issue, I may as well be lecturing my own pre-teen self. The similarities are spooky.

So that's one big day. There are other celebrations ahead of us. In the midst of all the crisis I have in my extended family, my own family is about to achieve a major personal goal. I say family because it involved all of us in small and big ways. We all made changes and sacrifices for Jamie to pursue his doctorate. I am so pleased for him to be reaching the end of that road and start his career. This grueling process is almost behind him and he will soon be able to relax and start to flourish and do what he does best. Think. I am so proud to be his wife and I look forward to watching him fulfill his dreams. He still has a little climbing left to do to establish himself in his field but he's gonna be GREAT!

I do wish that I knew where we were moving but I wouldn't be surprised if we stayed put for a couple more years. It seems like the most logical thing to do at this point. I guess when I know more, which will hopefully be soon, I'll blog. All this excitement! What is a girl to do with it all?

Stay tuned......

Where're we going?

2009-04-22T08:26:00.001-07:00

Still.Don't.KNOW!!

I'm starting to get nervous. J is scheduled to graduate in Aug/Sept and still no job. Still no direction. Still no planning to do. More like a waiting. A stand still.

I'm over it. The word between us is try to get a post doc here because moving seems rather overwhelming in light of him writing and defending his thesis, selling a house, and packing a family of FIVE plus cat and dog.

I can't even really think about it in great length or detail lest I get really pissed off that my entire life revolves around SOMEONE ELSE'S DESTINY!! Even if it is my choice to do so. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!

Wishing Well

2009-04-16T04:57:00.000-07:00

I'm pulling out any and all karmic favors I may have hovering over me because now is the time. This cancer talk is morbid and scary and makes me want to put my head under the covers and pretend that it isn't happening but reality strikes every time.

His scenario isn't as bleak as originally thought. I had him dead by summer's end. That is a horrible thing to think or say but in the business he's currently in - realistically, but with a whole shit ton of optimism, is the only way to deal with cancer. Doctors and Scientists have made strides in treating cancer and his lucky stars were aligned because he is being treated in Canada.

So...universal health care. You know, a lot of people will talk about how this particular system doesn't work and how people are slipping through cracks - one being my step-father, honestly speaking. I admit, people do fall through the cracks but I would dare say ours are bigger. People in non-emergency situations may not have the best of care but at least they're receiving care. People are refused treatments here if they can't pay for them, even though they're readily available. What's that tell you? My mother would be bankrupt and dead if she had been treated in the U.S., and subjected to our healthcare system. I am not even kidding. Her surgery was performed by a cutting edge surgeon and even then, he had not removed a tumor of that size to date. It would have been considered exploratory here, I imagine, and most likely, not covered.

The prognosis for Brent is looking a lot better, though I think he's having a tough time with the thought of adjusting to the new lifestyle he will need to adopt. The liver cancer is there but might be able to be contained. Apparently they are hoping the radiation/chemo will shrink the size of the cancer, and the specialists in Halifax (where my mom was treated) will have a chance at cutting it out. If they can do that, his liver can re-grow and maybe his chances of survival are a lot higher than we thought, which is great news!!

So I'm standing at the wishing well, throwing in all my pennies and praying that the cancer is treatable. I don't want to see him fade away into nothing before he even turns 50. I don't want this for my mom, who has been having the decade of her life fighting to live. She needs him. We all do. I might not have always felt bonded with my step-father - it's a difficult bond to initiate when you've never had a father. But I love him - for her, if nothing else.

Outcome

2009-04-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

My step-father's surgery went well, as expected. They got all of his cancer from his bowel and managed to keep him from having an external waste bag hanging from his side. Thankfully! The kicker is, he has liver cancer, confirmed. They aren't sure the extent his liver has suffered, but less than they had initially thought. Good news is he might die later as opposed to summer. No one is saying this out loud but unless I'm mistaken, he's going to die from this. I don't want to be so matter of fact about it, but the prognosis of most liver cancer patients is not good.

Cancer sucks. I'm in denial and angry about this right now. I'm just not open to this sort of morning right now. Later.

I sound horrible.

Update

2009-04-08T05:16:00.000-07:00

Long time no talk in here lately. I attempt posts from time to time but an interruption is always imminent. I'm holding my breath at this moment, wondering when E will need assistance of some kind. Three kids plus three daycare kids equals a lot of effin' kids and I am swamped every afternoon and mornings are well, mornings.

The babies nap on opposite schedules. One would think this was crazy, but no matter combinations I play with, a simultaneous nap is rare lately. It will correct itself eventually, and I'm nearly half way through this sleep deprived era of my life. If I'm being honest, the extra one on one I get with them makes up for never getting much time to myself. As I said, there are a lot of buggers running around here after 2 pm, so they could use some extra mama.

I am in shock that A's first year is nearly over. It's been a whirlwind, to say the very least. Jamie and I have been walking around like freaking zombies anymore it seems. We're always losing an hour here, an hour there. A restful night is more of a tease than anything else, it happens that often. But didn't you hear? Good news!! I'm nearly half way through this era of sleep deprivation!

But I digress.

My extended family, sisters/brother/mom, received some shitty news, if I do say so myself. My step father, the husband of my mom who just endured 5 years fighting cancer, has cancer. Colon and liver. It's not going to be pretty. I guess I'll know more tomorrow after he has 3/4's of his bowel removed and they can get a better look. Chemo for sure, if that's even an option - or worth the effort of getting it. We don't know the actual stage yet, or they aren't sharing with us kids. Either way, we'll know more tomorrow.

I don't understand why this is happening to them. Sometimes life isn't fair, I guess. What other explanation can you even come up with? I'm speechless and I don't know what to expect, but I can read and I've researched enough to know that liver cancer is bad. Very, very bad.

Hasn't my mom lost enough already? When does the shit start rolling down someone else's hill, because frankly? We've had our fill.....not that I want any shit to roll anywhere. I would prefer it just stop.

So that's all I have to say about that. I'm a little angry right now and not sure what to think/feel. I'll post more when I know more.

And now the interruptions begin....so I'm publishing and probably not going to look for errors. So sue me.

Who's that girl.....

2009-03-10T05:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted pictures of baby A in forever. Time for blogging sort of eludes me lately, when there is time it's not what I'm doing. I do have a cute baby, though.

And she might like cookies.

She likes them a lot actually.

Her smile is adorable....and captivating. We love her.

Did I mention she has the bluest eyes in Texas? I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing it's true.

No focus.

2009-02-12T13:14:00.001-08:00

I really have none. I am all over the place with this moving stuff and we still haven't had anything concrete happen. I'm beside myself with stress about our house selling and a job coming together. The move itself will be a nightmare but nothing like the nightmare of not knowing. And to think that I'm the other half of the equation. The stress and pressure that J is feeling must be outfuckingrageous - and it is. To think he has to write and defend his thesis, teach a lab to needy freshman, stroke is crazy boss' ego and work, work, work at the same time he's finding a job and holding his home (and his wife) together so we don't all burst through the seams. It all just seems too crazy to even think about. Most people in our situation aren't toting three kids behind them so the people giving advice really aren't thinking about what we are dealing with as a whole.

I'm freaking out.

Happy New Year!!

2008-12-31T20:57:00.001-08:00

Maybe I'm just a dork who messes around on New Year's making cheesy movies of her kids......but I'll own that title all year long.

May 2009 bring us all the joys and wonders of 2008 and more.....Happy Freaking New Year everyone. Happy Freaking New Year.

The last day.

2008-12-31T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'm happy for the short visit I had with my uncle last night and this morning. A trip down my way as a favor to the Amish folk in my home town to grab their snow plows built for horse wagons. They are going to put up the trusses on his new house he's building at his pond in return. I love the barter system they've got going on with one another. Makes for a tight community and a more satisfying relationship when it's two sided.

:)

I enjoyed making home made waffles for the girls' breakfast this morning, and a little one on one time with Sydney playing games.
I'm not very good at faking the lose....but I did it anyway.

:)

The Happy does exist here in crazy land.

2008-12-30T16:17:00.000-08:00

I am thinking about my inside thoughts a lot lately (and the outside ones, too) and how to put the good out front and let go of the bad before it really makes any kind of impression on my mood/day/week. It's not easy because, admittedly, I stress a lot. As would a lot of people if their days were filled to the brim with shitty diapers. Today? FIVE. Not counting the number of shitty asses I wiped but I'm trying to keep the details to a minimum.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Okay.

Anyway. The point of this post is I'm thinking of changing the way I write in this blog. I want to bring the Happy out and shine the light on it. I think if I start little proclamations of victories and special moments in my day there will be less opportunity for the black to peak through.

Today my happiness is watching Emily's sweet side shine through and the naughty side fade somewhat. She has started to throw less tantrums and begin to respond to short bouts of discipline. She is learning, albeit slowly, to share even when it hurts her little heart to do so. She might even have to sit in a time out chair screaming for two straight minutes, but when she's released from her prison, she moves on. Most of the time.

Progress people, progress.

She has been showing a lot of love lately to her sisters in the form of hugs and hugs and hugs. Occasionally a kiss sneaks in there with it. She has also started to say "I love you, MAMA!".

These are my little victories today.

Short Circuit

2008-12-19T13:23:00.000-08:00

That's going to be ME if I have to listen to another day of the whining, whining, whining from the toddler, toddler, toddler. DUDE - SHUT UP ALREADY! I heard you, I know you're mad but for crying out loud would you put a damn cork in it?

You're driving us ALL INSANE!!!!!

Upheaval

2008-12-15T09:43:00.000-08:00

Each month flipped over on the calendar, each day that passes by, is one more minute closer to the move. Put all the stress aside of getting a job, selling a house, getting a new home to live in and you suddenly remember this little girl who's whole world is all wrapped up in her third grader self. Her friends. The school play. Mr. E. Times tables. Chorus. The list goes on and on. She's a girl with places to go and people to see and in a few short months we're going to rip the carpet right out from underneath her footing.

I have to ask her to leave her life behind. Her friends. Her school. Her future as she knows isn't really known at all. I have the talks and go all fortune cookie on her...blah, blah, blah. The world is a big place, look at what you're going to gain, not what you'll lose sort of talk. But it doesn't make it better.

She cries. The silent cry where the eyes well up and tears fall down her face but she knows she can't change it so she doesn't make a sound. She just lets the sadness in and cries. I have to continue with the talks and face the heartache and help her through it because she's soft. She's so soft that I have to prepare her gently and let her feel the emotion slowly, months in advance, so that she doesn't seize up with sadness when the time comes to say good bye.

She'll be 9 and she'll have to say good-bye to her other half. Her best friend. The kind of best friend you share a necklace with and tell secrets to. The kind of best friend that you argue with daily because you're cool like that. You can fight and still love each other a few moments later. Like sisters.

I hate to ask this of her. This hurts more than any other good bye I've ever had to say because it's not my hurt. It's hers. And it's not her choice to do this. It's ours. It's a choice that we made before we even came here. Moving was always inevitable, even knowing full well that our little baby's world would change in the process.

I'm not sorry that we made this decision. Jamie's PhD is a big investment in our future and Cornell is a part of that investment. It doesn't change the consequences of our decision though. Her consequences. This move is going to shape her in some small way, for the better I believe, but growth sometimes calls for sacrifice.

Sacrifices I wish she didn't have to make.

I'm sorry, kid. Mama loves you and will hold your hand the whole way.

Promise.

Man, I feel like a woman.

2008-11-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

Awwwww Yeah!! I've been fighting the inevitable wean with Abby but slowly starting to come to terms with the limits my body has given me. Apparently, the return of my menses has given my body much to contemplate. She doesn't want conflicting hormones doing the tango week to week and just seized up the old milk supply.

I was devastated.

Now I'm fine.

We're still kinda sorta nursing at night because I'm very lazy at 2 am and she doesn't care. She wants her mother and the physical comfort nursing gives her at night. So technically, we're still nursing. I'm okay with that. The same thing happened with Emily except she just up and quit cold turkey and I was in tears for a week.

Until I took my stash out of the freezer. Then I was listening to the Dead and sneaking out into the garage at night. Miraculously, I was fine after that.

With the dreaded return of aforementioned women's issue, I suddenly feel like I have wings again. I'm ready to swing from the chandelier and get a little jiggy with it.

Jamie say's you can't take a guy out of the desert and give him a gallon of water. WhaaaaaaaT?

I told him he needs to strike while the iron is hot. Lucky for him, he did.

I know that's a little TMI but after two back to back pregnancies I'm pretty stoked to find small parts of myself returning. Abby is still just 6 months and there's a LONG way to go still. But it's looking up and I couldn't be happier.

The best part bar none? I CANNOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN (right Dr. Herzlbetz? RIGHT DR. HERZLBETZ!)!!! Now I only have to read about OTHER people being preggo and shout GLAD THAT'S NOT ME!!

.

Thank You, Mr. President!

2008-11-13T07:01:00.001-08:00

For just being you.

YOU FOOL ME!! WE CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN!

Bwahahahahahaha!! Oh MAN!! I love this shit.

Something you didn't know maybe?

2008-11-11T12:23:00.001-08:00

I am a Pisces. Pisces is a water sign. And these???

My children's initials. In that order.

The stars sent them to me.

Who wants to see kids?

2008-11-09T17:45:00.001-08:00

Only memories remain.

2008-11-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

My mom moved out of the trailer I grew up in and into an elderly "community". It's an apartment building for low income elderly and handicapped. Her sister lives in the same building which will make their Skip-Bo and Yahtzee playing all the more accessible.

It is a good thing for her. Rising fuel costs make it next to impossible for her to live off her social security and disability. Plus she won't be alone all the time. I'm grateful that her life will have more in it. Even if I'm not part of that physically.

I miss her so much sometimes. I don't talk about it or let myself go there because it causes me a lot of sadness. It's different when you're raised by your grandmother. I miss the mother she is, I miss the mother I wanted her to be and I miss the mother I need in my life right now. She's a good person and a good mother given her up-bringing and her own relationship with her mother. Tough, strong women. Life experiences have added to that shell. The softness and understanding that I needed as a child and the friend I need as a woman are there but our age differences have kept me from experiencing it firsthand. At least not in the way I would have chosen. But we don't get to choose. We just get to love.

This is the next step in her life. It's her right to move on and let age take it's course. But it hurts a little to see the changes. It sucks to be so far away. I'm not able to identify a new home with her or find where I fit in. It's unnatural to watch your mother slip away from old age when you're just barely coming into your own.

Eventually I will accept that my kids will not go to grandma's house for Thanksgiving or help her make donuts at the kitchen table. They won't spend the night or eat one of her popcorn balls. All that's left of that home are memories. I'll just have to share those instead.

There are no words.

2008-11-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

I'm not talking about the election, though a momentous occasion for us all to witness, it's not where words escape me. I've got lots to say about how proud I am that we let our voices be heard, just not today.

Today I'm talking about Emily. My baby girl, born just two years ago this week. I intended on a nice long letter proclaiming my adoration for this child. But there are no words.

I'm incapable of penning just how big my heart has become since she entered my life. How incredibly big it has to be because sometimes it's just.so.hard. being her mother. How it's bursting at the seems because of her precious dimple and naughty little grin. And how it's overflowing with gratefulness that I get to witness this child's life blossom.

I love her. So much so that it hurts sometimes and not even because she's kicking me in the shin. It's like a tender ache that never really goes away. I love her when she hurts me, I love her when she pleases me and I love, love, love her when she's being her whimsical, vibrant self. She never ceases to amaze me at every corner.

She came out screaming and has since continued. She has a lot to say. A lot of passion. A lot of thoughts and needs she wants to express. It is at the top of her lungs that she informs you she's happy, or mad, or sad. It's all announced at a ten. Never a two, or even half way at five. It's *always* ten. And I couldn't be any happier or more exasperated at the same time to experience this tiny child proclaiming herself to the world with such intensity.

She is going places, that one. And if you're lucky, she just might take you with her.

On terrorism.

2008-10-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia

"Terrorism is the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion. Most common definitions of terrorism include only those acts which are intended to create fear (terror), are perpetrated for an ideological goal (as opposed to a lone attack), and deliberately target or disregard the safety of non-combatants. Some definitions also include acts of unlawful violence and war."

Why then, Sarah, is it not considered "terrorism", if those particular terror seekers are bombing say, an abortion clinic.

Oh, right. They support your agenda.

Just checkin'. *wink*

The low down.

2008-10-24T05:37:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

Writing about the mundane, the daily grind, if you will, becomes rather stale after a couple of years. I've been at a loss for words, or rather, a loss of time for words. I even thought I might delete the blog all together because I just don't have time and all I seem to ever do is complain anyway. It's depressing that all I have to write about is the plight of motherhood. But that is the stuff that needs to be purged and left behind on a piece of paper, or a small byte in the internet universe.

I don't want this blech lurking on my sleeves; I want it gone. I want to write it out of my mind so I can move on to happier things. Like E's much anticipated entrance into the world of speech. Or A's delightful squeals as she scampers through the house in her walker. There's always the budding relationship between mother and tween daughter to nurture and admire. Those are the things that keep me here and not at some desk typing numbers.

I will keep my blog. Just pardon all the heavy banter. Forgive me of my reluctance to write anything at all. Know that I am here in spirit but the body is off changing a shitty diaper. Like three a day. And that's a slow day.

As far as the lately is concerned. Things have been crazy. Someone has been sick in our house for the past 7 weeks. For the first 4 or so it was DH. The last three it was the babies and me. E had pneumonia and A was teetering too close if you ask me. I got the cold and with that came a nasty ear and sinus infection. We are all starting to come out of the funk but it has been a long couple of months. A depressing couple of months.

A big problem that occurred as a result of all this was the sudden drop in milk supply. Ugh! A was suffering and was taking bottles; I thought it was going to be the end of our time together. Luckily I have been able to get back on track. But I'm not sure how long it will last. This seems to be a problem of mine after 4 or 5 months. I'm going to try and continue as long as we can. I really want to bf longer this time. It feels so important to me. I'm putting a few things on the back burner to help make it possible. One being the constant struggle to kick start my weight loss.

I'm so sick of dealing with the yo yo and decided to take it easy and let my body feed my baby first. I have the rest of my life to get strong and loose the baby weight. First things first, KWIM? I just can't concentrate on one without adding the stress to the other and it's worth it to stay a size whatever I am if it means that A and I get to nurse for as long as we want.

Other than that the world seems rather dull. It has been so consumed with sickness and Dr. visits (5 in one week), antibiotics and Mother's Milk Tea that I'm about to barf my fenugreek all over the floor. This weekend I'm going to take a breather and carve me a kick ass pumpkin with my kids. Or maybe it will just be three triangles and a mouth with a couple of teeth. But maybe well get crazy up in here and make circles instead of triangles. Or *gasp*squares..

Just another crazy Friday night at my house.

2008-10-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

Europa is a very rare female first name

Very few female first names in the US are Europa

Be proud of your unique first name!

source: namestatistics.com

Sydney is the #1011 most common female first name

0.008% of females in the US are named Sydney.

Around 9800 US females are named Sydney!

source: namestatistics.com

Emily is the #99 most common female first name

0.208% of females in the US are named Emily.

Around 254800 US females are named Emily!

source: namestatistics.com

(they ain't got nothin' on mine though)

Abigail is the #520 most common female first name

0.025% of females in the US are named Abigail.

Around 30625 US females are named Abigail!

source: namestatistics.com

I'm curious to see what #1 is. Hmmmm....let's see....

Elizabeth is the #5 most common female first name

0.937% of females in the US are named Elizabeth.

Around 1147825 US females are named Elizabeth!

source: namestatistics.com

and coincidentally is Abby's middle name.

Close, but no cigar. I also got #8 with Susan, Julie was 52, Sarah 23, Nancy 12....now I'm tired of guessing names.

NEXT.

So maybe I searched just one more name. And VOILA

James is the #1 most common male first name

3.318% of males in the US are named James.

Around 4064550 US males are named James!

source: namestatistics.com

So I win.

Overwhelmed?

2008-10-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Are you kidding me? Overwhelmed, over stressed, over worked, under appreciated, sleep deprived are just a few words that describe most mothers. If you can't admit to any or all of these than you can add one more descriptor to your profile.

In denial.

Life happens and it can be so difficult with the pressures of reaching perfection and keeping up with the over achievers that we forget about the important things. Even more challenging is admitting to yourself when you just can't do it all.

Oprah's topic on her Wednesday's show was about exactly that. America's mothers are under an extreme amount of pressure to exceed in all aspects of life. Having the perfect career, being the perfect mother, being the best cook, the best wife, the Mrs. fix-it all and look good while doing it. This type of standard is insane to live up to. And I'm pissed about it.

What's the price for aiming too high? The woman who appeared on Oprah paid the price of her daughter's life. I can't even imagine or put myself in that place, but you know what? A time or two that could be me. Life is distracting. There is so much to do and so little time to do it all that sometimes your priorities slip a little bit. This kid has a poopy diaper and the door isn't locked and the curious one ends up on your front lawn, just feet away from a busy road before you scoop her up in your arms. Or you gently lift your baby out of her bath tub and by request you leave the water there for your oldest to play in and the toddler ends up in it face first. And she can't get out. And she can't breath and the only reason she is still around is because her sister was there to help her out.

I'm not even kidding. Both of these have happened to me.

My first reaction two years ago to someone losing their kid to negligence was a harsh judgement. What horrible parent would put their child in danger. My tune has since changed.

No parent wants that to be the one. No parent wants to be so busy they forget their baby is in the car but it happens.

The funny thing about the show for me was that I had a similar mental conversation with myself that morning. I was wondering how people do it. How do people create the perfect world and hold it all together while the souffle is in the oven? When does the souffle fall? Am I so inept at being a mother?

I have all I can handle at the moment with a household of three children, a husband working on his doctorate and a small daycare business on the side to make ends meet. And I have to tell you, it's tough. It is hard to keep the house clean, the laundry done, the dinners cooked and the husband satisfied all the while raising three kids. Two of whom are under two, another with nightly homework duties and a whole set of her own needs to be met. Add three more kids for daycare every afternoon and it's nothing short of exhausting. There really isn't time left for the extra's all the time.

There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. Slow your roll a little bit mom because you're making the rest of us look like shit. Set some priorities. Say no once in a while. Go see a movie and eat buttered popcorn. Sit down and braid your daughters hair. That expense report will be there when you're done. That laundry will wait until able hands are ready to fold it.

Then maybe there will be less mistakes. Then our overwhelmed will be content. Then our over worked will be rested. Then our stress will become ease. And maybe then life can start to take on a different description.

Happy.

Isn't that what we're all trying so hard to accomplish anyway?

Just another day in the life of The Great Pumpkin

2008-10-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

The Great Pumpkin is a big fat jerk. Sure, she may have created the awesomely wonderful pictures to your left and for that the children of the world are grateful. However, Oh Great Pumpkin, you are indeed now dubbed as a failure for slacking off when it comes to the children saying "Thank-You".

I'm not really sure how you could let this sort of thing slide Great Pumpkin. How could you let the children down? Don't you even think about the children? Because this morning the children were pissed that you could just ignore the creative prowess of these 8 year old girls who were clearly begging for just one more visit. If you could've only come more time they would be the happiest third graders on earth. I mean....didn't you see the effort!! The LOVE!!! THE HOPE in their hearts????

Take a good look Great Pumpkin. NO! YOU LOOK AT IT! See the tear stains? The tear stains that dripped from the weeping eyes of overly dramatic almost pre-teen princesses? You should be ashamed. Very, very ashamed.

Ahem.

Now you hear this you greedy little blood sucking leaches. You've bled The Great Pumpkin dry. You couldn't just be happy with your notes and your pictures. Oh, NOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO. You want to take every second of The Great Pumpkin's time and exhaust every tiny little morsel of "extra" that's left of The Great Pumpkin, which isn't a lot. Did you know that The Great Pumpkin had two babies in less that two years? Cuz she did. And she's tired and has barely enough time in her day to pluck what was once two separate eye brows. Now you take your little tear stained thank you notes and shove 'em where the sun doesn't shine. Got it?

Ahem.

Regrettably, The Great Pumpkin was eating milk and cookies while watching Criminal Minds and wasn't aware of the awaiting thank you notes.

She say's she's sorry.

What happens when mama is bored?

2008-10-01T05:02:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon a song as I watched over the slumbering author. She does this, you know. She's my writer, mostly songs, but other stuff too. I wasn't really doing much of anything. In fact I was down right bored since the husband was otherwise occupied with the ~~dummy box~~ television so I was looking for something to do.

Upon seeing that song, along with her colored pencils lying near by, an idea erupted and I decided to draw her a picture. The song was about Halloween so I thought it fitting to draw her a pumpkin and maybe a bat or something along those lines. Once the wheels start to turn I decided that this picture was going to be from The Great Pumpkin.

Pardon me parents for unthinkingly creating yet one more fictitious character to keep up with. As if the Tooth Fairy and Santa weren't busy enough, I had to go and add The Great friggen Pumpkin. Which, you know, would be fine if I didn't do daycare for other kids because instead of marveling at the wonder of The Great Pumpkin, they were pissed The Great Pumpkin didn't come and draw them a picture as well.

Stupid, stupid imagination. I will never use you again!!!

While waiting for the bus, the child that could write decided to leave a little note for The Great Pumpkin on my driveway in chalk.

"Oh Great Pumpkin, please, please, please will you come to road 99 Briggs Hill Road."

In response, "I don't get to dirt roads, sorry. Love, The Great Pumpkin."

But The Great Pumpkin forgot who she was writing her note to because this particular child does not take no for an answer. Fair is fair and The Great Pumpkin will answer to her for her negligence in not coming to HER house

A letter followed.

"Dear Great Pumpkin,
Dirt roads are not the only roads that get your car dirty. Paved roads also get your car dirty. And the only time your car gets really, really dirty is when it rains. Do you have a bat side-kick? Love, Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer. P.S. Do girls draw better than boys? "

By this time The Great Pumpkin had already communicated to the Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer's mother and informed her that The Great Pumpkin might want to draw her Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer a picture. But this said child was going to leave her letter here to be sure The Great Pumpkin received it. So The Great Pumpkin told said child's mother that she was off the hook. The true Great Pumpkin would create fairness for other believers of The Great Pumpkin since her imagination got us into this mess in the first place.

And so The Great Pumpkin writes....

"Dear Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer -
It is not the dirt that bothers me, it is the rocks that bruise my pretty pumpkin shell. Don't be sad, I am happy to draw you a picture and leave it here.......Love, The Great Pumpkin"

and so she did draw that picture and the Child Who Will Not Take No For An Answer was happy again. The Great Pumpkin learned her lesson and will never, under any circumstances, create another fictional character for her children. At least not as long as she is doing daycare.

The end.

Why not?

2008-09-29T12:05:00.001-07:00

Nothing better to do since I'm totally ignoring the chaos in the next room because I would need duct tape. I'm not even kidding.

So I'm taking her lead and posting my inner princess.....

You Are Pocahantas!

Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Now that you mention it, I do touch a lot of people. Don't go all tattle tale on me and mention this to my husband. Also, I do have some serious wisdom going on. And I'm a free-spirit from way back. So there you have it. I'm channeling some Pocahantas action.

I totally knew I would be her.

See? I'm am wise.

Told ya.

I just dare you....

2008-09-24T10:45:00.001-07:00

to make fun of me and the insanity. Furthermore, I dare you to join me and show the internets your silliest moment you can muster. That is, if you have the hairy balls to do so.

Mine was inspired while glimpsing at myself in the mirror after 15 rewinds of the same episode of Barney. I was singing this little number repeatedly and didn't even realize it until I saw the reflection.

Why am I subjecting myself to such ridicule and shame? I don't have any farking idea. All I know is that I laughed myself to tears after watching this. I then thought to myself what a travesty it would be to keep this gem hiding in the closet.

Also I want reassurance from others that I have not lost my mind.

And if you want to know who does my hair just ask me. K?

Sweetness

2008-09-24T07:26:00.000-07:00

My middle child has taking a definite liking to her baby sister finally. I'm happy to be present to witness the love bonds that are tying them together. And so begins the love/hate relationship that will forever be Emily and Abby.

She pronounces her name better than any other with a slight toddler twang that is so cute I never tire from hearing it. She is forever on bink patrol making sure A (or herself) is never without their precious. And she gives her the most adorable raspberries in the bathtub. Actually they sound like the worst case of nasty diarrhea farts I've ever heard and if I weren't watching her do it I'd be checking J's pants.

Did I just say diarrhea farts? Ew.

They are officially sharing a room for half the night and E refuses to go to bed without her. The babe has been waking to nurse at 2am. Since I'm both tired and lazy, I've decided that she can sleep by me after that and just nurse whenever she can find the source. Which is a lot because her fat rolls have fat rolls. And those fat rolls have fat rolls. What can I say...the kid likes to eat. And I think my breast milk is more like heavy cream instead of whole milk. J is now taking it in his coffee. The perv.

All kidding aside. This relationship that is forming is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Of course S loves her sisters but toddler love is different that tween love. Tween love is more like tween tolerance, while toddler love is the deepest, most trusting love of all loves. Watching it develop makes my heart melt like buttah on freshly popped corn.

I feel so privileged to be such a close part of this exhibit. In fact, I'm more like right in the middle of it all. The axis they revolve around. It's pretty darn amazing.

When you can't do it fair and square...

2008-09-22T10:25:00.001-07:00

then there's always the old stand-by of stealing the election.

Worked for Georgie....why not John?

I think I'm gonna puke.

If you don't hold it against me...

2008-09-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

that I might not have made my bed on this particular day (I really do make it most days, promise), I will share a video of Miss E with you. She's a Wiggles lover that one and dances to some of the songs........so without further ado.....

I give you Emily.....(and a brief cameo appearance from Sadie the psychotic doggie)

Busy little bee.

2008-09-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

I like projects and fortunately for us the house we bought has had plenty over the past three years and still more to come! We're lucky that way. Always something to look forward to, something to plan, something to discuss. If there's one thing my sweetums and I like to do, it's discuss the future and all its possibilities.

Two weekends ago we decided it was finally time to rid the house of its last remaining wall paper. Hence Project Laundry Room. I have to admit that after the first weekend of scraping, followed by the week of scraping, washing off glue and patching up all the wall's boo boos we were ready for primer and paint. Not a large room but a lot of bending and reaching. I have to say that my post two babies body tires rather easily. The muscle strength I once boasted in the Army is not what it used to be. But I digress.

The painting went quickly. He primed, I cut it, I painted and he cut in. We bought a cabinet unit to hang above the washer and dryer and bought a larger desk to better accommodate our needs and voila. Project Laundry Room is complete.

It tired my ass out though. All that work in the mornings plus the babies wanting, needing, wanting, SCREAMING kept me on the move constantly. And then the afternoon arrives with its middle finger in my face along with four other kids to ~~drive me insane~~ brighten my day. The house goes from serene toddler and baby life to SIX EFFING KIDS. No further explanation needed.

At least my house doesn't have anymore wall paper.

(And yes, the entire house had wall paper equally as ugly. And green carpets.)

Real quick...

2008-09-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

can I just tell you how much I LOVE Whoopi Goldberg on The View?

Love her. I just do.

Huh?

2008-09-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

A conversation threw me a while back when I was visiting Maine. It wasn't me starting this conversation to fuel the moral fire. I purposely choose to keep my personal beliefs to myself. It's not that it isn't understood; I am definitely a liberal thinker and am proud of it. Everyone close to me knows where I stand. I just don't want to fight with the people I love so I just shut up.

Which is why I was surprised when the comment was made that my nephews need to be more tolerant of gay people. I agree, but I also understand that most adolescent boys are going to shy away from any sort of acceptance on this issue out of fear more than any other reason. Fear that people might think they're gay, fear that maybe they really are gay even. So I said..."boys will be boys." It's a normal behavior. Would I try to teach my child differently? Of course.

Then the real kicker comes in. And why this question was posed I do not know, because we were all in agreement that they should learn tolerance.

"Do you think gay people should be allowed to adopt a child?"

There were three people sitting around that fire, two said no. The two people who sat there and agreed that tolerance is acceptable. BUT...they draw the line at tolerance.

I get frustrated with this response though it wasn't exactly a big shocker. One, because I find that double standard offensive and ridiculous (typical of their political affiliation though) but mostly because I know that homosexuals are loving, caring and nurturing individuals just like you and I are. (I hate adding a label to their preference as human beings but I don't know how to get around it. Otherwise I would.)

So I begin to explain why I feel differently by saying just that. What's wrong with two people who love each other raising a child? Which is better in your eyes? A heterosexual couple who neglect and abuse their child or a gay couple that can offer that very same child wonderful life? With all the unwanted children in the world you think we should limit the type of couple that gets to love them? I'm sure if given the choice, the child wouldn't mind if they had two mommies or two daddies to read stories at night,to show them how to fix a broken fence or make a delicious meal. But most importantly, have a family.

"Well they are going to impress upon them their sexual deviance and make even more gay people."

OMG, not more GAY PEOPLE!!!!

Did we not just use the word TOLERANCE???????

Do people really think this stuff? Really? Because that is just ignorance at its best. (If you're one of these people....I tolerate you, we all have rights to our own opinions, even if they're ~~wrong~~ different than my own.)

Think about it for a minute, if you will. You go through life with everyone telling you what's "normal". Only what you feel inside and who you really are doesn't fit inside this "All American Ideal". It sometimes will take this person years to admit to themselves what they're feeling to be their true self and even longer to admit to loved ones. Why then, would that person raise a child to believe they need to be one way and fit in their ideal or else. It just doesn't make sense. If any family would be loving and tolerant of their children and embrace who they are REGARDLESS, it would be a family with two parents of the same sex.

A good parent is a good parent is a good parent. No matter what way you spin it, the child is raised with people who love him/her. What makes gay parents love their children any less than we love our own? Nothing. In fact, I would bet that if you were to take a look at a few statistics their homes would fair better than a lot of your typical mom/dad families that we have accustomed ourselves to.

Conservatives have coined this particular phrase....but I think it fits well here and in many other situations as well.

I think they call it....."A Right to Life"

As long as they're not gay, right?

Perspective

2008-09-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to step back and look at the whole picture. You have to really look at the heart of the matter and slowly inspect each and every vein, artery and vessel connected to that heart. Upon looking at all those pathways and the journey as a whole you begin to think of your goals on a grander scale. Not just what I want for myself right now but what's best for the long haul for all parties involved.

I came to an abrupt conclusion yesterday while driving home from a short trip to my sister in-law's wedding that my train of thought has been narrow minded. And that weddings totally make me want to shag my husband rotten. Jjust sayin'. However, that wasn't necessarily the epiphany. I've long ago learned that weddings git me loins a stirrin' and often look to crash them whenever possible just to get wedding sex. And don't even try to say it doesn't get your engine going. A girl is a girl is a girl. And girls love weddings.

Anyway.

We were having our regular discussion about the up and coming move. I have always said J should apply for whatever jobs that look promising from Pennsylvania to Maine, but what I really meant was to apply for all those jobs but take the job in Maine. Mostly because I know that the right job there would be fine and I wanted to be close to home. I wouldn't ask for him to take any old job with a dead end; I want more for him than that. My request was to settle there if and only if a job with possibility presented itself regardless of other job offers that may arise. Of course there is always the unspoken exception of that one job anyone could ever possibly want, that paid a salary of ohmyfuckinggodineedtogoshopping.

We have discussed the pros of moving to Maine and know that we would be happy there. We have always accepted that salary would be less but the good outweighed the bad. But honestly, by how much? I love Maine. I love the people there and the simplicity of things and the bright stars yet to be covered by the blanket of tainted air but a voice I have shoved aside time and time again was shouting at me loud and clear yesterday.

"Why are you being so CLOSED MINDED???"

Oh because I want my cozy comforter back dammit!! And I want it back NOW!!

Then the big picture came to mind, or at least a clearer, broader picture that I had been ignoring or only taking small peaks of because I was afraid of what it had to offer. It didn't fit my ideal so I pushed it aside and deemed it not for me. But a voice was always whispering and discussions would take place. We would both quickly dismiss it and conclude that Maine was the obvious choice.

Yesterday, the picture had choices. It had a different places in mind. Places with jobs, jobs and more jobs for J to choose from, schools for me to peruse and perhaps a degree would come about. Great schools for my girls to get a quality education. Colleges close by that would potentially keep them near and dear for years to come (isn't that what we all really want in the end?)

And family.

Not the family I long to be near but family that I love and most importantly, family that loves us. Especially my girls. When I reluctantly take the blinders off and let the full picture come into focus I admit to myself that they love me and accept me in all my county glory. Perhaps long ago they secretly hoped for something different but I believe they have grown to love the girl J chose to share his life with. Me. The never overly flashy, not always so well spoken, sometimes even takes a pee in the woods me. And ALL of my flannel too.

So I'm opening a door a little bit wider and welcoming what life is going to offer us. Because deep down I know I don't have a choice, there are doors that will open and doors that will close. It's best I walk through the open doors and stop knocking on the closed ones. I cannot stop our future from happening but I can look at it with open eyes and enjoy what good things are about to come our way.

And if I do happen to end up where our other family resides....at least I'll have a friend there.

Head, shoulders, knees and.....

2008-08-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

Toes.....toes.....those sweet, adorable little toes....I could kiss them all, one by one, one hundred million, gazillion times a day. No really, I could.

I made these toes. And now they are three months old and they have been growing like mad.

Do you see that little pinky toe on the right? That's her daddy's toe. All my girls have that toe. I think they might be mad at him someday for that toe. But I'm only guessing.

And what is more precious than tiny wittle baby feet? Nothing really.

Well maybe chubby little baby wearing sunglasses? Maybe. As you can see, I am feeding her well. She loves her mama's milk and eats A LOT of it. I can't believe time is going so fast. My head is above water, I am confident in my everyday activities and each day that goes by, the job gets easier and easier. We're making it work and watching time flash before our eyes.

It's crazy the pace at which time passes as you get older. The days/weeks/months/years feel like moments when we're looking back. I'm always amazed when Christmas rolls around each year at how quickly it came back around. We're approaching September in a few weeks and fall is nipping at our heels as we speak. E will turn two! TWO! I just can't wrap my head around the last two years slipping from my fingertips so quickly.

So I try and count those little baby toes over and over and over. I kiss and kiss and kiss until my lips are tired because soon they'll be stinky toddler toes and before I know it they will be big girl toes and then full sized grown up toes. I'm thinking they won't want me kissing them anymore at that point.

I love this time of year.

2008-08-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

And wouldn't you if you just went and picked this out of your yard. FOR FREE!!! It doesn't get anymore organic than that guys. The only things that touch our produce are bugs, compost and water. It's a nice feeling to feed your family so well.

There is lots more out there waiting for me. Tomatoes and beets mostly but if they are on the vine then they aren't collecting fruit flies in my house or going bad. SO.....until the weekend when I can make some home cooked sauce, outside they will stay.

Don't even think about it punk.

2008-08-20T09:05:00.001-07:00

The boobs belong to ME! TO MEEEEEEEE!!

I can haz a kiss plz?

2008-08-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

I sure do make cute babies.

Ten days.

2008-08-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

How do you make due in ten days? How long is long enough to keep you for a year's time?

I was relieved to drive away this morning. Not a tear to be shed. A good night's sleep was at my fingertips and I couldn't wait for the ride to end.

Now I am here and all I have are moments to remember. Faces to etch into my memory. Or pictures to help me relive the sounds and smells and the feel of home.

Sisters reunite and reacquaint. Cousins fumble through forgotten bonds.

A mother is coming to her final days. Another has a new way of living.

Friends make the most of a few hours. New friendships grow ever so slightly.

New communities are emerging. New people with old traditions in a new place. The buggies are a welcome addition to the already down home scenery almost like they have always been there. Or should have been.

I left twelve years ago and have emerged a new woman. Still unsure but continuously growing into her confidence with a clear picture of who she is and where she is going but darn it all if part of her still wants to cleave to the safety net of her youth.

I am sad tonight. I want the familiar. I want friends close by and family to run to when the comfort level feels a bit narrow.

Maybe I don't need all this as much as I think I do but I know that I need it more than once a year.

I'll say it again.

It's an emergency that I am not closer to my place. It's not just any place. It's MY place. And I love it there.

I have no choice.

2008-08-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

I could continue to throw away $50+ dollars per month on diapers for Miss Naughty or I could roll up my sleeves and dive in. To potty training that is. Those who have done this before know that it can go either way. Some kids want to go on a toilet and stop shitting their pants and others. Well, not so much.

There really isn't a choice anymore. She's taking her diapers off left and right, stripping naked and running around flashing her ass like she is Britney friggen' Spears.

I'm taking the naked approach. I let her wear a dress but go commando so she doesn't have to mess with those pesky underwear when we're in a hurry to reach the john. Girls like this sort of thing anyway, they want to feel the wind in their vagina. Or so I've heard.

Today wasn't so awful. Then it suddenly took a turn for the worse. Or worst if you want my opinion. I was doing my motherly duty of preparing a nutritious meal for the family I love so dearly when Miss Naughty began to scream. Not so much out of the ordinary except that when I went to check on her there was a trail of crap from the dining room to the bathroom where I found her, standing over a puddle of urine in shock.

And then the unthinkable happened.

I didn't freak out. Me, the freaker outer of all freaker outers, didn't freak out. I freak out all day long over the stupidest shit and I didn't freak out over real shit. Not even a little bit.

I am not a religious person by nature but some God from some religion came to my rescue and instilled a peace unlike any I've seen. It's just not like me to maintain such composure when all hell breaks lose at dinner time.

But then I surprise myself sometimes because I know what my kids need every once in a while. Miss Naughty was mortified that she had done such a thing. She has never gone poop out of her diaper before so today was a new experience all together and to top it all off she stepped in a big old heaping pile of it. That couldn't have been pleasant. I was the gentle mama who lovingly wiped the shit off her feet, legs, and bum and then moved onto the rest of the house. And I didn't once get angry or disgusted by my daughter's accident. I could tell by the look of relief on her face that she needed that from me more than ever.

So today I am patting myself on the back. I think that takes incredible patience. Patience I don't always have, but today I did.

Go me.